How do I move on from a relationship break-up?

ameliarate

my heart goes out to you because I have been there, done that etc.........

The first thing you must do is stop contact with your ex.

These suggestions from people about doing different things are brilliant but, if you feel like I did, you will find a reason why none of them are possible, because you are depressed and the only thing that will help really, apart from the counselling and antidepressants is time and distance.

Get the house rented out if you can and stay with your mum rather than worrying about losing money and take a bit of time out to look after yourself and stop worrying about that at least.

Things will get better slowly but there is no time limit on this. Find some understanding friends who you can get out with for a drink or to the pictures.

Good luck.

AlwaysWorking

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. You are all very kind and I really appreciate it. I'm dertermined to follow the advice and not just waste people's time and sit here wallowing in misery...

Everyone seems agreed that I should do something with the house. I know you are right, I can't live there at the minute and there is no point in paying a huge mortgage on somewhere that I can't even bear to visit! To the poster who asked, the house is mine but he lived there with me since I renovated it, so it has always felt like 'our' house and has a lot of happy memories for me. I've organised for an estate agent to come round on Friday and look at the house and advise me whether I should sell or let it out. My mum has agreed to go meet him as I think it would be too much for me at the minute.

I'm also going to visit the hotel tomorrow night and let them know the wedding is cancelled. I don't want to be in the position of another girl on this forum who has to pay for her wedding as it was called off closer to the date. That will break my heart and ideally I would prefer my ex to have taken on this responsibility....but maybe it will help me accept the wedding really isn't going to go ahead.

I've also phoned Relate. We had an introductory session there a few weeks back and at the time it helped me understand that the break up was his decision, that he had issues from other relationships and getting engaged had brought everything to a head for him. But since then I've fallen backwards and started blaming myself again, hounding him with texts asking if I'd been a nicer person, if I was slimmer, prettier, less impatient etc etc would he have left me so soon after getting engaged? The poor guy's head must be spinning and I'm sure he wonders where the strong, independant woman he used to live with has gone to. Given how upset I am, they offered me a session tonight, but I've my second job to go to and I'm scared to phone in sick incase I get fired, so we're going next week. Ex has agreed to go with me....just hearing him explain it to the counsellor helps me a lot more than when I go to see the counsellor my GP has refered me to....I just sit and cry when I see her...poor woman! :rotfl:

My mum has also just phoned me at work to check if I have eaten...I was wearing size 18 trousers when he left in February and now the size 14s I bought a couple of weeks back are far too big. I feel guilty that she is so worried about me. I know I need to look after myself better...I'm a mess, swollen eyes, clothes too big, hair needing cut so pulled back in a ponytail and skin so spotty one of the women in my part time job said I look like I have the chicken pox!! :eek:

Isn't it weird the power you are giving someone when you fall in love? Out of the millions of people in the world, that person has the ability to make you feel like you are walking on air, or living in a bad dream.

poorly_scammo

AlwaysWorking wrote: »

I'm sure you are right. My mum says I need to stop all contact with him. He still phones and texts me, but if I'm being honest, it is probably only because he feels guilty..and not because he loves me. He'd asked me out for dinner/the movies a few times over the last couple of weeks. We had a great time and I really thought there was hope...but I think it was just that he's a truely lovely man and thought that getting me out would help me. He would never lead me on, he's too honest for playing games.

It doesn't sound like it to me. It sounds like that is exactly what he's doing. As others have said you need to stop all contact with him, otherwise you'll be unable to move on.

ameliarate

One step at a time.

Make a list of things that need to be done and don't push yourself too much.

What a lovely mum you have, see you are very lucky.

Keep looking for the good bits, you will find them I promise.

jackieglasgow

And do you know what? You are the only person who can choose to give them it. And you have the power to take it back, and be responsible for your own happiness. I'm not pretending it is easy. But as you said yourself, you are a strong independant woman. You've just lost your way a little bit. Well done for taking these huge steps. Book yourself in for a facial and a haircut. Start making yourself look better on the outside, and you will start feeling better on the inside. I promise. X

Bubby

jackieglasgow wrote: »

And do you know what? You are the only person who can choose to give them it. And you have the power to take it back, and be responsible for your own happiness. I'm not pretending it is easy. But as you said yourself, you are a strong independant woman. You've just lost your way a little bit. Well done for taking these huge steps. Book yourself in for a facial and a haircut. Start making yourself look better on the outside, and you will start feeling better on the inside. I promise. X

I agree with this:), if you can "fake it" with a new haircut/colour and take a bit of time on your appearance it will actually lift you a little bit.
I have to say that I also agree with cutting ties with your ex, maybe just explian to him that whilst you would love to remain friends at this point you need him to take a step back and allow you to move on. I would not be going to counselling with him as this is YOUR recovery and lets be fair regardless of how nice a guy he is he proposed in December and dumped you in February:mad: You may also be hampering the grieving process by thinking he is so perfect and not allowing yourself to be angry with him you are instead blaming yourself.
Do you have any close girlfriends that you could go out with or even go to the cinema etc with?

AlwaysWorking

poorly_scammo wrote: »

It doesn't sound like it to me. It sounds like that is exactly what he's doing. As others have said you need to stop all contact with him, otherwise you'll be unable to move on.

I honestly don't think so. I genuinely think he seen how poorly I was coping and he badly wanted to make things work for my sake. But at the end of the day if he doesn't see a future for us there is nothing he can do. He knows I want a family and he said he doesn't want to waste any more of my time. I wish I DID think he was playing games....if I felt anything other than love for him, it would be a LOT easier to accept and move on.

I know everyone is right and I need to stop all contact. It feels like I've lost my best friend though. I'm going to try very hard not to contact him until the Relate session next week to see if not speaking to him at least stops the constant tears! A customer in my part time job asked me last week if I had an eye infection, which tells you how attactive I'm looking!!:eek:

poorly_scammo

Fair enough but like most of us have said, seeing him is like reopening a wound.

And like others have said, you need a diversion other than work.

AlwaysWorking

ameliarate wrote: »

What a lovely mum you have, see you are very lucky.

Even though she hates talking about/showing emotion she has been fantastic. The best.

Jackie, you're right. I gave him the power...now I have to get the strength from somewhere to take it back.

Bubby, I understand what you are saying. I just think that if we go to counselling together it will help me accept his reasons and move on. At the minute I don't understand what happened...he just seemed to stop seeing a future with me in the seven weeks we were engaged. I need to know for definite that this isn't just cold feet at the thought of 'forever' as I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering 'what if?'. I'm also going to counselling through my GP but to be honest I cry a lot and she doesn't get much sense out of me! That and the fact she talked about me being admitted to hospital...which scared me. Not the going into hospital...I'd fly to the moon if I thought it would help me function better, but if I can't work, I can't pay the bills...

belfastgirl23

Just to say I think you've done really well. You've acknowledged the problem and you're trying to sort things out as your strength allows. This is good going in your position and you should be proud of yourself.

As for the crying and grieving, who's to say this isn't the right way to do things. you can only cry for so long and you're perhaps getting it all out in one go will be good in the long run. Similarly if counselling with him is what you need then you're right to do it. you're in the best position to make this judgement.

Keep posting, we're all here for you.