How do I move on from a relationship break-up?

hieveryone

jackieglasgow wrote: »

HIEVERYONE are you following me?

Errmmm, no, honest :cool:

jackieglasgow

Don't panic, it's just that I'd replied to your message over on the Daily not long ago, and it was funy seeing your name again so soon! That Zippychick takes wee notions of following me about now and again, even though she denies it:p, and I thought I had another "follower" :rotfl::rotfl:

AlwaysWorking

Good evening ladies! I hope you all had a lovely day? The posts last night made me think (not sleeping much) and this morning I emailed the ex asking about the Relate session. He said he didn't want to go as he knows what his 'demons' are and he's trying to work through them. I emailed back to say that was fine, I'd cancel the session..I went on to say that I didn't deserve the way he had been treating me and that I couldn't understand how things went so wrong. I told him to give me some space for a few months so I could concentrate on getting my life back on track and then perhaps we could consider being friends.

He got defensive and said he was fed up trying to tell me, it was because he couldn't see us having a future. I got angry and said that normal people don't walk out on a happy relationship six days after booking their wedding.....

Long story short, the emails flew back and forward and he said something about wanting to do what is best for me...I told him in that case to get packing and go home to Scotland so I wouldn't have to see him again....so I doubt I'll hear from him until he moves into the house he is buying and wants the rest of his stuff from my house. I had a wee cry then went to see the counseller. I told her how down I've been and how angry I was feeling after things he had said in his emails. She basically said that he has emotional baggage and I need to forget about him and concentrate on getting better. We talked about me going to visit my best friend for a weekend in Surrey and how I need to get away and relax to 'break the cycle'. I agreed I'll get something booked asap.

This evening I drove to the hotel where we were to be married. I had a last look around and cancelled the wedding, then had a wee cry on the way home. Lol, anyone in the Belfast area who sees a woman crying as she drives, wave and say hello!! He proposed on 10th Dec so it is quite fitting I cancel the wedding and tell him not to contact me again on 10th May. How quickly things can change!!

jackieglasgow

Wow What a good day you have had. It might not feel like that, but you've cancelled the wedding, which must have hurt a lot, you've finally started to react appropriately to his behaviour, I know sadness is appropriate, but being bloddy angry at his game playing is even more so, especially when he had the audacity to sleep with you. Good to make plans to see your friend, and lastly, what a good counsellor you have, she has given you some sound advice this week. She's right, stop focussing on him, as that's still giving him the power that we talked about before. Take back the power, and decide not to focus on him, but on yourself.

I hope you sleep better tonight.

Jackie X

Brighton_belle

You've done incredibly well today OP.

Stephb1986_2

Alwaysworking well done so far love, you are really facing this head on instead of burrying your head in the sand I don't know how your doing it so hats off to you.

I think it might be best if you leave your ex to it for a while if he contacts you ignore it I know it might sound petty but it will make him think more if you don't reply I think your being really brave I don't know that I could of walked in and cancel my wedding like that I would of got my mum to do it or something!

Lets hope tomorrow is a better day for you chin up love.

Hugs xx

Steph xx

Kay_Peel

He has a very clear idea of what he wants and doesn't want from a relationship. He has made up his mind that you cannot give him what he wants and needs - but that doesn't mean to say that there is anything wrong with you. There is someone out there for whom you will fit the bill perfectly and your ex is giving you the opportunity to find them. Good for him. I admire his guts in being upfront and honest with you within a few days/week of realising his mistake.

It sounds like he wants to give you the space to mourn everything you've lost (your future as a married woman, his love, the possibility of conceiving a child with him, being part of a couple, the dream wedding etc and so on) - but you won't let him.

Your mother, your counsellors, the people who care about you and the people kind enough to contribute to your topic are all putting it nicely when they say that you will start to recover only when you stop contact. I'm being more blunt - almost like I'm speaking to my younger self. (In fact, if I could give my younger self a good shake and a kick up the wotsit, I would!)

I'm really concerned that it seems to be you, not him, that initiates contact. Please, please, please do yourself a favour and stop texting him, or making appointments for him to see Relate, or expecting him to untangle the wedding arrangements, or bombarding him with angry emails, or expecting him to give you a post-mortem on what went wrong. He probably can't explain it - he could just feel it in his gut that it would end in pain and disaster. He did the right thing - now you must do the right thing, too.

Button21

AW, this is the first time I have posted on your thread, but have been reading it daily and hoping for positive posts from you.

I too am in the midst of emotional turmoil right now, so can understand your hurt and despair. I had a very very low day a week or so ago, but am still here - still wakening up each day and trying my best to make a life for myself and my children.

A long time ago, a similar thing happened to myself when a relationshop broke up. This is how I dealt with it.....

I would find myself crying over the slightest thing....then, when I did, I would write in a book what made me cry, and if the same thought came into my head again (say, something silly like a film you watched together), I would think - right, I've dealt with that emotion - I've cried over the film/holiday/wedding/favourite resturant you visited - I've put that thought down on paper - whatever it may be, then in time, there won't be anything left for you to grieve over because you have put yourself through enough and grieved enough over each and every aspect of your relationship, writing it down as you go and putting each and everything that hurts into boxes which you have dealt with and grieved for.

Look yourself in the mirror, touch your face, feel your skin, look right into your eyes and say "I am a human being, flesh, blood, a heart, feelings.... I do not deserve to grieve this way. At some point, my sadness must cease".

Some thoughts for you.......

Waste not fresh tears over old griefs....
A wounded dear - leaps highest......
The best way out of a difficulty is through it......

You will get through this. It took me 4 months to start to feel better. I was kind to myself, and realised I couldn't go on with this immense sadness any longer. I hope you will too.

Lots of love to you xxxx

AlwaysWorking

p.s Jackie...the estate agent didn't even come back to me today! And if I do say so myself, my wee house is lovely...when the ex and I talked of moving a while back, I had another estate agent in to value it and my mum said she walked around touching everything and wanting to know where I bought things, lol! Laura Ashley btw!

I'm glad everyone thinks I've done well today...I'm just sad things got so heated in our emails...I never thought we'd end up being so horrible to each other. But I guess that is part of the healing process. I'm excited at the idea of a weekend away seeing my best friend...I know she won't let me wallow in misery and will make me shake myself and have fun!

AlwaysWorking

p.s Jackie...the estate agent didn't even come back to me today! And if I do say so myself, my wee house is lovely...when the ex and I talked of moving a while back, I had another estate agent in to value it and my mum said she walked around touching everything and wanting to know where I bought things, lol! Laura Ashley btw!

I'm glad everyone thinks I've done well today...I'm just sad things got so heated in our emails...I never thought we'd end up being so horrible to each other. But I guess that is part of the healing process. I'm excited at the idea of a weekend away seeing my best friend...I know she won't let me wallow in misery and will make me shake myself and have fun!