He's not ready to marry me?

Mojisola

peachyprice wrote: »

Marriage WILL NOT stop someone walking out on you if that's what they want to do, why on earth would anyone think it would, getting married doesn't strip you of your own free will.

It doesn't stop someone from walking out but it does mean - a few examples - that if one of you is seriously ill, the other can speak for them as next-of-kin; it does mean if one dies, the other is entitled to bereavement benefits; it does mean the surviving spouse has inheritance rights. There are other good reasons, eg housing and parental rights.

Many of these things can be put right in other ways, eg a well-written will, notifying your GP that your OH is to be regarded as your next-of-kin, making sure you have your house secure for both of you, but they have to be done separately. Getting married sorts out a lot of legal issues in one go.

That's why I said that if the OP's partner really didn't want to get married, they need to make sure all these other things are done.

Steel_2

While you still have all the wedding stuff tucked away you are in limbo and I think it is unfair of him to want you to keep it indefinitely. It's a slap in the face every time you open a cupboard and a reminder of what happened. Take the bull by the horns and sell off or give away the wedding stuff you have accumulated. Otherwise it will eat away at you and create festering resentment. If you are going to stay together try and clear the way for a new chapter in your life.

I do not think you were a Bridezilla telling an intrusive member of his family to back off about being the maid of honour. It is a role for someone close to YOU to fulfill, not someone close to him. It is traditionally a best friend or a sister who has your best interests at heart and can support you as well as organise certain parts of the wedding and hen night. And bottom line - it's YOUR decision.

It's shocking how many people become so rude and intrusive about other people's weddings.

Gloomendoom

myothercarisaferrari wrote: »

I dont think issuing him with an ultimatum will do you any favours - I did this last year and he ended after nearly 4 years together

just because you are ready for it, doesnt mean he is and it will cause further issues for you

I agree. The same thing happened to me... we had been together for nearly fifteen years. Things just fell apart afterwards.

However, several years on, I remarried and I am now very happy. I just wasn't ready for it the first time. It is nothing to do with how much you love someone... at least it wasn't in my case.

skypie123_2

Can I just say there is nothing wrong with wanting to get married or having a lovely wedding day!!
I am fed up with people on here saying that having a child is a bigger commitment. It isn't. When you have a child you make your commitment to the child not the partner. When you get married you make your commitment to the partner. And no its not a cast iron guarantee that the other person won't walk out on you, nothing is, not even NOT getting married but if that is your only reason for NOT getting married then maybe you shouldn't be in any relationship.
Having a wedding is one day out of your life, why on earth shouldn't it be special? And why shouldn't you have that or for the one you love to want that for you? And a marriage is to be worked at. I know the statistics of 1 in 3 and all that but what are the statistics for relationships that end in people who don't get married?
Everyone has their own values and there is NOTHING wrong in wanting marriage OR the wedding day! If you don't then don't do it, thats your choice but please stop telling people that they are wrong if they do!

peachyprice

Skypie, you are right, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be married, I am. There's also nothing wrong with wanting a beautiful wedding day, I did. But only of BOTH of you want it.

What is wrong is putting a wedding before a stable loving relationship and saying that if your OH doesn't want that wedding you're wasting your life on him, despite him being a good partner, a good provider and a good father. Relationships need working at, not just marriages,

skypie123_2

peachyprice wrote: »

Skypie, you are right, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be married, I am. There's also nothing wrong with wanting a beautiful wedding day, I did. But only of BOTH of you want it.

What is wrong is putting a wedding before a stable loving relationship and saying that if your OH doesn't want that wedding you're wasting your life on him, despite him being a good partner, a good provider and a good father. Relationships need working at, not just marriages,

Very true, relationships are hard work but so worth it when they work properly and no-one should consider taking it further if things aren't stable and happy.
For me though, I have always made it clear that I am the marrying kind if the relationship is right. Its just how I am. I wouldn't just marry ANYONE but then I wouldn't just go out with anyone and have and would end it if it wasn't working. I would be very interested to know why a man wouldn't want to get married to his long-term partner IF it was working properly. If it was just out of stubbornness then he wouldn't be the man for me and we would part ways.

JBD

myothercarisaferrari wrote: »

I remember someone who posted on here a few weeks ago on a similar thread said the way to get a man to marry you is to not move in with him and not have kids x

I was going to say something similar myself. The fact is that this man doesn't have any real reason to get married unless HE chooses to, as he already has a 'wife' and child. If he really doesn't want to get married to her he can string her along for years, saying he doesn't feel ready. Of course he may decide in time that he does want to marry her but I suspect it will be when it suits him, not her.

dom300186

Thank you everyone i have decided to keep me gob shut and not say anything and just act not bothered about getting married, i know it is something i would love for us but i am going to have to respect his wishes, he told my mum recently it will happen but i wont know when to expect it i dont know if this is in a few months time or 10 years times, but i dont want to wreck what we have at the mo.

And to top it off yesterday he told me he has booked us two tickets to watch sex and the city 2 movie, he actually liked the fist one but thats because of kim catrell (Samantha) lol least he thought about me though lol and probably hoping he gets to see an eye full.

Thank you everyone for your posts/views on this topic

Hopefully keeping my gob shut is our happily ever after

xxx

myothercarisaferrari

Shegirl, did you understand my post? I don' believe you did

What is the point in staying with someone who doesnt want the same thing as you? He might change, he might not. You only live once and you cant waste your life with someone who can't give you a defined answer on what he wants x

zppp

myothercarisaferrari wrote: »

Shegirl, did you understand my post? I don' believe you did

What is the point in staying with someone who doesnt want the same thing as you? He might change, he might not. You only live once and you cant waste your life with someone who can't give you a defined answer on what he wants x

:eek: I think your view is tainted. Reading what the OP has stated, it does look like her OH does want long term commitment, but not yet. I think this is entirely plausible and fair. Life is not as simple as you make out, so stop coming out with rubbish.

dom300186, I have read this post, and it sounds like that big day will happen - it is just a question of when. At least you'll be there with him at Sex and the City .