Internet Infidelities

threemuttleys

No advice OP, just big hugs and mug of tea xx

Button21

Hello my lovely MSE friends! I just thought I'd log on and update my ongoing saga!

It's been 10 days since I have posted....and I can honestly say this past 2 weeks have been the worst in my life. I have been at my lowest point in my life ever. But, once you reach that point, the only way (hopefully) is up and that is what I am trying to do.

I have had some contact with him this past fortnight - I have stopped crying and screaming down the phone however! I think I am passed the angry stage - it's more embarassment now. I'm ashamed he would do this to our children above everything else. They have definately picked up on the fact that something is wrong at home. I am ashamed at myself for that I've allowed that to happen - I should try and protect them no matter what I am going through myself. My 3 year old scratched and bit her brother this morning - I think they are both feeling insecure and I don't know how best to change that?? I have tired talking to them but am not sure how much to say??

He is due home on Friday, and I honestly don't know what to do for the best??

Any advice/opinions???

Love to you all xxx

mazinmouse

Well, the procrastinator in me says that in your shoes I think I would just play the long game for the time being. You don't have to decide what to do for the best just yet, you can maintain a dignified and quiet stance... see what he comes up with - don't give him anything to work with or work upon.

Good luck with everything.

Button21

Oh my goodness, you have just said exactly what my mum said to do! She told me not to say much, and let him do all the talking! I tend to go off on one and ask questions then answer them for him also!

My mum says he'll expect me to rant and rave when I come home, but if I maintain a dignified silence, he'll wonder what's up!

thank you for posting mazinmouse! xx

jackieglasgow

Good to hear from you Button, sorry to hear you're not doing so well. What I would say about your children is that actually, they are probably more missing daddy than being upset because of your upset, IYSWIM. My OH has worked away for periods of time since my DS2 was born, and week 2/3 of any period is always the worst, they miss their daddy, don't know why, can't express it, and are feeling a bit fed up and don't know what to do. That's more likely to be the reason they are playing up, than anything you have done or said, or not said. (BTW I also don't think not having contact with dad has affected them any more or less, you could set a clock by my kids' behaviour when dad is away whether or not the have loads of contact!)

Hugs to you. X

Button21

Thanks jackie for your post! Good to hear from you too!

Do you think I should say it's ok to come home on Friday or should he go to his sisters? (70 miles away)

I am just unsure what to do for the best because I don't know where I see the future any more??

Is it best to have more space, albeit we have just had 3 weeks, or should he come home and stay in the spare room?? I don't want to seem like a pushover who opens the door after what he has done.

I have went through so much this past 3 weeks, that I am not prepared to sweep it under the carpet and just fall back into the same patterns. Unsure what to do for the best??

xxxx

blabberwort

Hi button

Sorry to have read about your last few weeks. I hope things will improve for you soon.

With regards to him coming home or going to his sisters I think only you can decide that. However if it was me and there was absaloutely no way he could find somewhere nearer temporarily until you can decide what to do, I would have him at home. Only and for no other reason than him being 70 miles away makes it near impossible to see his children regularly, and yes while he's a lot of names I cant mention for being banned it's not the childrens fault.

If I did let him come home I would be sure to make it clear that it was the spare room or nothing. I would also make it clear that I was still undecided as to what the outcome will be but that I am allowing him to stay because of the children.

Maybe if he hadnt been working away I would say different, but he has been and as such the children are probably missing him.

Whatever you decide make sure it's the right thing for you as well as your children. If you think it will end up in rows constantly then you need to consider the effect on the children with this too, and if thats the case I would force him to move into a b&b temp if he really cant find anyone closer to put him up.

jackieglasgow

I can't tell you what to do. If it were me, I think what I would want to do is have him home, have him tell me it would all be OK, and try and move on without sorting things out.

What I would like to think I would do is tell him to keep his distance for a while longer, meet on neutral territory and talk about what has happened, get him to explain to me what he thought he would achieve, and what he expected the outcome of his behaviour to be, and if he wanted to repair the marriage. If that's what he wanted, then he would have to work at it, because his behaviour broke it in the first place! Even if we were having problems, it doesn't give him carte blanche to go off sniffing round other women. Counselling would be a major factor in that because I would need to learn to live with what he had done, and he would need to learn about his feelings, and how to prevent himself from needing to do this again.

There would be no need for him to see the children straight away until we had spoken about things at length and come to some sort of agreement about how to move forward, they have missed him, but children that age have no idea of timespans, and another few days wouldn't make a huge difference, but seeing daddy for a few hours and him not coming home again may only upset them, and they would probably not understand why he's not coming home straight away, which would upset me and make thinking and dealing with it clearly, more difficult.

That's what I would do. You would need to decide what to do for your family, but I hope this helps. X

LillythePink

Oh wow.

I am sorry that you have had to go through this - I can sympathise on all counts - the first isn't really a good thing to admit, but my OH and I met online - we were both married to other people at the time but weren't having a good time in either marriage - so we spoke a lot on msn and then got it together.

This was 9 years ago, but we didn't keep the relationships strung out - it was within 3 months that we had separated and moved in together.

There's more......

Last year, only a month after we got married, I discovered that he had been talking to an ex gf - but not really just any ex - his first love and the one that he hadn't really been able to get over.

They sort of started talking again on FB - a few months before we got married I found out that her friend had contacted hub to pass on her number and he said no way - he wasn't going down that route, however, 6 weeks before the wedding, I found out that he had her number on his phone - couldn't prove contact or anything, but that was enough - it blew up and we almost didn't get married - but we got over it - then the talking began after we married.

I had a feeling something was not right - don't know what it was, it was just there - he was off work after hurting his back - I came home one lunch time (after saying that I wouldn't be home) and he jumped out of his chair like a rabbit in the headlights.....I went upstairs and found the the skype phone was missing, but skype was logged in and there were loads of calls to this one number for hours! What made it even worse, was I had to work some evenings as we were busy at work and he was calling her then!

He knew that I knew about the calls, but I just played it cool - until I could do some digging and boy - did I dig - I found out that they had been on web cam (didn't know for how long or what was said/done) but the worst thing for me was finding out that he had sent a pic of his !!!! to her.

I kept my cool and buried the knots deep down - I didn't eat for 4 days - he knew that I was stewing - but I did speak to him about it - I was raging, but kept my cool and had a calm chat and he told me all about it, about her and why he had been talking to her.

We are ok now - but although I would deny it to him - I do not trust him 100% and do check his pc etc from time to time.

I know that after our chat, he still had her number on his phone, but I couldn't tell him to delete it as I felt he had to do that for himself if he valued me or our relationship. He did delete it.

As far as I know, he hasn't really had any contact with her - only via FB with the odd comment on a wall - I know the passwords to his email and FB account (he doesn't know that I know)

I know that it is damaging our relationship and it is getting easier - but there is always that nagging doubt in my head. I know that he is a flirt and will get into situations that he just thinks are fun - hell, we did when we first started chatting on msn - I wasn't looking for a relationship and neither was he - we lived 100's of miles apart from each other so it was "safe" but things progressed and we did meet up and we are now married.

Sorry about all the ramblings - I am not trying to hijack your thread but it was a bit of background as I have been on both sides of the picture that you are now in.

We both know that we met under the worst circumstances as there is always the possiblity that it could happen again....so I realise people will read this and think what goes around comes around and yes, I accept that.

You have to have a look at yourself and find the strength to sort something out and do what's best for you and not necessarily what's best for your kids. Harsh as that may sound it's the only way to get through this - ignore what you think is good for them as there is no point in living in a relationship where you just don't want to be - it will only make them miserable in the long run.

In your position, I would be crawling over that pc and anything else - looking for any other signs of chat - did you know you can record conversations that take place on msn? (if that's how he has been chatting)

I would say that because he can get away with it (well has done) he will carry on doing it - he has to prove that it's you he wants (if that's the route you want to take)

This woman obviously has no regard for marriage or you - and is either flattered by the attention or out to prove that all men are bar stewards by stringing him along

The definition of cheating is different in everyone's books - some say kissing is, others don't and I really don't see how people can label it until they are in that position - whilst it isn't physical - it's mental which is actually sometimes worse as it gets in their heads and not matter what they say "sorry it won't happen again" they will still be thinking about it - but you will never know so you will always be thinking about it and what they are thinking about

As I said......sorry for the rambling post - my thoughts are with you entirely - if ever you want to chat about anything pm me as I have been on both sides

Be strong

xxxxxxx

jackieglasgow

Wow Lily. Thaks for posting so honestly, I'm sorry to hear things aren't going so well for you. I thinks you've given Buttons some good advice though, especially what you've said about making herself happy, not the kids, because eventually whatever the outcome, their emotions will be a direct reflection of hers.

Night all.