Practicalities of husband leaving.

property.advert

Having an affair is not the worst thing that can happen. In different cultures, it is often accepted but the underlying foundation is that the prime family and position of the wife are not compromised. Some even see this as, if the wife and family have a 4 bed house, then the mistress cannot have more than that, the major provision must be for the family.

So you've found out. In reality, nothing has really changed. For some time you have not been a couple and I dare say that the lack of intimacy would be blamed on each other were you to both have it out in the open. Of course you feel threatened but is there real danger at the door or is it simply a case of him seeking physical comfort with someone, simply because he needs that emotional release and he is not getting it from you and has not been for a long time ?

On one hand I admire your calm attitude but on the other, I do not like your seemingly having already made decisions which will break up your family. You probably view him as having made that decision but he hasn't said he is leaving and if you push him, he may jump and that may cause a chain reaction from which all of you cannot recover.

Some guys don't find their partner attractive after she has had kids. I don't necessarily expect her body to be the same but I don't expect her to balloon up like a whale either (not saying you are). Scarring and body deterioration after pregnancy and with age is one thing but letting yourself go to the dogs is just not acceptable. You don't say you find him unattractive but have you asked him why he doesn't find you attractive ? or do you know ?

As a middle aged bloke, I am aware that I need to do more now to keep relatively attractive than I did in my youth. That is my problem, not that of my partner. When I came back to the UK, I was amazed how many women of all ages were just serious lard buckets. I couldn't make love to them if they were the last females on earth.

On a practical level, I wouldn't insist he leaves and if I was in his position, I wouldn't leave. No way would I walk away or be forced out. If my partner started to make demands or ultimatums then it would just strengthen my resolve. You don't want to end up there.

If the kids could go and stay somewhere or even if you two could go away for a day or so, stay in a hotel and have someone else sleepover in your house then you'd get the time to talk as this is not something which can be talked through in an hour or two and rushing decisions is the last thing you want to do now.

poet123

For many people, if either partner breaks the marriage vows (which include for better, for worse) then the innocent party is so hurt that the marriage is immediately over. They made their choice, and broke their vows, they take the consequences.

garthdp

property.advert wrote: »

Some guys don't find their partner attractive after she has had kids. I don't necessarily expect her body to be the same but I don't expect her to balloon up like a whale either (not saying you are). Scarring and body deterioration after pregnancy and with age is one thing but letting yourself go to the dogs is just not acceptable.
When I came back to the UK, I was amazed how many women of all ages were just serious lard buckets. I couldn't make love to them if they were the last females on earth.


.

Wow!!Seems you have a bit of a problem with the larger lady!
Cant see how it helps OPs particular situation but you must feel great now you have it off your chest!!:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Moving on.....................

jakem_2

garthdp wrote: »

Wow!!Seems you have a bit of a problem with the larger lady!
Cant see how it helps OPs particular situation but you must feel great now you have it off your chest!!:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Moving on.....................

Hahaha my thoughts exactly, am not a large lady myself, but I can see how P.A would get some womens back up by that comment.
The Op has never even mentioned she is a large lady or piled on weight, but perhaps in P.A mind that could be the reason for the husband having an affair, which of course is tosh.

The OP does not need that type of comment thrown in when she is going through her turmoil.
Maybe P.A has the body of an adonis, but he all the sensitivity of a teabag with that comment, its best he stays away from the larger ladies as they would be lesser mortals to him. Tut tut, naughty man.:(

kimmee

Just want to put in my thoughts as I have been following the thread with interest.

OP - you have to do what you think is right, follow your gut instinct. You may live to have regrets, you may look back on this time and think 'yes, I did it right' but you must do what you feel is the right way for you, what you can cope with at this rotten time. I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt blah blah blah and have come out the other side pretty much smiling and with some regrets but not many!

I wish you lots of luck and lots of happiness, which from the sound of it you richly deserve

Property Advert - you sound like the kind of pompous a**e my ex husband was.

garthdp

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2540507

Property advert? Pompous a**e?I think he may be!

check out this reply on another thread.

how do you think you are actually helping people.

If you have nothing constructive to add why not just leave alone
Things could be a lot worse OP .He could have been your husband!

MissMoneypenny

property.advert wrote: »

As a middle aged bloke, I am aware that I need to do more now to keep relatively attractive than I did in my youth. That is my problem, not that of my partner. When I came back to the UK, I was amazed how many women of all ages were just serious lard buckets. I couldn't make love to them if they were the last females on earth.

Has no one really ever told you that even "lard buckets" will not fancy a middle age man, so the chances of them letting you "make love to them" was probably zero?

A middle aged man can walk down the street with balding head/ his bits drooping with age/old skin and still believe he is sexy. No amount of going to the gym, taking up cycling or buying a sports car, can halt time. Youth is attractive to both genders. Oh vanity, thy name is man.:D

needabitofadvice

property.advert wrote: »

Having an affair is not the worst thing that can happen. It is to me at the moment.


On one hand I admire your calm attitude but on the other, I do not like your seemingly having already made decisions which will break up your family. I haven't made the decision to break up my family. He did that when he started an affair after promising me it would never happen again, knowing that he would have no more chances.

Some guys don't find their partner attractive after she has had kids. I don't necessarily expect her body to be the same but I don't expect her to balloon up like a whale either (not saying you are). Scarring and body deterioration after pregnancy and with age is one thing but letting yourself go to the dogs is just not acceptable. You don't say you find him unattractive but have you asked him why he doesn't find you attractive ? or do you know ?

On a practical level, I wouldn't insist he leaves and if I was in his position, I wouldn't leave. Thankfully I think he will have the good grace to leave,No way would I walk away or be forced out. If my partner started to make demands or ultimatums then it would just strengthen my resolve. And again thankfully, he's not like that ( I'm almost making him sound great!)You don't want to end up there.
.

poet123 wrote: »

For many people, if either partner breaks the marriage vows (which include for better, for worse) then the innocent party is so hurt that the marriage is immediately over. They made their choice, and broke their vows, they take the consequences.It wasn't immediately over the first time. I have worked so hard over the last 5 years to keep this going[/QUOTE]

It makes me laugh how innocently he can sit here and act like everything is absolutely normal. The horrible thing is that I really like him, he's a nice man, but not nice enough to be a doormat to. I am waiting, I need to but I am getting sorted in my head, and that's what I need to do. P.S I have put on a bit of weight, that's what it must be!:rotfl:

kimmee

[QUOTE

It makes me laugh how innocently he can sit here and act like everything is absolutely normal. The horrible thing is that I really like him, he's a nice man, but not nice enough to be a doormat to. I am waiting, I need to but I am getting sorted in my head, and that's what I need to do. P.S I have put on a bit of weight, that's what it must be!:rotfl:[/QUOTE]

OMG poor you - Mr PA won't want to 'make love to you' :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Seriously, you've done the right thing by waiting because that's what you want/need to to till the right time, so good for you. I don't know how he can act normal while your head must be in absolute turmoil - that happened to me once, a long while ago (in my slimmer days :rotfl:) and I wanted to scream at him 'you've ripped my heart out and smashed it into a million pieces' but I bided my time (this wasn't my ex-husband, this was my ex-OH who I split from last year) and when the the time was right I told him that I knew but in the time when he didn't know I knew he was just as normal as ever - bad men! I believe in karma and what goes around, comes around.

Anyway, just keep on posting as I really think writing it all down does help, and you can read back how you were/are feeling and maybe that helps too.

Thinking of you

1sttimer_2

NABOA - first thing is big hugs to you ((((hugs)))). I can relate to all you are saying and doing - in fact, if I knew it wasn't me, I'd think it was me! You have a lot of my life down to a T.

One thing I read was that you are a Christian, is your OH a Christian too? I just wondered because I am and my OH isn't and I can cope with my feelings just like you in times like this (I've been though something similar 5 years ago). We're in our late 50's with grown up children and though I did think about splitting up, like you, I was more concerned about how others would react but over the recent years so I dismissed the idea and we reconciled but now I'm not totally sure I did the right thing by us staying together. I often wonder what it would be like if I wasn't with him (now that must be sad eh!) He's a really nice bloke (my OH) and lots of people like him but without knowing anything about him (IYSWIM)

One thing that he did say at the time (when it was out in the open between us - I only told my best friend, no one else was aware) was that he loved us both at the same time, but in different ways. He said he would never leave me and even told the OW that(!!!).

I think (on reflection and he agrees) that his love for me is more like that towards a mother and not a wife and to me that says a lot about our relationship! I think of that and other ways he's treated me (not nastily, but not lovingly either) and it does hurt inside but I'm still here with him and in a very strange way I do love/care for him. I'll stay this way unless something else happens and then I'll have to have a total rethink of how I will treat it.

So good luck in your life, and I very much hope that it turns out for the best for you and your girls.