He's not ready to marry me?

Plans_all_plans

I didn't actually tell him there was a date in my head that I wanted a proposal by. I did however say that I wasn't prepared to wait around for ever and that marriage was important to me, so that if it didnt feature in his life plans, then he'd best tell me now and we'd go our separate ways.

He also said that "he wasn't ready" to marry and I said that was fine, but that I was ready for marriage, so we were kind of at a crossroads at that point.

In the end I just stopped talking about it cos I was resigning myself to the fact that we weren't going to last. Then after 2 months of me not mentioning it at all, he proposed!

I wouldn't necessarily give your OH an ultimatum of "marry me by Christmas or that's it" but I do think that having your own deadline and spelling out to him how important it is to you may be a way forward for you.

dom300186

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

I didn't actually tell him there was a date in my head that I wanted a proposal by. I did however say that I wasn't prepared to wait around for ever and that marriage was important to me, so that if it didnt feature in his life plans, then he'd best tell me now and we'd go our separate ways.

He also said that "he wasn't ready" to marry and I said that was fine, but that I was ready for marriage, so we were kind of at a crossroads at that point.

In the end I just stopped talking about it cos I was resigning myself to the fact that we weren't going to last. Then after 2 months of me not mentioning it at all, he proposed!

I wouldn't necessarily give your OH an ultimatum of "marry me by Christmas or that's it" but I do think that having your own deadline and spelling out to him how important it is to you may be a way forward for you.

so how long did you give yourself? I think its something i do need to do as i dont want to go treading on egg shells if something isnt going to happen, h knows i love him sometimes i think i do way to much for him and he takes me for granted but i cant help trying to make him happy to see i love him
.

Plans_all_plans

We moved in together early last year. I wanted a proposal by the time we'd lived together a year and it came within the year (just!). That's long enough to decide whether you're getting on well enough to marry in my opinion.

Oldernotwiser

Eric_Pisch wrote: »

honestly marrage does not mean a great deal to many men,

Actually, I think it is a big thing (quite rightly) to many men whereas many women can't see beyond the dress and being the centre of attention for the day.

Rockporkchop

So planning the wedding stressed you out and you asked your OH to rebuff his close family member because she was showing too much of an interest in your wedding.

With all due respect, is it possible that you turned into Bridezilla during the wedding preparations and he is loathe to go down the same route again?! You may find that if you suggested the two of you and baby elope somewhere and have a quiet and private ceremony you might get a different response.

dom300186

when the topic next crops up i will put the idea to him about getting married in private but i think he will want his family etc there? but i will see what he says.

myothercarisaferrari

I dont think issuing him with an ultimatum will do you any favours - I did this last year and he ended after nearly 4 years together

just because you are ready for it, doesnt mean he is and it will cause further issues for you

ellay864

If I've read it right you were teenagers when you met. You've both 'witnessed' abusive relationships, your own relationship became quite intense quite quickly, and you hadn't known each other a very long time when you moved in. Then at an age when you're really growing up and moving from teen to adulthood you have a child and more emotional 'upheaval'. It sounds like it has all been too much for him and you're now seeing it as some kind of rejection when you're so desperately craving the security of marraige.
Try and focus on the fact that he's still with you, he's a good father to your son...that's a lot more than many women have. Maybe he feels he needs some breathing space if he felt under pressure before.
Man aren't all the same. I met a guy who was engaged, he called off his wedding 2 weeks later (with just 3 months to go) and we moved in together after 4 months. We talked of marrying very early on and did get married eventually after 3 years when we moved house. 10 years after that he left me for another woman!
I met my current fiance in 2004, it took him almost 5 years to move in and he proposed last August on my birthday - we get married October 2011.
They're just 2 extremes so don't try to compare your situation to others - everybody is different and at the end of the day it has to feel right for both of you
Just try to take it easy and enjoy your time as a family...you already are one without a piece of paper

Plans_all_plans

myothercarisaferrari wrote: »

I dont think issuing him with an ultimatum will do you any favours - I did this last year and he ended after nearly 4 years together

just because you are ready for it, doesnt mean he is and it will cause further issues for you

I don't mean to sound harsh as you may still be upset about your relationship break up, but I think you are better off knowing that than still hanging on thinking "when are we getting married?"

January20

I am concerned that you are focusing so much on getting married, on wanting that big day, that you are not enjoying your present life. Putting apart the fact you want to get married, why don't you look at your life and evaluate it? Would getting married make you happier in your relationship? Would it make your boyfriend a better partner? A better father?

I don't understand why some people think marriage necessarily shows more commitment to one another. If it were so, there wouldn't be so many marriages ending in divorce. I would actually argue that staying together unmarried is more of a commitment because both parties are not locked into a contract.

Yes, life is short but you are only 24. You have a long life ahead of you hopefully! And because life is short, make the most of what you have today rather than waste time longing for something you can't have right now, because believe me one day you are 20something and suddenly you find yourself being 40something.