How do I move on from a relationship break-up?

tubbee2

Hi there Always Working

I've read your thread and can't just leave it at that, although I'm not really a poster more a reader!

It's hard to break up - the more often you go back the harder its going to be - its just like picking at a scab and the sooner you stop picking the smaller the scar you'll be left with.

You are ill - your body wants you to stop and get better and you MUST take the time off and go to bed and be ill. Tell your manager that you are feeling dreadful and don't want to infect everyone else, go back to your mums, tell her how dreadful you feel and GO TO BED AND BE ILL. You can cry as much as you want and sleep as much as you can and while you feel like this turn off every single electronic communication device you possess and if you must keep replaying in your head the scenario that will stop you feeling like you do right now write down what you want to say on a piece of paper with a pen and keep it somewhere. It is not for anyone but you to read.

As one of the earlier posters has said you are worth so much more than scraps off his table, but unless you begin to value yourself by treating yourself properly you will continue to be undervalued. You obviously put a lot of effort into your home and you love it, put some effort into yourself and start loving yourself.

(I'm probably a lot older than you, not necessarily wiser but I have been in your position and am here to tell the tale, sense of humour intact and I feel so sorry for the state) You will get over him - time heals but that doesn't help at the moment. Just get well and start loving yourself.
TB2

Stephb1986_2

Massive massive hugs I wish I lived closer to you I would be your friend and not just an aqaintance

Maybe you should take the weekend off relax and pamper yourself or just stay in bed and watch lame films with tons of ice cream thats good for a bad chest I've had a bad chest for a few weeks now can't shake it but got use to it now Maybe you should go to a book shop and buy a book on self esteem and building your confidence back up. You need a massive bar of chocolate and a bottle of wine and getting in the bath.

Try emailing some of your aqaintances and see what they are up to this weekend if they are having a bbq you could always pop round for a hour. You need to focus on getting yourself better and looking after yourself properly.

There is no point what so ever contacting him he want's his cake and to eat it (if thats what they say??) find something better to do than this stupid concert plus with you not being so well it's probably not a good idea

Your not a faliure ok you have been so strong so far you can do this!!! Blimey I can't even get a job let alone pass the interview lol. So you will be a bit run down and emotional it's a big thing your going through right now. If your not working you can sunbathe and have a bbq in this gorgeous weather we're having at the moment!!

I wish there was something more I could do to help I feel like a friend thats let you down

My day is just getting sh itter and shi tter my OH txt me before asking if I was working tonight (Technically I have a job but not) my mum runs her own business I said not sure why. So he said he was having tea at his mums tonight and if I was working do I want her to plate some up for me (after this row with his sister I think not!) I'm so upset I know it sounds daft but I see him from friday night till sunday night and one of them nights he's decided to see his mum!! He can't even be bothered to have tea with me so I would just be going his house to sleep.

I hope your ok love

Steph xx

Redman30

Cutting all contact is great and very necessary, but like others have said you need to find some time to yourself to work this through in your own mind. You just haven't let yourself have that so far with working so many hours.

You need to remind yourself that you've cried those tears before, that you've had that emotion and accepted it, and that it serves no purpose to revisit it. You're getting better and stronger lass, you'll get even stronger if you give yourself a chance to.

You'll find that if you give yourself a little 'me' time (and yes for part of that you'll likely be raging or wailing but that's all good, really it is) the rawness of the emotion will lose it's edge. I don't know your friend situation (aquiantances or not, they may have need of a friend too) but hopefully there's someone to go for a drink with or a meal etc, just to take you out of your normal environment and distract your mind a little! If not then it's a course or evening class, something like pottery where you don't need to think much but can meet a new group, again getting you away from your norm, something like that.

But you really need to drop that second job, or cut it down to twice a week if you can afford it, you're in limbo at the moment so no wonder you don't feel so good. All the best lass, you'll get through this, and you'll be so much better for it

maggied_2

AlwaysWorking wrote: »

Thanks ladies. It's nearly four months on and I'm sat at my desk in work crying...I PROMISED myself I wouldn't do this in my new job. I just feel like such a failure. I've a chest infection and am coughing until I'm sick... I just feel so run down, emotional and fed up. I know I need to cut down my working hours...how junior doctors keep up this 70+ hours a week I will never know!! I'm managing...but only just!:o But if I'm not working, what will I do with myself?! All my 'friends' are really just acqaintances now if I'm honest...they have husbands and children and their own lives.

The ex sent me a text asking how I am. I said I was a bit run down and my mum was trying to talk me into taking the weekend off work and resting. We were supposed to be going to an outdoor concert tomorrow, he bought the tickets when we were together...I guess I was hoping he would invite me along (there are others going) as I would LOVE a day out, having fun and relaxing. I would have bought the ticket off him, or bought my own gladly, but he doesn't want me to go. I feel as though he is happy to see me privately, but doesn't want to be seen in public with me. He said that's nonsense and it's just awkward as he knows I want more....I said there's gonna be 40,000 people there so he doesn't need to worry about me raping him! I said I wouldn't contact him again and he said I was being over sensitive as I'm sick and that he wants me to phone him when I'm on my lunch break...but I've now deleted all his texts and his number so I can't. There really is no point, is there?

Sorry, gotta go, the water works have started again and I'm afraid of someone walking in and seeing me...

Ouch......I can understand why this has upset you - and if you read my earlier post that's what my ex did to me. He's calling all the shots and to be honest, you're letting him.

You need to see this for the wake up call that it is.

Don't let him play with you like this - you're worth more than that. I'm not saying he's not a nice person - I'm sure that he is. But he IS making this painful and he's treating you like a mug - I don't think he wants to hurt you but I think if you carry on being this clingy and needy it's going to have a bad ending for you.

You need to create some time for yourself - what's the situation with your house? How much more does the job pay? Can you reduce the hours in your second job at all? I really recommend the advice about evening class or something. What are you into? My local council gym runs a jogging group a few nights a week. No idea if you're into exercise but it gets rid of the nervous energy, will improve your health and your sense of wellbeing.

Get yourself back out there - I know people dislike facebook but are you on there? If so wipe him, change your status to single and start to be active - I got back in touch with a few girls a went to primary school with a few years ago through facebook - I don't know what I'd do without one of them now!

Is there anyone at work you could suggest going for a drink / bite to eat / coffee with? I did a bit of this it was at least a trip to town meaning I had to clamber off the couch and make myself look half decent - it takes up a day and I came home feeling like I'd 'done' something.

Don't get me wrong, there was also plenty of weeping and gnashing inbetween (I think my local shop had to increase its meagre stock of wine) but baby steps got me there in the end.

Didn't you say the house needs some work? Throw yourself into a project. I re-did my bathroom (the excitement never stops round my house!) but it involved going to all the different shops, picking the bits and pieces out doing some stuff myself - took up loads of time and was just a different focus.

Hmm..what else? I deleted all the stuff he liked or that reminded me off my Ipod and put loads of new stuff on it.
I accepted every invitation going (reluctantly I have to say...and I left some of them early) - those acquaintances might be gagging for a night out! Drop them a line.

I'm not saying all this as though it's the magical answer. I remember all too well the lurching feeling of waking up each morning and remembering what had happened; going to call him or text him if I saw something I know he'd find funny and realise I couldn't; despising every b*stard couple out there and not even really wanting to spend time with anyone who had a partner because it was just too painful to acknowledge.

Thing is - as much as it doesn't seem that way - it doesn't last forever. Bit by bit you'll start to feel better - it's not nice but you've got us here to support you.

C xxx

hieveryone

AW, sorry to hear that you are still feeling rotten.

I'm sorry to do this, but I needed someone to do it to me. It's been 4 months since you broke up. You NEED to stop this self pitying and wallowing now. You've had your time to do it, and he is only prolonging your pain.

It it NOT healthy to still be crying and getting upset at this stage, and the reason it is still happening is because he is still in contact. Get RID of him, it will be the best thing you can do for yourself. You are like a puppy dog, waiting on him getting in contact - do you really have such low self esteem?

Really AW, we are all sympathetic we really are, and so will your friends be, but there comes a point where you need to give yourself a shake, dust yourself down and get on with it.

As I said, I don't mean this to sound harsh, but you can't do this to yourself any longer, it is not healthy for you.

Chin up .

x

Bubby

AlwaysWorking wrote: »

The ex sent me a text asking how I am. I said I was a bit run down and my mum was trying to talk me into taking the weekend off work and resting. We were supposed to be going to an outdoor concert tomorrow, he bought the tickets when we were together...I guess I was hoping he would invite me along (there are others going) as I would LOVE a day out, having fun and relaxing. I would have bought the ticket off him, or bought my own gladly, but he doesn't want me to go. I feel as though he is happy to see me privately, but doesn't want to be seen in public with me. He said that's nonsense and it's just awkward as he knows I want more....I said there's gonna be 40,000 people there so he doesn't need to worry about me raping him! I said I wouldn't contact him again and he said I was being over sensitive as I'm sick and that he wants me to phone him when I'm on my lunch break...but I've now deleted all his texts and his number so I can't. There really is no point, is there?

Sorry, gotta go, the water works have started again and I'm afraid of someone walking in and seeing me...

Oh no:(:(, he has very clearly moved on he wants to make it obvious when he is out that he is single and available to meet someone new. I am trying to be cruel to be kind, it is 4 months and because of the continued contact you haven't allowed yourself to move on and heal.

As Maggied has said I would accept every invitation even when you don't want to because faking having a good time will be hard at first but eventually you will realise one day that you are no longer faking it. I don't care what sort of man he is (and I will be honest and say to me he sounds not so nice) but he is stringing you along and it is stopping you from moving on.

Can you take a few days off? Tell yourself you are going to allow yourself to cry and wallow etc for those few days only, get the wine, choccies and do your nails hair etc (anything to relax) then after those days you will NOT allow yourself to look backwards only forwards. You can be as sad and soppy as you like in those few days but those days only.

maggied_2

Oh Blimey I'd missed the part about it being 4 months. Having read back through it's going to be 5 months soon. AW - you'll have wasted nearly half a year of your life on someone who doesn't to be with you anymore.
It's over my love - you have got to work out a way of moving on. You've had some very good advice here and you need to take it before you drive yourself insane.

It's so much harder when it's you that's let down but you have got to discover some self respect. Please read back over what happened when you tried to come along to that concert with him - I'll be honest, I'm cringeing for you. And soon you'll be cringeing too.

Souk08

OMG AW, I wanted to say something like this (above) and started to write it last night bus stopped because I thought i might be being a bit harsh. I'm not though am I and neither are either of the other girls. It's time to create a new life for yourself and get out there. Ask accquantancies, friends etc out/round for coffee and drinks, do what you fancy and learn to love being on your own. You don't need his 'scraps', you need to move on and love what you have. Ask yourself this, if a friend had told you 5 months ago that they didn't want to see you anymore, would you have hung around them waiting for a sign....Take care X

Kay_Peel

How long have you been hoping to tag along to the outdoor concert with him?

Did your weeping episode and feeling run down coincide with the realisation that you weren't going to be invited?

Did you plan to give him a guilt trip by saying that you were feeling run down and that you needed to have a day out? Did you realise how disingenuous you must have sounded when you (unconvincingly) said that you just wanted a restful break and nothing more.

If you wanted to go to the concert you could have done - you could have bought a ticket weeks ago. The truth is that you wanted to be with him - and he cottoned on to your needy clingingness.

Despite all your empty promises to cut contact, you continue to pursue him. You haven't really faced the facts yet, I think.

Sharlee

Kay_Peel wrote: »

How long have you been hoping to tag along to the outdoor concert with him?

Did your weeping episode and feeling run down coincide with the realisation that you weren't going to be invited?

Did you plan to give him a guilt trip by saying that you were feeling run down and that you needed to have a day out? Did you realise how disingenuous you must have sounded when you (unconvincingly) said that you just wanted a restful break and nothing more.

If you wanted to go to the concert you could have done - you could have bought a ticket weeks ago. The truth is that you wanted to be with him - and he cottoned on to your needy clingingness.

Despite all your empty promises to cut contact, you continue to pursue him. You haven't really faced the facts yet, I think.

Blimey Kay Peel, you so wise! All I can say is where were you ten years ago when I needed to be told.

But now looking back, that break up was the spur I needed, I made an effort and learnt so much that I wouldn't have done otherwise.

In karmic terms, it is said that those who hurt us the most are the ones that love us the most because they are here to deliver the lessons that we need to learn in this lifetime.

One day you may be grateful for this experience, but for now CUT THE CONTACT.

Regards