He's not ready to marry me?

dom300186

So here is a short story on us.
we met over the internet 5 years ago after i came out of a destressing relationship and i left that person wasnt ready to settle so we just chatted for 4 months, we eventually met one night and he didnt go home for 4 days, we didnt have a sexual relationship for about 2 months.

after 3 months of being with each other, we loved each others company and talked all the time, i was asleep one day and he whispered he could cry as i look beautiful when i sleep, i woke up when he said this he then carried on and said to me those three words.:j

1 week later
he asked me to move in with him, which i agreed too.

2 years later
I fell pregnant and was devistated as i was only 20 and he was still 19, he became distant through out the pregnancy and was not very supportive, i put it down to him being nervous about being a father.

9 months later lol
we had our son, and he is fantastic with him and appologised for being a git whilst i was pregnant and should have looked after me more.

1 year later
he said he would like to marry me in a couple of years time so we decided summer 2009, and he said h will leave me to plan as he is rubbish at things like that, i respected that.

whilst planning our wedding family became to involved and stressed me out alot, a very close family member on his side decided to say things like "can i not be your maid of honour??" she asked me more than 5 times and in the end i said no i have my best friend, i asked him if she mentions this again next time can you ay something? he said no just ignore her.
well as you can guess it carried on and she became intrusive of our plans and would say your ideas are ok but what about this?:mad:

well 3 months before our big day he came home looking.....well like something had gone wrong and he seemed nervous, i thought he had a rubbish day at work and want to get something off his chest, he turned orund and said im not ready to get married and im not sure i love you anymore.:(
he spent one night away and came back saying he was an ideot he shouldnt have said he doesnt love me because he does, but still doesnt want to get married.

We are not coming upto a year of our should have been our 1st wedding anniversary, and we have now been together 5 years, things went back to how we were before but i get upset every now and again, i still have my dress flowers bridesmaid stuff everything but he said he doesnt want me to get rid of them as he knows i will be upset to look at them.

I want him too feel the same way i do, i dont want to get married for the sake of it but because we want to be one family and enjoy each other, now this person who wouldnt leave us alone when we were getting married has been with a guy for 6 months and they are getting married next year, ive been waiting 5 years what shall i do?

dom300186

sorry lol not short but advice will be appreciated.

SugarSpun

You're only 23 and he's only 22, right?

Why the rush? If he loves you and your son then you're as much a family as if you'd had the big day.

It seems to me that having a child with someone should be a bigger commitment than marriage, but marriage has far more of a lifestyle change associated with it, and he's probably afraid of the whole "till death do us part" bit, not realising that once you have a child you're effectively stuck dealing with each other even if it all goes wrong for at least 18 years - and then you still have to make nice at your child's milestone events.

If he's not ready, don't rush him, but don't ignore your own feelings. Be open about how his not-readiness makes you feel.

dom300186

i am 24 and he has just turned 23, i have tried the no pressure conversation but i get upset and think does he really love me bcause he says he doesnt know why hes not ready? i get upset cause he broke it off and cancelled everything so i still question him loving.
his mum and his family said i belong in the family and i am their daughter in law etc which made me get emotional, and said to him she can change her name to the family name and he said he doesnt mind that, but i would like to do things properly.
my parents never were married and neither were his, both our ums were in very abusive relationships and i want security for all of us and i want to do the opposite of the life we both had growing up, for our son as we both have bad memories of our past childhood.

Chinkle

Sounds like your partner struggles with making big decisions in life and wants to take things fairly slowly.

I'm sorry you made so many plans for your big day that were curtailed - that wasn't very nice.

I sell those wedding bits, or at least store them away somewhere not easily accessible. I have a hunch he will come round and decide he wants to go for the marriage, but maybe not as soon as you want. When he does involve him all the way, agree on all the things together, and take it slowly.

As for his relative, I would show her by example and stay out of the way of any planning.

Eric_Pisch

honestly marrage does not mean a great deal to many men, its a scary thing sure, and its a tie to commitment but most many never think about it, we certainly don't grow up watching films about it and spend weeks "play" pretend planning them.

Hes still very young and if we are honest men are very immature compared to women's, probably 10 years+

PasturesNew

Marry in haste, repent at leisure.

You have a good relationship as he's able to talk to you (could have just done a runner rather than telling you he didn't want to get married ... or gone ahead with it then legged it).

There's no rush.

Odette

Have you explored your feelings about marriage, why does it mean so much to you? You have a child together, surely thats more important than a concept?

dom300186

Because i love him and i love our family why not get married? lifes to short and i have lost too many people that i love and think why wait.
If you know you know, and i thought he did when he asked me a 2 years ago?

Plans_all_plans

So many of these threads where the woman wants to marry and the man doesn't!

Well OP, I really feel for you. I am "old fashioned" about this sort of thing, despite only being 24. I think marriage is important and I feel that after 5 years together he should know if you're the one for him or not.

The way I look at it is if you wanna get married and he doesn't: how long are you prepared to wait around for him? I have been with my fiance just over 4 years and we have a child together. I had a time limit in my head on how long I was prepared to wait for a proposal off him and would have left if I had to, because I would have been wasting my time otherwise.

The way I see it is that why should you waste your twenties on someone who purports to love you but wont commit to you, particularly when you have a child together, when you could find someone else who would commit to you?

Just read that his mum has said you can change your name to their surname if you want...!!!!!!??!! I'd have told her where to go. If he wants you to have the same surname, he should be marrying you in my opinion! Even our daughter has my surname and we will be changing it to her father's once we marry in a few month's time.

dom300186

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

So many of these threads where the woman wants to marry and the man doesn't!

Well OP, I really feel for you. I am "old fashioned" about this sort of thing, despite only being 24. I think marriage is important and I feel that after 5 years together he should know if you're the one for him or not.

The way I look at it is if you wanna get married and he doesn't: how long are you prepared to wait around for him? I have been with my fiance just over 4 years and we have a child together. I had a time limit in my head on how long I was prepared to wait for a proposal off him and would have left if I had to, because I would have been wasting my time otherwise.

The way I see it is that why should you waste your twenties on someone who purports to love you but wont commit to you, particularly when you have a child together, when you could find someone else who would commit to you?

I have said i dont want to be waiting at 14 years like my aunt did, i think that is far too long.

I dont want to wait that long!!!
How did you have the that conversation with your other half and how did he respond when you told him how long your giving him?