Practicalities of husband leaving.

Fang_3

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

I don't have anything to be bitter about, you poor, traumatised boy.


My youngest was fine when she was told by her father that Daddy left because he liked someone else better than Mummy - it meant she didn't blame herself or me for his leaving. From that moment on, she was able to adjust and told her teacher (she was 6) 'Now I know it wasn't because I had smashed the dinner plate the night before, I understand.'

She's seen him and his partner every fortnight since then, plus holidays and extra days and it's been fine.

I've gone from an evil father to a traumatised boy. How kind. It's amazing how your daughter is perfectly fine after all the crap that she had to put up with from your ex. Throwing food at you! How awful.

And while 'daddy loves someone more than mummy' might work for a six year old, it's hardly going to be appropriate for a teenager full of hormones, is it?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I didn't realise how young you were when I first posted, Fang, as we cross posted.

I think that teenagers swing between the two extremes - both of which respond to calm logic more than lies and untruths and manipulations. It's insulting their intelligence to think that they can't tell when an adult is lying to them, but again, their immaturity can automatically lead them to conclude that when someone is lying, it means that it's all about them - 'Why is mum lying about why he went? Oh my gosh! It's all my fault he left! And she's trying to hide it!'

boyang

OP
Right now your head is full of how other people will cope with this. I think this is a natural response and I had this when I split with my husband. In general, telling other people was far far easier than I thought it would be. So please don't waste any energy wondering how relatives (other than your children) are going to cope. They will.
As for the kids, it is probably best if the pair of you are able to talk to them together about what's happening. Other people have suggested Relate - they do a great service in aiding separation. Of course if won't be 100% rational, calm and civil, but they can help it be more so.

AlwaysWorking

I thought it perhaps worth mentioning that it can be a number of weeks (up to 12) before you can start your counselling with Relate. I agree that they can really help with the split and how you are feeling about it, but I think that will be after you have told your children and family...no way could you be expected to suffer that long in silence. My heartfelt sympathy OP and I wish you the best for the future.

clearingout

I have just read the original post but don't have time at the moment to read through all the advice you have been given. I will later, after the school run.

As an affair 'survivor', recently divorced and about to buy the house of my dreams to get on with life, I can only sympathise and tell you that it will be a very rocky ride but you will get there in the end. What I really wanted to comment on wast he part about your husband being 'decent at heart'. So was mine - in fact, he recently went as far as describing himself to me as ' a nice guy' and that was why his girlfriend had wanted to be with him, and to run away and marry him. Many husbands (and indeed, wives,) are nice people until divorce and money and guilt gets in the way. Survival kicks in. It can be very hard to overcome the survival instinct and continue to be decent.

For your amusement, my ex is a psycho(therapist). He's trained in being decent and listening and seeing things from another's point of view. He walked out, left me pregnant, tried to take the children (took us 10 months of court appointments before that was sorted), refused point blank to provide any financial support (if I hadn't got the house on the market and sold, we'd be repossessed, my credit is in tatters), ran up huge debts, had me arrested for going round to his home to see the children and finding him with his pants down (and that's after slamming a car door into my 19 week pregnant stomach), denied he was having an affair (despite living with the woman!), gave the 'mistress' a company car and a salary from our 'family' business, refused to bring the children to my father's funeral after promising in writing that he would, demanded a DNA test on the baby (there is no doubt as to paternity) then didn't fill in the paperwork himself....list goes on. My ex is the one man who SHOULD have been able to deal with his emotions and be decent in all of this. He didn't manage it. Not even nearly.

I don't intend to frighten you. I just want you to realise that things may not go the way you are hoping them to and your husband may 'turn' at any moment. Keep your head. Deal with the practicalities, keep calm and above all, think before you respond to anything - I found writing a response and sitting on it for 24 hours stopped me from saying things that might have come back to haunt me! Try www.wikivorce.com for advice, support and information. Best website I know for this kind of thing.

needabitofadvice

Hi all, thankyou for all the lovely comments and advice. Thankyou even to the people who enjoyed arguing with each other. I'll try and cover a few points but not sure how to multi quote so it may be a few posts

C_Mababejive wrote: »

Do you think he will want to leave and be with this other woman? Is the other woman married/single?

Absolutely no idea, but if it is the same one as 5 years ago ( which I suspect it may be) she was single with no children. Will he want to leave and be with her? He won't want to stay with me, as he knows he cannot treat me like this any more but I should imagine he will stay with friends at first, at least

needabitofadvice

ailuro2 wrote: »

Give your kids some money and send them off to the cinema on Sunday night....if they question it tell them you need some adult time with their father. Don't be swayed on it.

make sure you have taken away his car keys so he can't drive off and not talk about what he's done.

Is the marriage really over? Couples CAN survuve affairs, however it does sound like he's done this before and you've decided not to be a doormat. Good for you for not giving in. I would question why you said the marriage was over a long time ago... you sound like incredibly busy people who have somewhat separately busy lives too. any road back to doing things together now the kids are getting older?

Big hug for you, you're being incredibly brave about it, but don't forget you're entitled to get angry too, and stamp your feet and cry if you want to - nothing wrong in taking a day off work no-one else knows about to do it in private the first time around, though.:A

Don't quite know what's happened here,as attempted to multi quote and it's all gone in the wrong order! We are busy people with busy lives, you're right, but e don't want the same things out of life at all any more. We were 18 and 21 when we met, and we have changed so much. I always thought it was wrong to say people got married too young, but we aree different people now. He definitely is! The affair was 5 years ago, and I gave him a chance i said I would forgive him, but I don't think he's ever forgiven himself.

Fang wrote: »

And then her children will hate her. Maybe not at first, but they will blame her. There's a reason that every agony aunt and counsellor in the world tells parents going through a divorce to not criticize the other parent to their children, no matter how hard it is. Because no matter what they have done to you, they are still your children's mother/father.

Don't know why this one's come up in the order like this, but you're right, I would never talk to my children like that, he is their dad.

ailuro2 wrote: »

But is she meant to lie to them - Dad's on holiday for a bit longer than expected, Dad's decided to move out, Dad and me couldn't agree on a new paint colour for the living room so he's gone and got his own flat...

Teens especially need to know the basic truth for the split, but not the gory details I agree. they will work it out for themselves as they get older that he didn't have enough respect for his wife or his children to keep his manbits under wraps like he promised to all those years ago.

Thankyou, I won't be lying, but they don't need to know everything. I am a very private person, probably too private. I only finally told my best riend we were having problems a few weeks ago, and no one knew about the first time at all, I couldn't cope with people thinking he'd done that to me.

needabitofadvice

jackieglasgow wrote: »

I had just had to post to give you my support. If you want him to leave, then tell him you know, and you want it to end (the marriage). If you have it out in the open between the two of you, could you handle taking another week or two to let him find a room, and get past whatever events you need to for you, not for anyone else. You don't need to tell anyone until YOU are ready to cope with it all. X

I think if I told him now he would leave now. He would not be able to cope with seeing me fall to pieces, which is why he doesn't even know that I know yet. I will tell him when I'm ready, and like you said I need to be able to cope.

needabitofadvice

RedBern wrote: »

are you sure it is what you want? You say he's a decent man at heart, but obviously he's hurt you. You hate that he's ruined the future you've planned... it doesn't have to be like that (see... I'm too soft;)).
Why are you prevaricating - if he's got to go, then don't wait and prolong the agony. Sounds (to me) that you don't want him to go.... have a long hard look at what YOU want before making a decision. Good luck.

it's not that I don't want him to go, I just don't want my marriage to be over ( that sounds strange, but I know what I mean) and sad as it is I do think it has to be like this. He doesn't want to be here any more, otherwise he would not have done this again. He is probably only still here because he knows how much I will hurt.I am a Christian, and believe me the last thing I want is to split up, we're one of those couples where people are going to be incredibly shocked about a split!

needabitofadvice

Emmzi wrote: »

advise him you need a proper discussion, he knows why, and you expect him to cancel his golf tournament to discuss what is best for the children. Or to take a day off work.

Ask him not to attend the open house and family events so you can go and be with your family, and relax.

you do not need to veneer over his bad behaviour; and there is no need not to see your family.

Which is all fine, but when you have been together 24 years then this is going to ruin a family event. Come and see my new grandson, and by the way my other daughter and her husband who you all really like are splitting up.

LillythePink wrote: »

I think that you are incredibly brave for thinking about everyone else before yourself, whilst I can appreciate about your children's exams, you are even thinking about saying something after HIS GOLF???

Sorry - but that does seem a bit erm....too brave!


xx

Te golf in a way is for purely selfish reasons. It's actually a golf tour, 4 days away which he has organised for 20 other people. I would quite happily ruin it for him but in a way those 4 days will help me get my head together, get sorted, think more clearly. I can't do this straight away, I'm not ready to cope with it yet.