How do I move on from a relationship break-up?

AlwaysWorking

Hi guys. I'm sorry for such a depressing (and long!) thread, but I really need your advice. As I've mentioned in previous posts, my boyfriend of two years proposed in December. I was the happiest I have been in my entire life. Then in February, six days after we booked our wedding venue, he said he didn't see a future for us and moved out.

It's now three months down the line and I'm honestly no better than I was the day he left...if anything I'm worse as I now know there is no hope. I'm extremely depressed, on anti depressants and attending a counsellor, but nothing seems to help. I'm staying at my mum's as I can't bear to stay in the house we shared. I cry getting ready for work, I cry on the way to work, in work, in the car on the way home from work...you get the idea!

I feel extremely guilty about the stress and worry I am putting my family and ex fiance through. I know they are worried sick I will hurt myself and they keep telling me that I need to move on, that at 32 I've plenty of time to meet someone else and have a family etc etc....but I can't 'pull myself together' like they all say I have to. I feel like I have nothing left to live for...I'm sorry if that seems dramatic, it's not meant to be. I was made redundant from a job I loved at the start of last year and I now work for a horrible company where they constantly shout at the staff and belittle them. They've told me they have no faith in my ability to do my job and that I'm useless...so I have no confidence left and there seems sto be so few jobs I'm stuck here. The pay is substantially lower than my previous job and I'm struggling to hold onto my house...only managing it by working around 25 hours a week at a second job. Everyone says I should sell it, but due to house prices falling so much here in Northern Ireland I would have no equity to start again...and my salary is so low I probably wouldn't get another mortgage. In any case, I love my house and having to pay the mortgage is the ONLY thing that gets me out of bed in the morning. How sad is that...:o

I feel like my life is one giant mess and I just don't have the energy to sort everything out. Until my fiance left I didn't care about the rubbish job or having to work so hard to pay the bills...but when everything is added together I just want to give up. I don't really have any friends anymore - they're all married and have babies so my poor mum and ex fiance have been carrying the brunt of my depression and tears, which I know is selfish of me and unfair on them.

So, clever people, how do I pick myself up and move on? I know he isn't coming back and I know that doing anything 'silly' will kill my mum...so I desperately need to turn my life around....all ideas gratefully received!

Jo_R_2

Do I sense a certain dependence on the ex even though he is the ex? How has that come about?

I suspect that in many ways is holding you back from moving on, if he's helping you over the break-up... with him. You need to do it without him there on the scene, whether it's because he feels responsible for your unhappiness, or because you're leaning on him and he doesn't know what else to do.

What is your relationship with your ex as it stands now?

jackieglasgow

Why don't you think about doing something you wish you'd done when you were twenty? You know the kind of thing, travel to Europe, the World, go work in a bar in spain, learn to paint, knit. IS there a chance you could let your house for say, six months or a year, and move away? I'm not normally one for saying run away from your problems, but your problem is that you are still in love with someone who doesn't want you, so you need some sort of distraction therapy.

You could even just cross the water for six months and get a job in Glasgow, Manchester, somewhere like that, even if it's just bar work, and a small bedsit, but you'd be changing your life, and be away from all the familiar things which remind you of that relationship. As you said, your job is crap with poor prospects, so you don't need it to climb the career ladder.

Alternatively, save like mad and get on the OS board to find extra ways of saving money, and book yourself a singles holiday, painting in tuscany, or cooking in the South of France. Spoil yourself, and meet people you wouldn't normally meet, rediscover all the nice things about yourself, and working towards it would give you some sense of direction.

That's what I'd do if my OH bugered off and I didn't have kids to worry about.

deedee71

As you're already staying with your mum, why don't you rent out your house for a wee while. It will ease you financial pressures and give you a 6 month window to get other things on track.

Working Ft plus 25 hours is very draining - I've done it myself. You're grieving so give yourself a break, treat yourself better and you'll get through.

BlondeHeadOn

I agree with jackieglasgow, you need a complete change of scene - it sounds so dreadful for you at the moment. That said, it's probably a bad time to make big decisions like jacking in your job(s) and moving country, so maybe a smaller break would be a better place to start.

Are you due any holiday? Could you book yourself a week or a fortnight somehwhere warm and sunny, with a fun activity? The mention of a painting holiday in Tuscany is a good idea, I did something similar once when I had just gone through a bad break-up and wanted a change - it was great fun!

Renting your house out short-term also sounds like a good idea, or maybe getting a lodger in if you don't want to go down the full tennancy route. As you are spending so much time at your mums at the moment this could work well in the short term, and give you a bit of extra cash as well.

I'm sure there'll be lost of other good ideas, but hugs to you, and keep posting here, even if only to let off a bit of steam!

Best Wishes.

Fuzzy_Duck

The fact you still speak to your ex might be making it more difficult with you. I'm not saying cut all ties as it sounds like he is a good friend, but as it is so raw still he will surely understand if you don't want to speak to him until you are feeling better.

As hard as it is I think the best thing is to get out there and make some new friends- sign up to some activities you think you'll enjoy. As the very least it will give you something to look forward to. Being busy and having fun with it will make things a little easier.

You say you know you won't be getting back together with your ex, and it sounds like you do want to be in a relationship, get married and have children like your friends. I know you need time to grieve for your former relationship, but starting dating again might be a good idea. You could sign up to some agencies (there's plenty of decent free ones). Even if you don't meet anyone you like straight away, you can have some fun with it and maybe meet some new friends to go out with in future.

Remember you're not alone, and we'll be here to listen when you're feeling low. I'm sure there will be others along shortly or will have been there and changed their life around You can too! Love and hugs.

jcr16

it is very hard moving on from an ex , there no denying it. and it not always easy even when your strong .

but my best advice ( had far to many ex before i got married however ony 1 long term) you need to fill your time with things so you don't have time to think about it. gradually as the hours/days go past your think less and less about your ex and it will get to a point when a week or more has past and you haven't even realised you've not through about them.

i think the idea of rentingyour home out sounds excellent because it will give you a break from the constant reminders of your ex. perhaps you need to havea really long good cry with a friend say everything thats going through your mind and then say . ' right thats it, no more tears and leave it at that'. sounds hard and silly but i found it worked well for me. was kind alike i was drawing a line under it and that was that. i could then move on and if i felt like i was welling up. i'd take a deep breath and think of something else.

hugs to you tho hun because it won't be easy but you wll get there.

AlwaysWorking

Jo_R wrote: »

Do I sense a certain dependence on the ex even though he is the ex? How has that come about?

I suspect that in many ways is holding you back from moving on, if he's helping you over the break-up... with him. You need to do it without him there on the scene, whether it's because he feels responsible for your unhappiness, or because you're leaning on him and he doesn't know what else to do.

What is your relationship with your ex as it stands now?

I'm sure you are right. My mum says I need to stop all contact with him. He still phones and texts me, but if I'm being honest, it is probably only because he feels guilty..and not because he loves me. He'd asked me out for dinner/the movies a few times over the last couple of weeks. We had a great time and I really thought there was hope...but I think it was just that he's a truely lovely man and thought that getting me out would help me. He would never lead me on, he's too honest for playing games.

Redman30

You're working in a job you hate, with people who sound awful, you have to do another job to pay the bills, your fiance left you but isn't man enough to back off / sever and let you grieve. No wonder you can't move on, it might have been a few months, but you've not had any time to yourself to sit and reflect lass.

A holiday would be best, but that's hard to do on your own, failing that a week off work and just do something different to normal.

I know where you are right now, as I'm still not completely over my ex. Funnily enough, it wasn't the lass I lived with for 7 years, but the one I got together with for a year or so, that absolutely killed me on the split. It's been a little over a year now, I've made a massive effort to stay friends with her, but I'm also aware that by doing that I've effectively dragged out my feelings for her and prolongued this whole business.

I think the whole 'single in your thirties' is a bit of a killer too, there's all sorts of conditioning from TV, mags, even friends that make it seem like the worst thing ever. I'm 35, and know this only too well lol. And talking of friends, they're hard to come by at this age too. Most of them settle down and lose contact or drift off, there's not too many single ones about to go out with etc.

!!!!!!, I'm depressing myself here Not sure where I'm going with this really, but in your position your reaction is fully understandable. You really need to find a way to take a step back from all your day-to-day nonsense and reflect. Stay strong, have a personal mantra that describes how you want to be, a sentance or something, nothing more - you can repeat this in your head when you're feeling low just to remind yourself.

Most of all, good luck - it'll all work out lass

SandC

The best thing you can do right now is stop all contact with your ex. Believe me when I say it is hampering your 'recovery' having him around.

Can I direct you to search for a forum called soyouvebeendumped. There are many people in the same boat as you.

I've been through it myself, I have no idea why that particular break up affected me so badly. Really the only thing that helped was time and space. Take every day as it comes. 3 months is no time so don't beat yourself up about it.

puffinmuffin

I agree with the suggestion of renting out your place if possible, detach yourself from it slightly. Maybe in six months time the market might improve enough for you to sell. You can't be helping your emotional state by working all hours just to pay the mortgage. This must mean you have no time or energy for a social life!
I split with my bf of 5 years 3 years ago (i was 29) We owned a house, he bought my share and my first thought was that i had to buy another place, stay on the ladder. In the end i didn't, i moved into a shared place and met loads of new people, never did get around to getting another mortgage but i have no regrets about that. I wouldn't have been able to do all the travelling i have done since if i had to pay a mortgage too. I am now living with someone new.

My other piece of advice is to give yourself something to look forward to in the future (i went to south america on my own for a month)

Also, go easier on yourself, you won't be over it in 3 months (you were planning your wedding with this guy!) but it will get better.

((hugs))