Practicalities of husband leaving.

Margaret52129

1sttimer wrote: »

One thing that he did say at the time (when it was out in the open between us - I only told my best friend, no one else was aware) was that he loved us both at the same time, but in different ways. He said he would never leave me and even told the OW that(!!!).

Talk about having your cake and eating it - you are a better person than me if you're still together!:eek:

needabitofadvice

1sttimer wrote: »

NABOA - first thing is big hugs to you ((((hugs)))). I can relate to all you are saying and doing - in fact, if I knew it wasn't me, I'd think it was me! You have a lot of my life down to a T.

One thing I read was that you are a Christian, is your OH a Christian too? No, I think at the beginning and for a long time he went along with it all to please me, but he does not anymore.I just wondered because I am and my OH isn't and I can cope with my feelings just like you in times like this (I've been though something similar 5 years ago). I think it does help in that I know even if this is to happen I have got faith that things will turn out right,We're in our late 50's with grown up children and though I did think about splitting up, like you, I was more concerned about how others would react but over the recent years so I dismissed the idea and we reconciled but now I'm not totally sure I did the right thing by us staying together. I often wonder what it would be like if I wasn't with him (now that must be sad eh!) I think that's what I don't want to happen, do I want to spend another 15 years with him, when I know he's not worth it?He's a really nice bloke (my OH) and lots of people like him but without knowing anything about him (IYSWIM) Are you sure we're not the same person?
I think (on reflection and he agrees) that his love for me is more like that towards a mother and not a wife and to me that says a lot about our relationship! I think of that and other ways he's treated me (not nastily, but not lovingly either) and it does hurt inside but I'm still here with him and in a very strange way I do love/care for him. I'll stay this way unless something else happens and then I'll have to have a total rethink of how I will treat it. I think that's how it's been for the last few years and if this hadn't happened we would have just carried on. Maybe this is the chance I need, I don't want to be his mother, or his friend, I want to be a wife!
So good luck in your life, and I very much hope that it turns out for the best for you and your girls.

Thankyou for your post, it really helped. I haven't had a good day today, work just seems to be going on around me, but in some ways maybe I'm getting part of the hurt over now, so that I can cope better when it does get sorted. I really think it has to be over between us, if it is the same one from 5 years ago then he obviously can't survive without her, and if it's another one then I think that would be even worse as he's obviously just happy to go for anything that comes his way! He's quite a complicated man in a way, he was adopted, and although his parents are wonderful I do think he has a chip on his shoulder and feels the need to have attention. He also wasn't a particularly attractive teenager, never really had a girlfriend till later so I think give him a bit of female attention and he's amazed that anyone could like him. I'm not making excuses for him, but it does worry me that he can be a bit erratic ( most people love him, I should imagine some people think he's annoying!) and I've always been his stabilising influence. I worry what he'll do once he realises he's thrown all this away. He'll pretty much lose all his 'proper' friends, his family will think he's mad. He's not violent, never has been but he can be overly dramatic and say things he doesn't mean. But then I suppose that's all his problem, not mine. I just don't want the girls to see a side of him that he, and I, keep very well hidden around them.
Apologies for the long post, but it helps when you're not telling anybody else!

needabitofadvice

P.S Kimmee- Well done on your weight loss, that's fantastic!

bugbabe1970

1sttimer - I really feel for you. Your husband has made you live your married life without the love, affection and attention that we all deserve. To be loved like a mother and not a wife would be devastating to me. I hope "something else" comes along for you. I know you are a christian and obviously your marriage vows are very importanant to you but surely you deserve some happiness and attention too? Its not too late.

Sorry to saboutage the thread OP, I have been following since your first post and wish you well in the decisions you make. You too deserve to be happy and feel loved again. Even though you say your husband is a lovely man, he hasnt treated you or your children with the respect you deserve. Youve got some tough decisions to make. Its going to be tough but you need to think of yourself and your children now, not your husband! x

kimmee

needabitofadvice wrote: »

P.S Kimmee- Well done on your weight loss, that's fantastic!

Thanks very much

Don't apologise for the long posts - you need to get it out and if you're not telling anyone else at the moment then writing on here is a release isn't it? One thing you said is that you want to be his wife and not his mother - I think some men want their wives to mother them, and to be the housekeeper blah blah blah and forget why they married them in the first place.

Now it's your time, decide what you want, whats best for you. If your worried about your girls then believe me, if you are happier then your girls will be too. When I split up from my ex-husband my boys were devastated, but in time they actually came to see that both me and ex were happier and the boys were happier too, it's now almost 8 years since the split and they've both said to me recently that they can see it was the best thing for us.

Good luck, and keep posting if you feel you need to keep writing your thoughts down - it doesn't matter how long and rambling they are if it helps you!

needabitofadvice

So he's gone off on his golf trip. Earlier tonight it felt fantastic, nothing to worry about for the whole weekend, no acting, just being myself. Two glasses of wine later I'm feeling a bit melancholy and imagining what life's going to be like when it's like this every night.... Note to self: Don't drink wine, it always gets me like this! He was ever so helpful before he left, and he had such fun with the girls last night. I need to remember all the miserable, horrible times though when the youngest turns round and asks why dad is always so grumpy. Maybe one day they'll thank me....

cazscoob

i hope things turn out better than you could ever imagine, i found out my husband was having an affair on monday. he has been seeing this girl for 16 months it all started when my baby was 6 days old.
i took revenge and smashed his prized car up with a hammer and also by texting and phoning the other woman, i needed to know the truth as i felt the last 16 months have been based on lies. i have told him there is no going back and its over. i am scarily calm and in control, i put on a nice dress, make up and really made an effort today, his eyes popped out of his head! I am planning things to look forward to, i know i can do this on my own and i will show him!
xxxx

ailuro2

Hi OP, thanks for keeping us up to date.

Stay off the wine and get yourself organised this weekend while he's gone.

Take pictures of, scan, copy everything you can relating to finances and the house. If your girls ask tell them you're having a belated spring clean.

write down a list of all the horrible things he's done to you, then write down a list of all the nasty things you would like to do or say to him but wouldn't because of the kids. Get it out of the system now, one of days you will look back on it and wonder why you didn't make him leave the first time he had a dose of the wandering willies.

If you want to be a little bit nasty dampen his passport just a little bit... not enough so he'll notice but just enough to make the ink run a bit and get him stopped at security, that way he won't be able to take the new bit of stuff anywhere exotic:rotfl:

btw, it doesn't matter if he's still seeing the one from 5 years ago or has a fresh bit of meat, he is CHEATING on you... there is no difference who it is with.

p.s. is it definitely a golfing break he's on? I'd be itching to make sure in your shoes.;)

PicnicBasket_2

I was in a very similar situation to you - met ex-husband when I was 18, and he was 21. Together 22 years, survived his first affair but had enough by the second.

This is what helped us get through it, although it might not be right for you.

Even though he had the affairs, and I was the comparative 'innocent partner' I made a point of articulating to my children, family and friends (the children were 14,17 and 19) that I took responsibility for some of it too, and it wasn't only his responsibility. (Note I am not using the word 'fault'). Because every relationship has two sides to it, and none of us are perfect. Yes it was mainly down to his philandering but you have to look at any bits that you might have got wrong, or in the long run it is harder to move on. He has to deal with what he has done (and that will be horrible as the fallout starts because what he has done is terrible, lying and cheating and breaking his children's hearts) but that's his business. His bit of what has happened for him to deal with.

It is each individual's responsibility to see what their part might have been in the breakdown of a relationship. Don't confuse this with blame - you are not to blame. It's just that recognising and openly acknowledging that you may have unwittingly contributed to the breakdown is in the long run is fairer to all even though it will feel horribly unfair now. It also earns you much more respect and self-respect long term than being 100% victim does. It helps those people you love dearly to come to terms with the way their picture of you husband is going to be shattered. I mean this for their sake, not his.

By doing this I helped his parents (who I loved and still love) to see him as human not an ogre. They needed that, they love him hugely of course. As well as that, it supported the kids to see that their mum is not a victim that they have to protect by hating their much-loved dad. They will be furious and frustrated and letdown but ultimately they'll come to understand. My children have been lovely to us both, and although they know he behaved incredibly badly (you can't hide the affair in my opinion, the kids deserve the basic truth), they also know I don't see myself as a blameless victim and that gives some balance.

Most of all it helped me to get over it, to make improvements to myself for my own sake, to refuse to let bitterness and victimhood in and to be able, seven years later, to enjoy the truly honest and fabulous relationship I have now with a gorgeous, funny, communicative man who makes me happier than I could ever have imagined.

And I can still like the flawed but essentially decent man who fathered my children and shared my life for 22 years and be happy for him in his (eventual) happiness, which has really truly minimised the inevitable trauma for three much-loved offspring who know they can place us side-by-side at their weddings in the future.

I do wish you well through this difficult time; you sound like a lovely person.

love_lifer

Thank you for saying this about responsibility, picnicbasket. eloquent and true, and not acknowledged nearly enough by most of us.
i am very pleased to hear you are happy, long may it last