How do I move on from a relationship break-up?

notakid

AlwaysWorking wrote: »

Hi everyone. Thank you for your posts, as always they have given me a lot to think about and I really appreciate everyone taking the time.

I know posting on a forum means you get opinions from lots of different people, which is fantastic. And that you might not always like what people say, which is only natural...but if I'm honest, the post above has upset me. I know you meant well but, without knowing me, you seem to think I'm only acting depressed to manipulate my ex into staying with me. I can only say that you're wrong about me. I don't see how attending counselling can be seen as manipulating anyone- the counseller is impartial and fully aware that the purpose of the sessions is to help me cope with the break up. I genuinely only want to understand to help me move on. I've said I'm also attending counselling on my own and that she has talked about admitting me to hospital as I'm very depressed and have suicidal plans, yet you tell me to come off the anti depressants and pull myself together...I only wish it was that easy. Perhaps you wanted to manipulate your ex...but I love my ex with all of my heart and I wouldn't want to manipulate him into staying with me and being unhappy.

I don't think Kay is suggesting that you are doing it on purpose, she is saying its a behaviour because you aren't ready to let go.

It hurts because I think because part of you, part you haven't acknowledged knows it to be true. It doesn't mean you are weak or trying to pull the wool over anyone's eyes. Its just being human.

You need not to see your ex. There is nothing he can offer you. You have not caused this situation, he has. You have nothing to change for, this is his problem.

You need to love yourself. Please try.

Kay is talking from a viewpoint of a few years down the line. I saw the same thing with my sister and I'm seeing it with a very good friend at the present time. Only you can move on. It may take time, but you can do it.

AlwaysWorking

I'm sorry Kay. I think maybe I'm just too sensitive at the minute. Maybe I AM trying to manipulate him. I honestly don't know anything anymore. I thought I was too nice a person to do that, but if I WAS a nice person, he wouldn't have left me so easily and started going on dates with other people.

I know I have low self confidence. I always put the needs/feelings of ex, family and friends above my own. I always told ex he was too good for me and that I kept waiting for the dream to end. He said it never would...

notakid

AlwaysWorking wrote: »

I'm sorry Kay. I think maybe I'm just too sensitive at the minute. Maybe I AM trying to manipulate him. I honestly don't know anything anymore. I thought I was too nice a person to do that, but if I WAS a nice person, he wouldn't have left me so easily and started going on dates with other people.

I know I have low self confidence. I always put the needs/feelings of ex, family and friends above my own. I always told ex he was too good for me and that I kept waiting for the dream to end. He said it never would...

Your not manipulating, you're punishing yourself.

Why are you blaming yourself? What have you done wrong? Nothing.

Try and remember that.

Your Ex is not too good for you. He is damaged in some way to behave like this. Believe it or not, you have had a lucky escape.

jackieglasgow

Don't keep thinking about what kind of person you were within the relationship, because it doesn't matter anymore, he didn't want you no matter how you act, and you need to try and accept this and move on. I would also say that the ex isn't the angel you paint him to be, and in time you will come to see that. The whole episode you described about the children's store, showed him in a really different light to how you see him.

I think you need to stop posting about him, for your own sakes, I think you need to focus on what you are doing, how you are feeling emotionally, and try to think about the thing you CAN do to change things and recover. I am sorry you have been having suicidal thoughts, that's truly awful, but you WILL come through this the other side.

Did you get your hair cut? What was the verdict from the Estate Agent? How soon will you be able to chuck the second job? Think about all the thing you need to do to move forward until you are strong enough to deal with the past, as you obviously aren't just now. All those things we've said to you before about faking it were so true. Try practising smiling. Five minutes a day, stand in front of the mirror and smile. Eventually it will become second nature, as the physical act of smiling will influence your emotions.

Love as always, take care of yourself.

Jackie X

tesuhoha

Hi

Ive just read your thread and the best advice I can give you is to buy the book - Men Love B!tches which Ihave just bought my daughter. It will help you to move on, enpower you and make you see him in a new light, which is hes not worth having, not worth your grief. Its only £3 on Amazon and free postage, possibly the best £3 youve ever spent. Cant remember theauthor but just key in the title.

AlwaysWorking

:rotfl: notakid your last post made my heart skip a beat!!! I'm accessing the internet via my mobile and had to quickly scroll across to see who had posted..the ex knows I love this website and he knows my user name...what you posted sounded EXACTLY like he has been telling me the last 3 months....

Jackie as always you talk sense! The estate agent left me a message saying he would contact me on Monday. I've booked a haircut for Wednesday as I was working all day Saturday. I'll admit I chose Wednesday (as opposed to taking a half day any other day) as we have a relate session that evening and I wanted to show him what he was missing....but having thought about it tonight, I think I'll cancel it. I wanted to go to help me understand...but deep down maybe I already know? Maybe getting engaged and booking the venue made him realise that he didn't love me enough to marry me...he was happy to live with me but
not marry me. I just wish he'd been honest with me and told me he didn't love me then, instead of saying he was confused etc and asking me out on 'dates' and sleeping with me. He obviously wasn't that confused when he'd had an offer accepted on a house and been on dates with two women with 5 weeks of leaving me!!

hieveryone

AW, your confidence has taken a battering and that's completely understandable.

It'd be good for you to get into the 'anger' mode as fast as you can so that you can't be seen to 'crawl' to him to go to Relate sessions with him - I'd get it cancelled ASAP and show him you don't need him to hold your hand to feel better

I remember getting all dolled up to go and meet my X to hand over 'possessions' and deep down thinking, 'this is it, he'll see me and just realise everything was a mistake', and guess what, he didn't. He didn't care about nice make up or a nice hairdo, he just didn't want to be with me.

Go get your nice haircut and admire yourself in the mirror - that's the greatest love of all!

LJM

it is hard getting over and moving on from a break up all i can offer for advice is take it day by day dont look to the future as it may seem too daunting, eventually it will get easier but it may also take some time

hieveryone

Just checking in AW - how are you today ?

jackieglasgow

Hi AW, hope you are well today, and the Estate Agent had positive news.

HIEVERYONE are you following me?