Practicalities of husband leaving.

needabitofadvice

swiss69 wrote: »

Without wanting to sound harsh, he has probably wanted to go for many years but has felt a duty to stay for the children. The poster has said that they have not shared a physical relationship for a long time and this was his decision not hers.

Marrying young in many instances in a big mistake. I know people will come on here and say it worked for them but I think in many instances they dont work out. Mine didn't and I think the temptation gets the better of alot of people both male and female when they have not had much experience.

OP - You sound very rational and I agree with you that another two weeks is not going to make any difference. Deep down whilst being unhappy that the dream is ending, you must want to be loved and desired again which you are have clearly not experienced for some time.

It will take time but you will be happy again and there is no reason why you cant remain platonic with your husband as time is a healer.

My wife had an affair but looking back it was as a result of the lack of love in our marriage and I am as much, if not more to blame for this than she is. We split and she is now remarried with more children and I have also remarried. Our son has not gone a day without contact from me either in person or by phone and splits his time between us. We have a very amicable situation all round and I think this is achievable for everyone. Bitterness and resentment are horrible qualities and life is too short for them.

Good Luck

Thankyou so much for these very wise words of advice. Your situation sounds very similar to mine, and it is good to hear from someone who has been through it and come out the other side. You're right, I was thinking today maybe I am coping because I am heartless, but I think it is more that I am very rational and need time to think.

needabitofadvice

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

:whistle::whistle: :whistle::whistle: :whistle::whistle: :whistle::whistle::whistle:


Hope you're managing OP, not long until you can stop pretending to be fine. It's not healthy to suppress emotions for too long or they can result in totally inappropriate or disproportionate behaviour.

It may not be, but at the moment my behaviour is totally appropriate for my situation. Maybe you are trying to help, but you're not. I need support, which is what I am getting from so may people on here, and the last thing I want is to turn into someone resentful and vindictive.

Steel_2

needabitofadvice wrote: »

TYou're right, I was thinking today maybe I am coping because I am heartless, but I think it is more that I am very rational and need time to think.

You sound a bit like me. I go icy calm situations and maintain what I call 'a holding pattern' until I have time to think things through.

Some people think that's heartless and if I'm upset I should show it, others are impressed that I can keep my cool and think through a situation.

Steel_2

swiss69 wrote: »

Without wanting to sound harsh, he has probably wanted to go for many years but has felt a duty to stay for the children. The poster has said that they have not shared a physical relationship for a long time and this was his decision not hers.

Yes he may, but bottom line there is a property and other marital assets involved. He may not want a marriage anymore, but that doesn't mean he is going to walk out of his own home. He may very well stay - as many other spouses have done - and refuse to leave his biggest asset until a divorce is finalised.

There have been some posters on here whose spouses have refused to be the one to go and it's caused enormous distress, one poster in particular springs to mind who came home one day and found her husband had brought home a f**kbuddy for the day and barricaded himself in one of the bedrooms with her. I think that was only a few weeks after their agreement to split.

And there are a proportion of couples whose marriage has ended that have had to carry on living together because they did not have enough money to live separately and their property hadn't sold.

You just don't know how people are going to react. We like to think decently out of respect for the times we've shared with them, but sometimes they don't.

ailuro2

OP, glad you're holding up under pressure.

To the other two carping at each other on this thread - you know who you are - can you give it a rest please? It's getting awfully boring.
Why not go start a thread in discussion time if you want to compare the bitterness,twistedness or grudge holding capabilities of each other. OP has enough in her life at the moment without you two putting others off reading her thread because of your tit-for-tatting. Thank You.;)

poet123

Fang wrote: »

Oh dear, the gloves have come off now. I don't have any rage really, certainly not to either parent, who are still together by the way. I did have counselling, both alone and as a family, but then again my dad didn't abuse my mother or vice versa. My mother wouldn't have put up with it, but then again I'm aware that not everyone has a backbone. Clearly.

I really respect my mother for the way she acted and the same for my dad, but I realise that not everyone has the dignity or maturity to act in such a way, and some people just take, take, take. And unfortunately the ramifications of what that does to the children doesn't really become apparent until they themselves become adults, as I'm sure you'll become aware. How awful that your children had to witness all that, and that you didn't love them enough to protect them from that.:(

It's clear that you have something wrong with you, were you not given enough attention at school because you don't seem to be able to read? Or if you can then there must be something that's preventing you from understanding basic information. Perhaps trauma of some kind?

Your posts demonstrate that all too often the abused become abusive, and I just hope that your children haven't suffered too much. It's not too late for you either, everyone deserves a second chance and if you care about your children at all, then you'll make an appointment with your GP and take through your abusive feelings with the hope of getting to the bottom of why you feel and act the way you do. Or you could put me on ignore and pretend that no one has seen you for what you are? Good luck!:)

To be fair, that is a very insightful comment, and judging from the tone of some of your posts I would guess that you know what you are talking about.

You are clearly quite a young person, and have been exposed to a set of circumstances that were not particularly pleasant, and which were dealt with in a certain way. That does not mean that way is right for everyone, or for all situations. Nor does it mean that every adult will react the way the parties you were concerned with did. Sometimes life can be unpleasant, and there is no way to mittigate that unpleasantness for the innocent parties. Sometimes the guilty party does not deserve their actions to be mittigated.

Yes, it is sad when children are involved, and their needs should always be paramount, but that responsibility lies with both parents, not just the one left to pick up the pieces. It is unfair to castigate the "innocent" parent for dealing with an issue a certain way, when they are crushed by the circumstances and beleagured by the weight of the future. Perhaps with hindsight, and a clear mind, issues may have been dealt with in a different manner, but at the time people do the best they can.

If life, and experience teaches you anything, it is that to rush to judgement of other peoples marriages is never a good thing to do, as no one but the parties concerned really knows what goes on behind closed doors.

I have no experience of marital probelems (before you ascribe a motive to my comments) having been very happily married for almost 30 years, but I have seen the issues played out in the lives of close friends.

I also have several kids in their 20's who also;) think they are the fount of all knowledge (just as I did at their age) like most of us they will eventually come to realise that actually, and (particularly in the area of relationships) we knew very liitle at that age. What we did know, was, by dint of our limited life exposure quite blinkered and seen through tunnel vision, even though we believed that University life had given us the wherewith all to take on the world, and broadened our horizons to the extent that our opinions should be taken so very seriously.:)

The old adage about how, by the time you reach maturity you realise how much everyone else has learned still holds true.:D

The OP needs help and support for her problem, and for the way she chooses to handle it, not argument as to whether she is approaching it the correct way. However she chooses to respond is correct for her, it is not for others to dictate which way is best.

needabitofadvice

Steel wrote: »

Unless it is a trust in the children's names, your hubby can do whatever the hell he likes with that money if it is in his name. It's not in a trust but at the moment I have to trust that he will do what he says with it

Bearing in mind you have a tracker and interest rates may start going up soon, you need to work out using a mortgage calculator what would happen if the interest rates climbed. Could you still afford the payments if this happened? Yes, as long as it was just the current mortgage

How old are you? if you are relatively young then the extra mortgage might not be such an issue and you might be able to get promotions or training to help you up your income. Maybe even find a higher paid job. On the other hand, if you had children later in life I'm 42, with no intention of ever having more children. I should point out though that that is a part time salary. I only work 3 days a week, and there is always the possibility of doing extra hours.
.

poet123 wrote: »

The OP needs help and support for her problem, and for the way she chooses to handle it, not argument as to whether she is approaching it the correct way. However she chooses to respond is correct for her, it is not for others to dictate which way is best.

Thankyou. I know now that the best thing for me is to wait until I am ready, which will be in 2 weeks. If it all comes out before then, then so be it. I know I'm putting off the inevitable, but I'm doing it for the right reasons. I'm acting, and doing it very well if I say so myself, and in a funny weird sort of way I can almost enjoy the next two weeks knowing that everything is going to change. ( That makes me sound really odd, but I know what I mean!) I'm heartbroken, don't get me wrong. I do keep being very close to tears, but I am a bit of a 'cold fish' and always have been. Think it's some deep psychological reason to do with my dad dying when I was 10 or something, I grew up quickly and have always been very independent and self sufficient ( probably too much sometimes) Anyway, I will keep you all updated.

TeetersOnHeels

Everyone's situation is different. If, by doing what you are doing it will help you in the long run then that's fine.
You've had some good advice, and pointers for things you may not have thought of, and if you can put some of this to good use then that's great too.
You will come out the other side of this, and, you never know, have a different but happier life. Take each day as it comes, and deal with the bits you feel capable of dealing with.

Mrs_Imp

needabitofadvice wrote: »

It feels like this is all happening to someone else.....thank goodness for Martini

I misread that. Mind you, I imagine a martini might help a bit too right now.

Just try and stay calm and collected, but remember that occasionally it's ok to have a good ol cry and a night in with the tv, some friends and comfort food.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

needabitofadvice wrote: »

It may not be, but at the moment my behaviour is totally appropriate for my situation. Maybe you are trying to help, but you're not. I need support, which is what I am getting from so may people on here, and the last thing I want is to turn into someone resentful and vindictive.

As you have said this, I respect that choice and wish you the best.