How do I move on from a relationship break-up?

AlwaysWorking

Redman30 wrote: »

As a man reading this, I don't think he's manipulating you. He obviously still cares deeply for you but whatever it was which caused him to break up is still too much of an issue for him to try again with you.

Now, I don't know what that issue is or was (commitment seems likely), but I've experienced similar through my time - the only way I got over it was to distance myself from the other person completely and convince myself in my own mind that the relationship was over, that I wanted it to be over & there was no chance of ever going there again.

Before that we'd bounced in and out of being together for over a year after our first relationship ended, it was hell, at times I literally didn't know what to do or say, my head would pound on the inside. And I'd ended it, over a few little things which put together became too big to deal with. I still love her more than anyone else I've been with, but I also know it kills me to be with her and if I'd stayed with her I'd have ended up hating her. And she feels very similarly to me. It took a massive, honest heart-to-heart to break the chain.

I haven't seen her in 3 months now, 2 weeks ago was the first time in years where my first thought as I woke up wasn't about her. And last weekend I had an amazing night out and can honestly say she never crossed my mind once. Some people can have a massive effect on you, time and distance are the only things that help me get over that. And sometimes, a little vodka

And remember, it was me who ended that relationship, I was the bad guy. God knows how I'd have felt if she'd pulled the trigger on me. So I feel for you AW, not all us men are evil manipulative swines - but some of us have issues that we can't get past, rightly or wrongly, and it wouldn't be fair to you our ourselves if we stayed in relationships that highlighted those issues.

I imagine I'll get slaughtered for this post, but I wanted to share my thoughts as having done something similar.

I won't slaughter you...I think maybe you've hit the nail on the head. Much of what you have said sounds exactly like what he has said to me. I just wish he loved me enough to try harder to overcome whatever the 'issue' was. Like you said about your ex, he has told me recently that he never loved anyone else like this, even when he was married before.

jackieglasgow

Thanks for your lovely post, Redman, no slaughtering from here either, it's interesting to read a man's POV. My husband's opinion was, he doesn't want her, but he wants to be the first one to move on, not her, so that he doesn't think he's been left behind, or made the wrong decision ending it. HE thinks AW's ex is keeping her interested enough just to give him space to start a new relationship first. I think he's right, but I hope it's your experience that's the right one on this occasion.

Redman30

AlwaysWorking wrote: »

I won't slaughter you...I think maybe you've hit the nail on the head. Much of what you have said sounds exactly like what he has said to me. I just wish he loved me enough to try harder to overcome whatever the 'issue' was. Like you said about your ex, he has told me recently that he never loved anyone else like this, even when he was married before.

Thanks AW, Jackie and Brighton, much appreciated. Believe me, I couldn't have loved her any more, I never felt that intensely before, and I've had quite a few long term lasses including a 7 year living together one. I was only with her for a year, and a year of on/off and a year+ getting over it. Nothing felt like she made me feel, and when we split we both said we'd never feel anything as strongly as that. However, I'm still convinced we could never have gotten over the issues, despite a hell of a lot of compromise on both sides.
The good thing is I can talk (type?) about this now without being a wreck. And like your ex, I would never have hurt her and never will, I went out my way to back down, compromise, apologise and be there for her when we split - frankly she made me a better person, and I'll never forget that she deserves my respect.

AW, on the one hand, I hope he sees the light and realises what he's lost.
On the other, I'd advise cutting all physical contact, even phone/texts and focusing your mind on not wanting to be with him. If you just break contact for a while, and don't respond when he contacts you'll see which way he goes - but that has the danger of you hanging on to a dream that may not happen, and that'll just drag it out more.

Souk08

Hi AW, I'm sure he is a lovely guy but you don't want the same things hon so that's it over and the best thing you can do is realise that and do exactly what you're doing ie new job and seeing friends. To be completely honest...he MIGHT decide he wants you back and he might not but you have 1 life to live and can't sit around waiting for him to decide what he wants. You obviously want to get married and have a family and need to find someone who wants the same at some point.

You are doing really well lady and this WILL all get easier.

Redman a mans POV is always interesting. I think some people are just better at being single than being in a couple. I know I am!

maggied_2

jackieglasgow wrote: »

Thanks for your lovely post, Redman, no slaughtering from here either, it's interesting to read a man's POV. My husband's opinion was, he doesn't want her, but he wants to be the first one to move on, not her, so that he doesn't think he's been left behind, or made the wrong decision ending it. HE thinks AW's ex is keeping her interested enough just to give him space to start a new relationship first. I think he's right, but I hope it's your experience that's the right one on this occasion.

This^^^^^^^

Couldn't put it better myself.... been there, done that, got the t-shirt plus hat, 3 piece suit..etc.

At this precise moment I believe he doesn't want to be with you (and I'm so sorry if that stings) but he doesn't want you to move on without him until he's on his feet. I speak from experience.

Can I offer a word of warning? This happened with my XH. We officially split up but then he got back in touch and we spent a bit of time together - not much but went to some friends' parties and had each other over for tea (how twee!). I stupidly didn't notice it was at his instigation until I suggested something we could do with my friends - all I got back was a mumbled..."yeah well we don't know what's going to be happening then so best not eh?" - it was the sharpest slap in the face but from that moment I didn't contact him again.

Funnily enough that then allowed me to get on with my life and guess what....there he was again. However I didn't let him back in and not long after I met my now OH.

I don't believe he did this maliciously but it wasn't until I broke the cycle that we both moved on with our lives.

GemmaB78

AW - I've just sat and read this through a curtain of tears. My OH and I finished back in March. He finished things with me. I wanted to see if we could work things out; he wanted space and time on his own for a while. I still love him and I know that I would be back like a shot if he asked me to try again.

Things are getting easier but it really is one day at a time. One thing that I'm finding useful (and might help you) is to remind myself that I'm not just an (ex) girlfriend. I have so many other roles in life. I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend, the slave to two fabulous horses, an employee, a colleague. So I am trying to focus my attention on working on those relationships as that seems to be stopping me obsessing on what went wrong with the ex.

AlwaysWorking

Jackie you were right when you said I've moved onto the acceptance stage. I realise that nothing short of a miracle will bring him back. And Redman I know you are right, that I need to cut all contact...again. We seem to manage a few days and then one of us breaks. It's just that even though I accept it, and to others I seem better because I'm not crying as much, inside I feel broken and empty. I would say I feel as depressed as ever...I can't break contact as I feel that's the only thing that keeps me going. If scraps off the table are all I can have, well I'll accept that and make the most of it.

There isn't a minute of the day that I'm not thinking of him, missing him. Even seeing couples in love is enough to make me cry. I wish I could be strong and move on, but my life seems so pointless and empty without him...all I do is work and sleep. I have no life. If this is all I have to look forward to.....

maggied_2

AlwaysWorking wrote: »

Jackie you were right when you said I've moved onto the acceptance stage. I realise that nothing short of a miracle will bring him back. And Redman I know you are right, that I need to cut all contact...again. We seem to manage a few days and then one of us breaks. It's just that even though I accept it, and to others I seem better because I'm not crying as much, inside I feel broken and empty. I would say I feel as depressed as ever...I can't break contact as I feel that's the only thing that keeps me going. If scraps off the table are all I can have, well I'll accept that and make the most of it.

There isn't a minute of the day that I'm not thinking of him, missing him. Even seeing couples in love is enough to make me cry. I wish I could be strong and move on, but my life seems so pointless and empty without him...all I do is work and sleep. I have no life. If this is all I have to look forward to.....

AW - I really feel for your. I've been there and I'll bet evereyone else here has too.

However - the contact isn't keeping you going - it's prolonging your pain. Scraps off the table? Do you really think that little of yourself?

You ARE strong - you got a new job while you were going through this - that's fantastic! And you will move on - but I promise you it will not be while you're in touch.

You've got to be the one to do this - text him and say you don't want anymore contact. Then delete him, is family and friends that are really his from your phone. Delete him from your facebook. And your email and any other method of communication.

If you don't then you'll continue getting scraps from the table until he moves on - either by being in the right place mentally or because he's met someone else. Awful thought I know - but it'll be so much more awful when you're still hanging on.


You've got lots to look forward to - it'll just be a little different - promise

Stephb1986_2

You really do need to stop contact with him change your number delete him off your facebook and put yours on the highest privacy setting block him from your email contacts too. Because while your not doing this he will keep contacting you when you need time to grieve over things. Things will get better it just takes time you deserve so much more than what he is offering it's just not the right time for you to find that right now. Do you not have any close friends you can talk to or have a girly night with?

Things aren't too great with my relationship at the moment a row I had with my OH's sister back in April is still causing problems between us because I feel that he's being snide about things and I hate people being snide it really does me. Like last night it was his sisters birthday yesterday and he said he was going dropping her card round I asked what he had got her because she put £10 in a card for his and I thought it was only fair she got that in return she gets 3 times that amount atleast because she has 3 kids. Anyway he said he was going dropping her card round he didn't txt me or anything for 3 and a half hours!!! In the end I thought sod you I'm not going to reply to you for 3 and a half hours and see how you like it. He txt me 4 times in the 3 hours and I didn't reply. When I did he asked what had i been doing all night I said i'd been watching tv lol

Steph xx

AlwaysWorking

Thanks ladies. It's nearly four months on and I'm sat at my desk in work crying...I PROMISED myself I wouldn't do this in my new job. I just feel like such a failure. I've a chest infection and am coughing until I'm sick... I just feel so run down, emotional and fed up. I know I need to cut down my working hours...how junior doctors keep up this 70+ hours a week I will never know!! I'm managing...but only just!:o But if I'm not working, what will I do with myself?! All my 'friends' are really just acqaintances now if I'm honest...they have husbands and children and their own lives.

The ex sent me a text asking how I am. I said I was a bit run down and my mum was trying to talk me into taking the weekend off work and resting. We were supposed to be going to an outdoor concert tomorrow, he bought the tickets when we were together...I guess I was hoping he would invite me along (there are others going) as I would LOVE a day out, having fun and relaxing. I would have bought the ticket off him, or bought my own gladly, but he doesn't want me to go. I feel as though he is happy to see me privately, but doesn't want to be seen in public with me. He said that's nonsense and it's just awkward as he knows I want more....I said there's gonna be 40,000 people there so he doesn't need to worry about me raping him! I said I wouldn't contact him again and he said I was being over sensitive as I'm sick and that he wants me to phone him when I'm on my lunch break...but I've now deleted all his texts and his number so I can't. There really is no point, is there?

Sorry, gotta go, the water works have started again and I'm afraid of someone walking in and seeing me...