He's not ready to marry me?

Person_one

shegirl wrote: »

Well it depends I guess.

What is more important to you?Spending your life with the person you love and want to be with despite them not wanting marriage (they'll have their reasons) or leave them,hurting yourself,just to find someone who wants to 'sign a contract'?

I know which I'd rather do

I think you might be missing my point a bit.

Its not that you'd be leaving an amazing perfect relationship for the sake of a contract, rather that the other partner's unwillingness to sign the contract to bring security, protection and legal rights into the relationship would make you question whether this is in fact a perfect amazing relationship after all.

If I truly loved, cared about and planned to be with someone forever, why would I not marry them if it was important to them? If I'm planning to spend my life with this person either way then what harm would it do me?

tabskitten

I agree.

Even if I personally was not bothered about marrying ( I am but talking hypothetically) IF MY oh whom i love WAS, i would want to do it because it mattered to him.

This is the situ my OH and I are in. He is not religious and couldn't care about marriage one way or the other. BUT he loves me and he knows it matters to me, so he is more than happy to do it.

Relationships are all about give and take.

I don't like sausages- but I cook them for him because he does!!

dianah

i would stop talking about it altogether & put the wedding stuff away somewhere you can't see it/have easy access to it. he will definitely notice the wedding talk has stopped and this might happen:

1/ after a while, he'll ask why you've stopped talking about it
2/ he'll be relieved he's not being put on the spot and might start thinking about getting married or what it is he wants - it's much easier to be favourable to things you don't feel forced into
3/ he might get worried you don't want to marry him anymore and will propose

i'd definitely try this for several months.

Person_one

dianah wrote: »

i would stop talking about it altogether & put the wedding stuff away somewhere you can't see it/have easy access to it. he will definitely notice the wedding talk has stopped and this might happen:

1/ after a while, he'll ask why you've stopped talking about it
2/ he'll be relieved he's not being put on the spot and might start thinking about getting married or what it is he wants - it's much easier to be favourable to things you don't feel forced into
3/ he might get worried you don't want to marry him anymore and will propose

i'd definitely try this for several months.

This couple have been together 5 years and have a child, should they really be playing these kinds of silly games?

You can't manipulate or trick someone into committing to you, surely you should be able to discuss this sort of thing like rational adults?

Kimitatsu

dom300186 wrote: »

Thank you everyone i have decided to keep me gob shut and not say anything and just act not bothered about getting married, i know it is something i would love for us but i am going to have to respect his wishes, he told my mum recently it will happen but i wont know when to expect it i dont know if this is in a few months time or 10 years times, but i dont want to wreck what we have at the mo.

And to top it off yesterday he told me he has booked us two tickets to watch sex and the city 2 movie, he actually liked the fist one but thats because of kim catrell (Samantha) lol least he thought about me though lol and probably hoping he gets to see an eye full.

Thank you everyone for your posts/views on this topic

Hopefully keeping my gob shut is our happily ever after

xxx

You know what I would do - stay quiet for now, and then when he brings it up suggest a small quiet wedding with just immediate family only. That way you can upset everyone and have a big party afterwards where they can all complain they were not invited to the wedding itself.

The problem with weddings is that everyone has a view and it becomes a runaway train if you are not careful, if you were getting stressed about it, did it occur to you that he was worried about YOU in all of this? Whilst I understand that getting married is important, is the day that important? Balance out what it is you want and (first lesson of being married) suggest it in a roundabout way and then leave it, in a while he will come back with it and think it was all his idea!

Good luck
x

KimmyCustard

I got married the first time at 21, the next time at 34 and the final time at 38!

All different men and I was a different person (I feel) each time. I dont have any children with any of those men but I cant see a 'bigger' commitment than having a child together.

Youre right to keep quiet, live your life and enjoy your relationship as it is, as you know, many people dont even get that in their lives.

Good luck.
x

dianah

Person_one wrote: »

This couple have been together 5 years and have a child, should they really be playing these kinds of silly games?

You can't manipulate or trick someone into committing to you, surely you should be able to discuss this sort of thing like rational adults?

i think they've discussed it over and over and over again with the same outcome.

sorry, perhaps i expressed myself wrong, i don't think stopping doing what does not work (i.e. talking, expressing her wish to get married, him expressing his wish not to get married, her getting upset and him getting frustrated) and trying something completely different (i.e. giving him space to think about it without the marriage issue being thrown into his face on a regular basis) is playing games.
it's simply a different approach and i think it's much better than either continuing in current fashion, or getting harsher (i.e. issue him an ultimatum)

yes, they've been together for five years and have a child together but she wants to get married and he doesn't feel ready. this is as far as they can go with talking - he knows what she wants and she knows what he wants (or doesn't want). how exactly is talking helping? they've been talking about the same thing for years now. all it does it make her upset and him being pushed into corner.

gwhizz75

I always find myself replying to these kind of posts because I am in the same situation. I've been with my boyfriend for 6 1/2 years now and although I'm in no hurry to get married, I would like to get engaged or at least have some kind of date in mind for when we will get engaged/married. My boyfriend tells me he isn't ready but he's so not ready that whenever marriage is mentioned (by me or by family/friends) he changes the subject straight away and won't answer any straight questions. I love him to bits but marriage IS important to me and I think it's really hard to compromise on this issue. There seems to be no way of us both getting what we want.

The thing that upsets me is that he doesn't seem to have a reason for not being "ready". We own a house together, we have a joint bank account, what's mine is his and vice versa. Also, he won't put any kind of timeline on things, or talk about when he thinks he might be ready. I'm not sure what I'm expected to do in the meantime? Sit around and wait for something that might never happen? Waste my twenties being in a relationship with someone who doesn't want the same things as me? If he had a reason why now isn't the right time to get engaged, maybe I would understand. He says he wants to be with me forever, but if that's true, then why would he not want to marry me?

I dread to think how many other women are in this situation but it's horribly frustrating. And for the record, I don't want to get married for the wedding, I'd be happy with just me and him and our parents being there. I don't really know what to do though. I don't want him to agree to marriage just because I nagged him into it!

peachyprice

Person_one wrote: »

If I was in a committed long term relationship with a child and my partner refused to sign the contract to make everything legal I would feel terribly insecure and doubt how serious they were really were about things.

I would hope that if marriage were that important to you, you wouldn't have got as far as long term commitments and children, surely that's something fundamental to be discussed before forming a long lasting relationship.

Waiting until you've been together years and had a child is leaving it a little late to decide no wedding is a deal breaker.

Freddie_Snowbits

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