Internet Infidelities

grn43

Button,

I just had to write (long time forum lurker on these forums, but never felt moved to post until now).

Firstly, let me say from all I have read that it's not you that has the problems, it is him. Please don't beat yourself up over it. As JackieG says, he obviously knows what buttons to push....please don't let him.

Your have coped so well so far, but it won't do any harm to see your Doc as you are going through an extremely stressful time ...more than I could ever cope with! So take care of yourself first and foremost....and don't worry about what others may say or think, you are strong and you're certainly no psycho, so please ditch this thoughts, as they're totally untrue.

Oh and btw I am a male (but don't hold that against me!)

Please let us know how things go. We're here to listen and help. Our thoughts are with you.

pelirocco

You need to talk to him face to face , please dont be influenced by other people ,especially from people you dont know on an internet forum .At the end of the day you will have to live your whole life with any decision you make ,while everyone will have moved onto the next 'crisis' on here

Button21

Thank you to everyone. I know i have trust and security issues - think it stems from a long way back. how do you overcome that though? he knows that and plays on my weakness.

how do you become comfortable in your own skin? i dont think i ever have. i want to be able to like myself and feel good about myself instead of being ashamed at how weak and pathetic i am. i feel like an empty shell with nothing good inside.

i am not looking for sympathy nor feeling sorry for myself - I am just putting down how i honestly feel.

i don't really supose this is about him. its me thats the weak one. i can't handle deceipt or deception. i would rather a smack in the face than this. i am so so so sorry as that is disrespectful to anyone suffering physical abuse but to me, the mental and emotional bruises are the hardest to heal.

what is life all about? i read somewhere that your date of birth and date of death is joined by a dash...........and it's what the dash stands for that counts. somewhere along the way, i have lost sight of what life is all about.

grey_lady

"how do you become comfortable in your own skin? i dont think i ever have. i want to be able to like myself and feel good about myself instead of being ashamed at how weak and pathetic i am. i feel like an empty shell with nothing good inside. "

It's fairly obvious that you have very low self-esteem, it's on the floor!!
- if you want to like and feel good about yourself then you need to raise your self-esteem. Could you think about faking it in the meantime :-)

For example what would a woman who had good self-esteem do if she found out that her OH had been indulging in emotional or actual infidelity.
What would a woman with high self esteem do if her husband never told her he loved her, or that she was beautiful or never helped her out at home or took her out on a date.

She wouldnt sit there telling herself that it was all her on fault for being weak would she? she would take positive steps to either mend her broken marriage or she would seek a divorce and tell herself that the painful times would pass and that she would find someone who would treat her much better in the future. She'd probably be extra easy on herself for a while, treats - couple of days off from the housework etc.

Every time you have a 'bad' thought about yourself, replace it with a better one. You've said a lot of nasty things about yourself, try reminding yourself of your good qualities.

Have you thought about counselling? your GP could probably help arrange that.

*Louise*

Button21 wrote: »

what is life all about? i read somewhere that your date of birth and date of death is joined by a dash...........and it's what the dash stands for that counts. somewhere along the way, i have lost sight of what life is all about.

Beautiful poem, was read at my hubby's best friends' funeral last year, here are the words for you x


The Dash by Linda Ellis

There was a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end

He noted that first came her date of her birth
And spoke the following date with tears
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years

For that dash stands for all the time
That she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own;
The cars the house the cash
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

We'd be less quick to anger
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect
And more often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy is being read
With your lifes actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

Cos that dash stands for all the time
That you spent alive on earth
And only those who loved you
Know what that little line is worth

It matters not how much you own
The cars the house the cash
What matters is how you live and love
And how you spend your dash

What matters is how you live and love
And how you spend your dash.

Money_maker

Button21 wrote: »

Thank you to everyone. I know i have trust and security issues - think it stems from a long way back. how do you overcome that though? he knows that and plays on my weakness.

Sorry to hear all this, Button, but if those last 4 words are true then he is very much the cause of all your problems rather than the solution.

No one should be in such a low position as you are feeling at the moment and you really need to talk to somebody soon. We all have weaknesses - some more apparent than others - but to have a would be 'loved one' twisting the knife in our most vulnerable spots is truly evil and manipulative.

Please do see the doctor on tuesday, feel better about yourself then take control as you know you can do and make the changes you need to for yourself and your children. Doesn't matter if he tries to make you lose faith in yourself - please, please ignore him and show him that he no longer has control - you have broken free and you will choose your future.

Good luck x

sp1987

Don't ignore the phone, it will only make the situation worse. You need to answer and show you are getting on fine and have been very busy (well, you have lots of plates to wash so isn't a big lie!). Start as you mean to go on....if you start as a floppy, psycho emotional wreck it won't get better! Start with a bit of faith in yourself. For a start you are literate, can run a household, raise kids, have lost 4 stone since having a baby 7 years ago...and don't resort to violence. That's five good things about you and I have only read this thread. I'm sure there's hundreds more you overlook.

You need to sort yourself out before you even think about that ape. Getting rid of him, taking him back....neither will make you happy unless you are happy in yourself to begin with. You need proper respect for yourself and to believe you are worth someone's undivided attention and affection. That way, whatever does or does not crop up in future..and whatever someone else does or doesn't do, you can appreciate that you cannot ever control anybody else's actions except your own.

If I was you I'd take the kids out for a nice day tomorrow and book to get my hair done.

ThinkingOfLinking

skypie123 wrote: »

Good girl - let him sweat!
I love your sig by the way. Now adopt that attitude and keep going! xxx

I agree with this post. I am very much one for fidelity; I'd certainly regard his behaviour as cheating and would seriously consider kicking him to the kerb; what else has he done/hidden from you? How do you know he wasn't intending on steering these chats towards an eventual physical encounter/affair?

Button21

Once again, thank you everyone for your kind kind words.

I didn't say earlier, but I've found out more. My 3 year old had a kids party yesterday and ended up with food poisoning so I couldn't sleep last night as was too worried she would choke on her sickness.

Anywyay.....to cut a long story short.....in the wee small hours of the night I stood at that god damned door again!! ie I did some more digging. I managed to log onto his mobile account and saw a number appear frequently last year.....I called it at 2am and it was his ex who I knew he spoke to on messenger last year. I wasn't too pleased at the time (reason being his password at the time was 'mysecret69friend'......I managed to get it out of him). He made me out to be some psycho who was making something out of nothing and that their chats were just innocent conversations. Why text and phone her also??? I don't understand. Anyway, we moved on and he promised no more secret contact - I don't mind him speaking to anyone as long as it's honest and open.

Turns out however, he was still in contact with her. I spoke to her tonight and she confirmed that when they spoke she felt if she gave him an inch he would take a mile and wasn't wanting to get involved with a married man so ended their chats after she realised I didn't know. He still pursued her however and eventually gave up.

So the web is even more tangled.....think i am just exausted and too confused to be angry now. I feel numb.

Button21

Just to add also, we spoke on the phone tonight but I didn't argue. I am exausted and confused and feeling physically unwell if I'm honest.

I asked him not to contact me for the next 2 weeks until he comes home. I don't care if people think it's unfair or cruel to not let him speak to his kids. For the next fortnight, as every kind person on this forum has said, I need to think about my own mental wellbeing and if that means depriving him of speaking to his children for a couple of weeks then so be it.

He didn't spare a thought for us.