How do I move on from a relationship break-up?

hieveryone

Hi AW, just bumping up for you - I've been in agony with stupid wisdom teeth so not been around much - congrats on the new job! x

maggied_2

Hi AW -HUGE congratulations on your new job - it can't have been easy focussing on that when you have so much else going on.

This is the pefect first step towards owning your life again. As has been said before, the best way to reclaim your life is to make positive changes and to get a new job in the midst of what you're going through is amazing; give yourself a huge pat on the back.

It is a bit disappointing that you contacted your ex and I think he has let you down gently, so fair play to him. You need to move onwards and upwards and away-from-him-wards.

Much love C x

prestonblue

Just found this thread and have read it from start to finish great to see you are moving in the right direction new job new life :j
Just wanted to share these words with you i find them so true and uplifting take care the only way is up Boyd

[FONT=&quot] Moving Thoughts[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] * Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] * When the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don’t see the one which has been opened for us.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] * The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you’ve ever had.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] * It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] * Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they’ll love you back! Don’t expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart but if it doesn’t, be content it grew in yours.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] * It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] * Don’t go for looks; they can deceive. Don’t go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] * There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real![/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] * Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] * May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] * Always put yourself in others’ shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person, too.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] * The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] * Happiness lives for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] * Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] * The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can’t go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] * When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you’re the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying. [/FONT]

hieveryone

Hi AW, how are you?

AlwaysWorking

:wave: Hello ladies! I'm sorry I've not been in touch, things have been so hectic! I hope you are all keeping well?

I finished the old job and started the new one. I LOVE it! The people are sooo lovely, the work is interesting and, best of all, no one shouts at me!!! :rotfl:It feels so lovely to have people ask my opinion on things work related and actually listen to me! It makes it soo much easier to get up in the morning!

Apart from that I have been doing my usual silly number of hours in my second job...this week I'm doing 33.5 hours, last week 32 hours and the week before 35 hours...daft, I know, but keeping busy stops me from crying...I'm too exhausted to be bothered!! It means I've been able to keep on top of the bills and pay little bits off my credit cards etc. It could be the reason I have a chest infection and tonsilitous as well though...:o

I've taken everyone's advice and booked a flight to see my best friend in Surrey! I'm going for a long weekend next month and we're both so excited! It should be a good laugh and something to look forward to. She has also just split from her partner so we'll have a couple of nights to get the chocolate and wine in and have 'we hate men' vents!! :rotfl:

As for things with the ex. I don't know where to start. At his request we had a lovely afternoon together just after I finished my old job. We went for a walk and a chat in the sunshine and it was lovely. He then phoned me to suggest going out for a walk and dinner another night, which I thought went perfectly. I was having a fantastic time until he mentioned that he had been on a couple of dates with a girl (3rd one in 3 months). I'm the type of person that when I'm upset I just want to be alone to lick my wounds. Rightly or wrongly that is how I felt when he told me, so I left (we'd finished dinner) and went home. He tried to get me to stay to talk, but I couldn't.

I'm ashamed to admit that when he later texted I sent some nasty ones back...I was just so hurt and couldn't understand why he'd kissed me and held my hand earlier if he now has a girlfriend. He said he doesn't, he'd just met her a couple of times and then he said something he's said before: 'she isn't you'. But surely that's a good thing, he doesn't want me?!

The next day he emailed to say that the only reason he had mentioned her was to be completely honest with me as he had wanted us to try again...but given how I had reacted, he no longer thought it was a good idea. I was crushed. I told him not to contact me for a while, which he agreed to do. He then tried phoning and texting me a few times over the next few days and I ignored them. On Saturday he texted asking if I wanted to come see his new house (it completed last week). I agreed and called in on my way to work...I then spent part of yesterday with him as well. In my heart I know it's over...but neither of us seem to be able to let go. We get on so well and the spark is still there...but he doesn't want to try again. He admits our 'dates' have been better than they ever were and that if it was the start of a relationship he would fall head over heels in love with me. I can only assume it's a fear of committment that prevents him from trying again....

I hope everyone else's lives are a lot less complicated at the minute!!!!

shell_girl

Congratulations on the new job- really pleased it's going well.

Sorry your ex is still able to manipulate you so easily though. He's giving you just enough crumbs from his table to make sure you can't move on. I bet your self confidence went through the floor when he said all those things to you (don't worry- it was supposed to. I think that getting a great new job may have cheered you up a bit and made you look to the future a bit- and he can't have that can he?)

Have you told him that you're going away for a long weekend? I bet he suddenly needs to see you that weekend, or feels that there 'might' be a chance that he 'might' want you back, as long as you see him that particular weekend...

jackieglasgow

So glad that you've come back to us. I didn't post for fear of chasing you away completely. Really pleased that your new job is going so well Just what you need.

Unfortunately, I agree with everything shell_girl says. He's manipulating you. But you know what? I think you sound great, and have started to move into your acceptance phase. I still want to tell you not to contact him or see him, but at the end of the day it's your life. Just remember that relationships go wrong for a reason, and the reason yours went wrong is because he's an idiot. He hasn't suddenly grown up or become a different man, so even if you got back together, it would still fail. But I think you are beginning to see that yourself, which is fantastic. Have you moved home, yet?

AlwaysWorking

Do you honestly think he is manipulating me? I genuinely can't see it...perhaps I'm not explaining things correctly? He's genuinely a lovely person, one of the nicest people I've ever met and it would kill him if he thought he was ever hurting someone needlessly. He worries an awful lot about other people's feelings and has never ended a relationship before...except with me.

I think he's just confused, that maybe the idea of getting married and 'forever' was too much for him. I don't think he'll come back to me...he genuinely thinks this is for the best, even though we get along so well when we're together. He said he thinks we argue too much, but what he calls 'fights', I would call 'disagreements', something I think are perfectly natural...surely people can't agree all of the time?!

I know that I sound a bit better. The job is largely responsible for this. But I also feel like I'm going through the motions. I leave for work around 8.15am and I'm not home from my 2nd job to around 10.30pm so all I do is sleep before it all starts again...I'm not actually living.

I got an invitation to a wedding last week....it's four months off, but already I want to decline. I'm invited on my own and the only people I know are the bride and her sister...added to which I think a wedding, seeing a happy couple take their vows, would upset me an awful lot...even if it is quite a bit away.

I hope everyone is having a lovely day and enjoying the sunshine!!

Redman30

AlwaysWorking wrote: »

Do you honestly think he is manipulating me? I genuinely can't see it...perhaps I'm not explaining things correctly? He's genuinely a lovely person, one of the nicest people I've ever met and it would kill him if he thought he was ever hurting someone needlessly. He worries an awful lot about other people's feelings and has never ended a relationship before...except with me.

I think he's just confused, that maybe the idea of getting married and 'forever' was too much for him. I don't think he'll come back to me...he genuinely thinks this is for the best, even though we get along so well when we're together. He said he thinks we argue too much, but what he calls 'fights', I would call 'disagreements', something I think are perfectly natural...surely people can't agree all of the time?!

I know that I sound a bit better. The job is largely responsible for this. But I also feel like I'm going through the motions. I leave for work around 8.15am and I'm not home from my 2nd job to around 10.30pm so all I do is sleep before it all starts again...I'm not actually living.

I got an invitation to a wedding last week....it's four months off, but already I want to decline. I'm invited on my own and the only people I know are the bride and her sister...added to which I think a wedding, seeing a happy couple take their vows, would upset me an awful lot...even if it is quite a bit away.

I hope everyone is having a lovely day and enjoying the sunshine!!

As a man reading this, I don't think he's manipulating you. He obviously still cares deeply for you but whatever it was which caused him to break up is still too much of an issue for him to try again with you.

Now, I don't know what that issue is or was (commitment seems likely), but I've experienced similar through my time - the only way I got over it was to distance myself from the other person completely and convince myself in my own mind that the relationship was over, that I wanted it to be over & there was no chance of ever going there again.

Before that we'd bounced in and out of being together for over a year after our first relationship ended, it was hell, at times I literally didn't know what to do or say, my head would pound on the inside. And I'd ended it, over a few little things which put together became too big to deal with. I still love her more than anyone else I've been with, but I also know it kills me to be with her and if I'd stayed with her I'd have ended up hating her. And she feels very similarly to me. It took a massive, honest heart-to-heart to break the chain.

I haven't seen her in 3 months now, 2 weeks ago was the first time in years where my first thought as I woke up wasn't about her. And last weekend I had an amazing night out and can honestly say she never crossed my mind once. Some people can have a massive effect on you, time and distance are the only things that help me get over that. And sometimes, a little vodka

And remember, it was me who ended that relationship, I was the bad guy. God knows how I'd have felt if she'd pulled the trigger on me. So I feel for you AW, not all us men are evil manipulative swines - but some of us have issues that we can't get past, rightly or wrongly, and it wouldn't be fair to you our ourselves if we stayed in relationships that highlighted those issues.

I imagine I'll get slaughtered for this post, but I wanted to share my thoughts as having done something similar.

Brighton_belle

I hope you're not slaughtered for it Redman - I found it helpful and insightful, so thanks for posting.

OP - look after yourself and decline the wedding invite. From my experience, in your circs, it is very painful and it doesn't make you any less nice a person to sincerely wish them well from afar.