How do I move on from a relationship break-up?

AlwaysWorking

Hi! Thank you for thinking of me. I'm just in after an 8hr shift in my p/t job...lol, worked 35.5 hours there last week so maybe not so part time! I'm feeling worn out and very sorry for myself to be honest! It's a lovely sunny evening and I can't help but wonder what we would have been up to. I was lying in bed last night congratulating myself on another day of no contact...and then the reality hit me; I'm never going to be able to be in contact with him, am I? I can't be his friend and he doesn't want to have a relationship with me...so I have to lose him from my life. I'm losing my best friend. I'd give anything to be able to phone him, just to hear his voice. This is so hard. I feel like all I'm doing is working and sleeping...I'm existing, not living.

jackieglasgow

AW, he's not your best friend. Your best friend would not lie to you, deceive you, let you down or use you for some physical comfort because they felt like it, no matter what effect it has on you. Your best friend would love you, support you, BE HONEST WITH YOU EVERYDAY OF YOUR LIFE, keep their word, and consider your feelings above their own in most situations. I'm sorry to go on like a stuck record, but you need to keep telling yourself this. He wasn't your best friend, he is not the nice man he led you to believe he was, and he's not right for you, my darling. You will meet someone worthy of all the good things about you, one day, to either be your best friend or your life partner.

Of course you are just existing at the moment, but that's all you need to do just now, small little steps forward everyday, living, breathing, and getting through the pain. You will get through it, I promise. Have an extra big squishy hug from me with my own lovely Scottish accent! {{{{{hugs}}}}} X

hieveryone

AW, what does it matter what 'you would have been doing'? You aren't, that's the fact here. So you can do what YOU want to do - when I split up with my ex I didn't do a whole lot for a long time - like you said, existing.

Then I saw some really nice photographs online somewhere, and I thought, I want to take some photographs. So I bought a wee camera and took myself off to a park on a sunny day. Photographed some swans (!!), some squirrels, a waterfall - just nature in general. And it was lovely. Just me, walking around in the sunshine, watching grannies with their grandkids, people having picnics, dogs running around etc. I did it quite a few times as it was so nice and peaceful. I still look back on the times that I did that as some of the most peaceful, and will probably do it again this year when it gets a bit warmer.

[Deleted User]

Any thoughts on the house.., taking it on as a new mini project.., making it your own might possibly help if u can concentrate on making it yours.., without letting yourself think of the past. Think of it as an exciting adventure and u'r creating it for yourself.

I hope u don't mind, but reading this thread has reminded me of some of my 'darker moments and I wrote this. I hope it makes sense

Carry This With You Always

Remember the joys of your life
As each one occurs
Write them down each day
Lest you forget
For they will be needful to lighten
Your way in the darker moments.
And never forget that though they dim the lights,
These times are but a passageway
To the better ones just around the corner.
They are there still, waiting for you
For as long as is needful.
As long as you keep walking forwards.
Carry some sunlight in your heart
So it never hides in the shade
Be brave and true to what you are
And let not the shade drown out
The happiness you deserve always.

KME91

Hi AW, I've only just wandered into this thread but a number of things strike me. firstly - you were obviously sick of being miserable so you reached out for help, i'm so pleased for you that you found it here.

secondly, i know it might be hard to see now but this guy really doesn't sound like the most amazing bloke in the world. i've never had to reassure my partner that i will be coming home from work again tonight, and tbh that bit of your list set a little alarm bell ringing for me. that and his continued attempts at contact with you make it seem to me that he wants to have his cake and eat it so to speak, at the expense of your emotions. he seems desperately needy. likewise in the 4 1/2 years me and oh have been together we've had some humdingers of rows but we've never resorted to being mean to each other. (i've called him a prat once or twice and he calls me a tetchy sod occasionally but that's it)

i'll echo what everyone else has said andencourage you to keep up with the non contact. don't even drop his post around, just write 'no longer at this address - return to sender' on anything for him and shove it back in the post box.

Thirdly - you work too hard sweetie. i know you probably need to right now, but i think the lodger idea is an amazing one for you, on several levels. a bit of extra cash coming in, someone else in the house, so you don't have to be lonely, a possible new social opportunity, and you'll probably need to change the house around a bit to make it work, so that'll give you a bit of a new start too.

it's odd, i've been on both sides i think, and i can see why he's behaving the way he is to a certain extent, but that doesn't make it right. he's confused, lost his way, not sure if he's done the right thing, and there's a whole load of shallower stuff going on too, you boost his ego, make him feel like 'the man' because you're so reluctant to let him go. at the end of the day though he's thinking about himself first and you last. whatever he says to you, he's putting himself first and ou need to do the same for you. he's clearly not devestated like you are, if he has the conscious ability to make significant decisions like making an offer on a house, so don't take anything he says about your welfare too seriously.

good luck chick, i hope you can come out of this stronger and bolder.

notakid

Thats a great post :T:T:T I think you have the bf down to a tee.

You are worth so much more just pity the women who gets him if he still hasn't grown up.....:cool:

AlwaysWorking

Sorry guys, I feel like I'm letting everyone down but I'm just feeling so down today. I miss him so much. Not sure I can do this, or even if I want to try. Every day I put on a mask of pretend happiness and go out to face the world...but if I see a couple laughing together or holding hands, I just want to howl with the pain. I went to a friends last night and she was having a good natured moan about her fiance and how, if she has worked a long shift, he doesn't even offer to make her a cup of tea. I couldn't help but think of ex- when I worked a long day I would come home to a bubble bathe, candles lit and a glass of wine sitting on the side of the bath. He was perfect. Why couldn't he have kept loving me?

hieveryone

AW, sometimes you just need to think 'what's for you won't go by you'.

You 'deserve' to have down days, of course you will. Just don't let that down feeling carry on - it's ok to take 3 steps forward and 1 step back at this early stage.

I can't put across enough how normal these feelings are and how they WILL pass, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

Do you drive? Why not go a drive somewhere you've never been, somewhere really quiet, and just sit and have a good think about things - clear your head. Yes you'll feel lonely - but that's good, it shows you that there's no one else that has the 'power' to make you happy - only you can do that. And the fresh air should help you sleep tonight too.

Amanda65

AlwaysWorking wrote: »

Sorry guys, I feel like I'm letting everyone down but I'm just feeling so down today. I miss him so much. Not sure I can do this, or even if I want to try. Every day I put on a mask of pretend happiness and go out to face the world...but if I see a couple laughing together or holding hands, I just want to howl with the pain. I went to a friends last night and she was having a good natured moan about her fiance and how, if she has worked a long shift, he doesn't even offer to make her a cup of tea. I couldn't help but think of ex- when I worked a long day I would come home to a bubble bathe, candles lit and a glass of wine sitting on the side of the bath. He was perfect. Why couldn't he have kept loving me?

Maybe he was 'perfect' - but not your Mr Perfect! Anyone perfect (and actually I don't think a perfect person exists) would not treat another human being in such a callous and shallow manner :mad:

This is going to be tough - make no bones about it - but you CAN and WILL get through it. In years to come he may just decide he has made the biggest mistake of his life - and you may decide you've had the luckiest escape of yours! You deserve someone who loves you totally, honestly and unconditionally and unfortunately he appears to be unable to do this - do you really want to settle for second best ?

jackieglasgow

Hugs to you AW, you're not letting anyone down, at the end of the day, he was your man, this is your life, and you can't help but feel how you feel. But you need to take better care of yourself. You need to try and reduce your hours of work, you need to try and put that brave face on, practice those fake smiles, and get on with breathing just now. Eventually it will all become natural to you again, and you will start to see the beauty and happiness in life without trying, because you will have started to feel better. What's happening with the counselling, you need someone to listen to your train of thought, to get it all out, and gain clarity on things. If we were to make a list here of the things which were good and bad about him, I bet there would be more bad, and you will see that yourself someday. The baths and candles and wine when you came home from work, were manipulations by a man who was so insecure he needed to make sure you had something good to come back to. They were not signs of undying devotion. Do you not have some single friends you can go see today? Sunday is a crap day for newly single people, I know that.

I wish I could come over there and collect you, I'd bring you here for a while to recover. I'd run your baths, and look after you, and let you see how selfless such a thing could be. We're all worried for you, but only you can do this, and you've been making such good progress. Don't let this man take your spirit away with him. X