How do I move on from a relationship break-up?

Souk08

AW, firstly glad you are feeling a bit better.

I had to find new mates a few years back when I came back from many years of working overseas. I had a few back in my old city but went to all sorts of groups, placed ads etc to meet more. I met a girl through an ad on Gumtree early on and she told me it had taken her two years to get a good circle of friends in a new place. I thought at the time that that was outrageous but two years on I know she was right. It does take time to make friends but you need to start. If you genuinely feel that your married with children friends wont want to know then maybe it's time to look at finding more. That will let you get out and have some much needed fun.

XXX

DevilsAdvocate1

AlwaysWorking wrote: »

:wave:

As for things with the ex. I don't know where to start. At his request we had a lovely afternoon together just after I finished my old job. We went for a walk and a chat in the sunshine and it was lovely. He then phoned me to suggest going out for a walk and dinner another night, which I thought went perfectly. I was having a fantastic time until he mentioned that he had been on a couple of dates with a girl (3rd one in 3 months). I'm the type of person that when I'm upset I just want to be alone to lick my wounds. Rightly or wrongly that is how I felt when he told me, so I left (we'd finished dinner) and went home. He tried to get me to stay to talk, but I couldn't.

I'm ashamed to admit that when he later texted I sent some nasty ones back...I was just so hurt and couldn't understand why he'd kissed me and held my hand earlier if he now has a girlfriend. He said he doesn't, he'd just met her a couple of times and then he said something he's said before: 'she isn't you'. But surely that's a good thing, he doesn't want me?!

The next day he emailed to say that the only reason he had mentioned her was to be completely honest with me as he had wanted us to try again...but given how I had reacted, he no longer thought it was a good idea. I was crushed. I told him not to contact me for a while, which he agreed to do. He then tried phoning and texting me a few times over the next few days and I ignored them. On Saturday he texted asking if I wanted to come see his new house (it completed last week). I agreed and called in on my way to work...I then spent part of yesterday with him as well. In my heart I know it's over...but neither of us seem to be able to let go. We get on so well and the spark is still there...but he doesn't want to try again. He admits our 'dates' have been better than they ever were and that if it was the start of a relationship he would fall head over heels in love with me. I can only assume it's a fear of committment that prevents him from trying again....

I hope everyone else's lives are a lot less complicated at the minute!!!!

I've been lurking on your thread but not posted before. Your posts remind me of my split with my ex.

I really hope you are not beating yourself up over your reaction when he told you he had seen someone else a few times. This is where I think he is manipulating you. He feels guilty for the hurt he has caused, so to make himself feel better he is trying to justify himself by blaming you. No matter how you had reacted to the news, it would have been wrong. To tell you that he would have got back with you if you had reacted differently is relieving him of some of his guilt (and a horrible thing to say imho. He gives you the news you want to hear and then takes it away because you acted wrongly).

You have to remain true to yourself or you will end up with no self esteem. My ex used to say stuff like that to me all the time and by the end of our relationship I hated myself and had no confidence. The problem is, that if you were to get back with him now, the power in your relationship has changed. You would be on your best behaviour in case you said or did the wrong thing "causing" him to finish with you. You can't live you life like that.

Be kind to yourself and take your time. Six months really isn't a long time to get over someone. The thing that helped me was to find another man. I honestly only went out with him because the pain of splitting up was less when I was with the new man. I have been with the new man for nearly 20 years now, we are happily married, and have 3 kids. Although I still think of my ex sometimes, I love my husband to bits and would not change him for the world. It took me a long, long time to feel like this though.

D.

cherub1965

:cool:

AlwaysWorking wrote: »

I'm sure you are right. My mum says I need to stop all contact with him. He still phones and texts me, but if I'm being honest, it is probably only because he feels guilty..and not because he loves me. He'd asked me out for dinner/the movies a few times over the last couple of weeks. We had a great time and I really thought there was hope...but I think it was just that he's a truely lovely man and thought that getting me out would help me. He would never lead me on, he's too honest for playing games.

be hard and say no when he asks you out.i was 31 and split with hubby and was left with a 6 yr old and a mortgage.he kept coming to take us out for meals,the park etc etc then leaving me in a right state when he left again to go stay at his mums,it was a wrench,like we were splitting again.in the end i stopped going out with him and just let him take our son out.then i met a nice guy,more mates than anything at first.that was 13 years ago.mortgage nearly paid off,got a lovely man who dotes on me,diffrent one than the first one,lol.we dont live together as he looks after his dad who has altzeimers in between working but i just know he is my soul mate.had few flings along the way:D:D:D,boosted me no end.just get out there and keep smiling even though you feel awful.been there more than once,was with hubby 17 years,first love and all that crap!you will get over it,but not by going out with ex,he knows if he asks you will jump.start saying no and see what happens.

Kt8

hi all, i thought id sign up after lurking on here alot and felt moved by this thread and upset at parts as i see myself in you now...as i was a few years back. how your are feeling etc.
i have also been exactly where u are and it took me nearly 3 years feel normal again and over him. i was CONVINCED we were meant to be together and even when he was with a new gf it took me ahwhile, so there is no time limit on getting over someone. i had a great job, busy busy social life, lots of friends and family to keep me occupied aswell so it wasnt like i was alone and hung up on him, it really does take time for different people. in the 3 years however i went on dates, went out and enjoyed myself but initially when we broke up i just hung on for dear life, and alot of the things you have mentioned and are doing reminds me of that. hindsight is a wonderfull thing..i wish i had cut contact asap but at the time i just couldnt do it for fear id never hear from him again and i wanted to 'stay friends'...which...alot of the time cant happen as you obv still feel things and he is obv moving on and has been clear. however...i noticed in your posts earlier you have rang him eg when you got your job and to invite someone out to dinner (an ex) just really isnt going to happen as much as you wish it would be. that feeling of cant getting him out of your mind ..just incase.


its like clasping at straws and as you have mentioned its him calling the shots, ringing you when he thinks you might be slightly moving on, ringing you so you dont get a chance to start to move on...and that he 'knows you still have feelings for him' says it all really, he KNOWS. he is aware, and knows what he is playing at.

this happend to me also, and i swore blind at how much ppl were getting him wrong and 'didnt know him' however your judgement is clouded from heartache. now i know how he was keeping me at arms length but getting enough attention to just boost his ego abit,
now i see years on how much of a knob he actually was...and not a v.nice person who was moody and if he really did care he would have not acted that way. just as ur ex should leave u the hell alone now. i hope he has for you to rest abit

i really do hope ur ok....and you WILL get over it. i swore i never ever ever would (i thought about him every day and swore that would never go but it does) but i did...and i met someone out of the blue near 4 years on who has never raised his voice to me, never gets moody and never ever hurts me with words or wants to see me cry. HE is the love of my life and these experiences that happen are part of life and make us learn...and for us to meet the best ones who are yet to come.. these men do exist! and you will find him xxxx