How do I move on from a relationship break-up?

belfastgirl23

I agree with what the others have said about needing to cut way back on contact with your ex.

But I also think you need to somehow address your financial issues. Working a 60 plus hour week cannot be helping your depression, you have zero time for yourself. Are you sure you aren't doing this as a way of trying to shut out the emotions?

With the house what worries me is that you are saying you think it will be too painful to live in but you can't let it go. I actually think that selling it might be the best thing you could do, it's sort of closure for you on the relationship and frees you up from the financial stresses that are keeping you working crazy hours and doing a job you hate. I do understand the financial argument but are you sure you aren't using this to mask the emotional argument of not being able to move on? I really think it would be worth trying to explore this with your counsellor. Ending up breaking even on it is not so bad, and with the way things are in the economic climate at the minute don't forget that house prices could drop rather than rise....

I also think you really need to look around at the job issue. You're spending presumably 8 hours a day doing something you hate - this alone is enough to depress anyone. You've got to start either looking for a new job or thinking about reducing your outgoings in some way (see above )

Either way though, taking action will definitely help you to feel better.

Lots of luck!

Souk08

Agree with all the previous advice. I had typed out a post but deleted it as thought it sounded a bit harsh but puffin has said more or less the same thing re not worrying about having a mortgage and worrying about YOU instead. I'm single, 31 and renting but wouldn't swap it for the world. This is YOUR time so do something you enjoy. Even if you sell up and make a loss you can go somewhere else/do something you like/have a holiday with the money. You do need to draw a line and look after you and you definetely need to cut contact with your ex. It's tough but ultimately there WILL come a time when you don't want to see him all the time. It's also a good idea to look for new friends who you can do activities and things with. Use gumtree, ads, google local groups etc and don't expect miracles but just get out there.

Re the whole single in your thirties thing. I think it's nonsense to put yourself under pressure. We could all have someone if we were happy to go out with anyone....and don't forget that!

Just take care of yourself. Do something so you don't have to work so much and can have a bit of fun and I send you big hugs. My mates in the same position and it's hard to watch but you and she WILL see the other side one day XXX

jackieglasgow

Ok so maybe some of my suggestions were a step too far, but you see what I am getting at - change your life! Don't continue on the path you are on now.

We all seem to be pretty much agreed on one thing. You need to get rid of the house in some way, shape or form. If the market is really that bad, then let it. Wash you hands of it for six months. As long as the mortgage and insurance are covered by the rental, get an agent to take it over and try not to worry about it until your head is clearer.

The next thing is to stop burning the candle at both ends. Letting the house will let you do this.

The next thing is to get away. Be it a short break, or moving away for a set period of time, this is a good idea. You will be away from all the influences in your life, positive and negative, and be able to get some clarity on the situation.

You know, it's a cliche but in a year or two you will look back and be glad this relationship came to an end, but you will need to rediscover yourself before that can happen. !

donquine

It sounds like you've had a really rough time lately and understandably, your confidence has taken a real blow.

Do you want him back? Still? If you do, don't spend any more time with him - you'll end up reading signs that aren't there and allowing yourself to hope for something that won't happen. That's a horrible path to take - don't do it to yourself.

It sounds as if you're struggling to make ends meet - I would suggest posting on the buying/renting/selling board for some practical advice as to what you should do with the house. You may be on a bad mortgage deal - or maybe the whole thing is plain unaffordable. Ask the question - the people on that board are very knowledgeable.

Amanda65

Definitely agree with previous advice about letting the house, to give you both a financial and emotional detachment from the home you shared with your ex (does he have any claim on the house btw ?)

Then, how about going abroad and either volunteering for 6 months or au pairing? Never done this but seriously contemplated doing it when my engagement ended with ex (ended up not quite brave enough, and then met my husband ) Plenty of nannying type jobs used to be advertised at the back of The Lady and there must be loads of voluteering websites you could look at.

These two actions would mean you could keep your house, put some distance between you and your ex, hand your notice in at your current job, teach you new skills which you could use when you (if you decide to) ever come home and get you out there meeting new people.

It will be a very brave move, but I bet you won't sit in you armchair at 85 wishing you hadn't done it !!!!!

BitterAndTwisted

Although your ex seems to be trying to be kind to you by maintaining contact it is not helping you go through the grieving process. As long as he is still in your life in some way or form you are stuck where you are and won't be able to move on. I once read somewhere that sometimes it can take as long as the relationship lasted to truly get over a break-up, so you're not that far along the road to recovery yet and as long as the ex is in your life you I don't think you will be.

Honestly, if you can sell the house without being left with a great big debt I would very seriously consider selling it. Keeping the house is probably holding you back from recovery as well, I expect. There will be other houses and there will be other deposits saved in the future, have no doubt about that whatsoever.

Just hold on to the thought that every day that passes is another day closer to recovery. You'll be shocked one day to realise that the ex is not the first thing you think about each morning upon rising. That day shall come.

I was in a similar situation to you once upon a time and things do slowly improve. Infinitesimally slowly but they do improve, I promise you.

ecgirl07

start taking ownership of your life again, agree with everyone who says cut off contact with ex. If you cant rent out your home then take it back - go to B&Q and buy cheap paint and decorate, get some new bedding, clear out nic naks, and anything that was ours (within reason) and make it yours instead of ours.

Pixiechic

I agree that you need to cut ties with your ex now, however difficult you find it. Delete his number off your phone so that it is not so easy to contact him.

Bufger

AlwaysWorking wrote: »

I'm sure you are right. My mum says I need to stop all contact with him. He still phones and texts me, but if I'm being honest, it is probably only because he feels guilty..and not because he loves me. He'd asked me out for dinner/the movies a few times over the last couple of weeks. We had a great time and I really thought there was hope...but I think it was just that he's a truely lovely man and thought that getting me out would help me. He would never lead me on, he's too honest for playing games.

Maybe hes just having his cake and eating it?!?! Have you slept with him since the breakup? no need to answer but if its a yes then he's not only made you think hes such a caring and kind guy he's also managed to run away from any responsibility he was scared of hes also managed to get himself back on the market whilst still using you for company and pleasure.

Get rid of him altogether whether its nicely or not. get yourself on a few nights out or a holiday. Meet a few different men and see that your ex isnt the only "decent" guy out there and get on with your life.

Theres the kick up the backside you needed

SandC

You know the worries about the house and getting of the ladder etc.?

Well I have a friend who split up with her husband through various things that were basically his actions, including running up very significant debts she knew nothing about. So she left her 20 year marriage with a man she'd been with since school. Because of his actions the house was sold and not only did she have to start again with nothing, but she had to contribute to the remaining debt as well until that was sorted.

So she started again with her daughter renting a flat and now her daughter has moved in with her boyfriend she is lodging with a friend. She is having a whale of a time discovering the youth she didn't really have. Not having a property does not bother her in the least right now and she is in her 40s. There is nothing she can do about the financial situation they ended up in, so for the time being she is concentrating on her.

Life does go on, often in a way you might never have imagined. You just have to concentrate on any positive you can grab because dwelling on what might have been, or any negatives will only bring you down further and if there's nothing you can do about them, it's wasted emotion.