He's not ready to marry me?

Person_one

peachyprice wrote: »

I would hope that if marriage were that important to you, you wouldn't have got as far as long term comitments and children, surely that's something findamental to be discussed before forming a long lasting relationship.

Waiting until you've been together years and had a child is leaving it a little late to decide no wedding is a deal breaker.

Children sometimes come along when you don't expect them to!

I don't think all the replies telling the OP what she should or shouldn't have done in the past are particularly helpful to her current situation. Unless any of these posters happen to have a spare time machine lying around they could lend her.

Person_one

gwhizz75 wrote: »

I always find myself replying to these kind of posts because I am in the same situation. I've been with my boyfriend for 6 1/2 years now and although I'm in no hurry to get married, I would like to get engaged or at least have some kind of date in mind for when we will get engaged/married. My boyfriend tells me he isn't ready but he's so not ready that whenever marriage is mentioned (by me or by family/friends) he changes the subject straight away and won't answer any straight questions. I love him to bits but marriage IS important to me and I think it's really hard to compromise on this issue. There seems to be no way of us both getting what we want.

The thing that upsets me is that he doesn't seem to have a reason for not being "ready". We own a house together, we have a joint bank account, what's mine is his and vice versa. Also, he won't put any kind of timeline on things, or talk about when he thinks he might be ready. I'm not sure what I'm expected to do in the meantime? Sit around and wait for something that might never happen? Waste my twenties being in a relationship with someone who doesn't want the same things as me? If he had a reason why now isn't the right time to get engaged, maybe I would understand. He says he wants to be with me forever, but if that's true, then why would he not want to marry me?

I dread to think how many other women are in this situation but it's horribly frustrating. And for the record, I don't want to get married for the wedding, I'd be happy with just me and him and our parents being there. I don't really know what to do though. I don't want him to agree to marriage just because I nagged him into it!

I think you should show him what you've written here. Its very clear and well thought through.

ixia

I had the same problem as you I have been with my husband for 20 years however we only got married 6 years ago.

I think my husbands biggest fear was the commitment however he has totally changed since we got married and wishes we had done it sooner. I think being a dad young maybe made him feel a bit trapped he was just very immature. It all worked out in the end.

Maybe leave it for now and see what happens

Good luck

dom300186

Well thank you for all your replies, we had a little progress whilst we went to a wedding reception and got very drunk.

I told him why getting married is important to me but to all of us, and i said i dont want to feel like we are going backwards, i told him if he hasnt brought up going to the next level within the next year i will know where we stand. He said he understood and that he will ask me to marry him before that anyway but he wants to suprise me.
Its not that im telling him i want to pressure him into marriage right now, im saying give me a timescale so i know what he has in mind and how he feels, beause i dont want to be wasting my time with someone who doesnt want to commit.

dom300186

He also said at the wedding reception he is scared about the whole how much it costs which puts him off, i told him i would only want us to have close family at a registry office and then have a party afterwards.
even if we went to las vegas and had elvis marry us i would be over the moon.

Well since my last post ive dusted myself off, and started paying more attention to me for once and not all about pleasing him.

The day after the cinema's i got my hair done had a facial got my nails done, bought some new clothes and started to feel sexy again, we didnt have sex but we went out had a drink with friends and what can i say he couldnt keep his hands off me and was watching me all night and i loved it!
Some guy randomly tried chatting me up and he came over straight away and my OH put his arm round me and asked if i wanted a drink and this guy walked away.
But he also asked where my engagment ring was? i simply told him because he doesnt have a plan for us i didnt feel right wearing it, no games just honesty.

We are planning a holiday together for next may as we have never been abroad.

stebiz

Great News for you. I'm sure he'll surprise you, when you least expect it.
I met my wife when I was 20 and although we got engaged and moved in straight away (I couldn't see enough of her +sad I know+) we never got married for 4 years.

I can hear a wedding in 2011

dianah

skypie123 wrote: »

I am fed up with people on here saying that having a child is a bigger commitment. It isn't. When you have a child you make your commitment to the child not the partner. When you get married you make your commitment to the partner. And no its not a cast iron guarantee that the other person won't walk out on you, nothing is, not even NOT getting married but if that is your only reason for NOT getting married then maybe you shouldn't be in any relationship.

in my opinion, having a child IS a bigger commitment than marriage in the sense that you can get divorced within three months (i've done this) and you never have to speak to the other person again.
as you said, if you have a child you make a commitment to the child so from my point of view - if you have a child, you & your partner have to find a way to be civil to each other for the sake of your child having both parents.
i don't think either getting married or having a child is a guarantee your partner won't walk out on you. but ending a marriage and ending a relationship (not necessarily a marriage) where a child is involved are two very different things.

i am married (been married once before) and don't have children. i haven't spoken to my ex husband for over two years and i don't intend to change that. if we had a child together it would be a whole different story.

dianah

dom300186 wrote: »

The day after the cinema's i got my hair done had a facial got my nails done, bought some new clothes and started to feel sexy again, we didnt have sex but we went out had a drink with friends and what can i say he couldnt keep his hands off me and was watching me all night and i loved it!
Some guy randomly tried chatting me up and he came over straight away and my OH put his arm round me and asked if i wanted a drink and this guy walked away.
But he also asked where my engagment ring was? i simply told him because he doesnt have a plan for us i didnt feel right wearing it, no games just honesty.

We are planning a holiday together for next may as we have never been abroad.

that sounds much more positive! i think you're quite relaxed about the whole thing now! good luck xxx

Primrose

Well, if he doesn't want to marry you now after you've had a child together, I can't think why he will want to in a year's time or two year's time. You want to get married. he doesn't. It sounds to me as he just doesn't want to commit in case something better comes along. Why should he marry you? He's got everything he wants now and you have no long term security whatsoever. Tell him that you don't want to spend the rest of your life wondering whether he's prepared to make a permanent commitment to you and that perhaps it would be better if he moved out so that you can get on with your life and try to find somebody who's got the guts to commit to a permanent relationship.

I don't "buy" all this nonsense about it not mattering whether you're married or not.. You've bought a child into this world and you both owe that child the security of a permanent commitment. If your boyfriend wanted the sex ride, he should now pay his fare.

dianah

primrose, marriage most definitely does not equal long term security. it did in the past, i'll give you that, but not anymore. even the messiest of divorces takes a couple of years - this is nothing compared to spending the rest of your life with someone you don't want to be with.

i agree that some people might stay because they're married - you certainly do try harder to work things out once you're married - or because of the children because 'it's what you do' but is that the right reason for two people to be together?

people take different amount of time to be happy to get married and often it has more to do with coming to terms what it would feel like to be married and what will change - didn't really make that much difference to my relationship - than with not wanting to commit.

me and my husband said on the first date that we will never get married because i've already been married and didn't fancy doing it again and he wasn't the marrying type. we got married half a year later. go figure.