Internet Infidelities

Button21

Dear my MSE friends,

I am a mum of 2 kiddies who tries my very best for my family every day! I am by no means perfect, but I put my family first in every decision I make and am trying so hard to get rid of our big mortgage (approx £130k).

I have just recently had the rug torn from beneath me when I logged onto the computer and read an intimate and explicit online conversation my husband was having with his friends ex wife. I am gobsmacked, hurt, sad, angry, ashamed, embarassed............basically every emotion going.

He had no option but to admit it and confess it started in February. There has been no physical contact, but in my mind, online contact is bad enough. He however, is adimant he hasn't cheated nor broken his wedding vows??! Joke in my mind!

I have just went to pieces - haven't eaten anything nor slept for 3 days and nights. He is working away just now and not due home for another 2 weeks. How should I play this?? I have no idea what to do and am so ashamed to tell anyone. A couple of my friends know, but sometimes I feel they thrive on my misfortune - I know that sounds harsh, but I can't help but get that feeling.

Please help me find the strength to have no contact with him and make him suffer for what he has done. I want him to realise and never to do it again. He is winning just now, because he knows I am not strong, and therefore it gives him the red light to do this again.

Thanks guys - I know it isn't money saving, but in a way it is because he is abroad and I must have run up a £300+ phone bill in the last 3 days. Please help me to stop and not make things any worse. I am an emotional wreck just now.

Thank you all xxx

gordikin

....red light should maybe have be green light?

Money_maker

Hugs to you, Button, not many peeps around at this time of night to help you out.

I would be absolutely furious with him as well but with him being away at the moment, it would be very difficult to sort out without seeing him face to face and reading his body language.

I'm so sorry but I do need to ask - is he genuinely working away? Do you have details of where he is and a landline connection? Sorry to be so brutal but the thought does spring to mind.

I guess you have time on your side to gauge your responses to him and only you know what type of man he is and whether there is any likelihood that this may have happened in the past/will happen again. Be strong - if you think it may reoccur then a heart to heart is required and failing a resolution from that, then counselling (marriage guidance sort of thing). Once the root of the problem has been established then you can both decide if if can be solved or not.

Do go to bed, clear your mind and try to get some sleep. Things are always worst at this time of night and you will feel fresher tomorrow. You will also have more advice from other posters which may give you different perspectives x

Button21

Oops, yes, green light! My lights aren't on right now! Thats my problem!:o:o

Thank you for all your replies!

He is definately working away, isn't on land and I know that for an absolute fact so no doubts there.

He cheated on me after the birth of our first child 7 years ago - that is still a difficult subject and this has just brought things to a head again.

Right now I am out of control, paraniod and unstable. I don't want to be all these things. I want to show him I am in control, albeit not inside but at least from the outside. My ideal scenario would be not to answer the phone again for the next 2 weeks. Is that cruel not to let him speak to the kids? I know if I or the kids pick up, I will just go off on a rant again and be the psycho wife from hell.

Thanks guys xxx

gordikin

To be blunt 2 strikes and he's out as far as I'm concerned. If he was truly sorry about his previous there's no way he should be going (even cyber) anywhere near another woman.

[Deleted User]

I think we completely understand that your emotions are see sawing at the moment.

Personally, I think u need a little time to sort out how u think.

Let the kids speak to your husband but do not speak to him yourself other than to say 'XXX is here to speak to you'. That should increase your feelings of control. Let them phone twice a week if money is short - (particularly if u decide to not let him come back, finances will be up in the air for a while). They should be able to cope with that. What I do when I want to have words with my OH is compartmentalise 'the problem' into one part of my brain and put my 'children need to speak to their father' hat on.., and concentrate purely on that. No reasonable conversation other than screaming matches will happen on the phone anyway, until u are able to see from his body language whether he is speaking the truth. One thing tho.., please don't involve the kids in this, I have no idea how old they are but while their father has behaved disgracefully for a second time.., he is their father and in a child's psyche, u attack their father verbally, u are attacking their ideas about themselves. Plus children have an irrational need to blame themselves rather than their parent for anything that goes wrong. It makes the situation doubly difficult for yourself but best keep the children out of this and any possible discussions about the situation with their father.

Hopefully by the time he is back u will be a bit more able to cope. I am truly sorry this has happened to you.., but yes, I agree, it might not have been physical but it was obviously there in his mind very vividly. Its not so different altho the people in these situations often try and persuade themselves it is. You can fall in love by chatting online (otherwise why do 'meet someone' chat sites exist?) altho how much that feeling is based in reality has to be questioned.

jonty1970

Blimey!
I don't want to call your husband, but he is a fool to mess about again.
He will lose you and his family. Why don't people think of that instead of being selfish and out for their own "fun"

You deserve better than this.
Only you can decide if you want to stay with him. Would you really be able to trust him again?
Could you manage alone?
If you are afraid of being alone, go over what would happen and how you would cope without him, as a single parent!
You CAN do it ( I have in the past) and if you make a few little plans in your head, you will be better able to stand up for yourself.
Lots of women are afraid of ending a marriage because they are afraid of change, but it can be for the better and you have peace of mind knowing you aren't being lied to anymore!
Good Luck whatever you decide!

maggied_2

Sorry to hear this Button - I imagine you're churning.

The fact he's away for a couple of weeks gives you time to gain some control. First of all as has been said let your children speak to him but do not engage him in any conversaation whatsoever - let him be very worried by the time he gets back.

Do you have a reliable friend who doesn't enjoy your bad times - I absolutely know where you're coming from on this one. My OH and I went through an awful time last year and instead of being helpful and trying to understand what we were going through certain of my friends coulnd't help but take the opportunity to gloatingly tell me to dump the **** etc....we're alright now though.

Have you spoken to the other woman at all? Is it still going on?

While you're feeling this throw the bundles of nervous energy you have into looking after your children (and don't bad mouth him in front of them - tempting but unfair) and then work out a serious plan about what you would do if you left him. I realise you don't want to lose him but you're not in a very strong position right now.

Is the house in joint names, do you work, are the children both yours and his etc. See if you could be financially without him.

It might just put you in a mentally strong position when he returns rather then weeping and begging.

We all like to think we'd never hold on to someone who would do something so despicable (and this is nothing short of it) but always easier to say when it's not your life. However you do need to think about how much respect and love a man can have for his wife and mother of his children to carry on in such a seedy and devious way.

Good luck
C x

itsallinthemind

To me- 'finances', 'love' and being a 'single mother-shoc horror(!), do not even come into it.

Question is, can you trust and respect him, if you feel you can not and will not be able to in the future there is no future relationship for you.

Second question is, are you going to regain self respect? Without that you are nothing, a doormat, even if just emotionally.

I would not worry about being 'psycho wife from hell', your angry, upset and feeling highly irrational as anyone would be.

Jo_R_2

I'd be interested to know how he reacted when you confronted him. He knows he was up to no good as he kept it secret despite his protestations that he hasn't 'cheated' or broken his marriage vows. What you need to be clear about is for you, if this is the deal breaker, or if you feel you can forgive.

You might not know right now, and it may become clearer once you have the opportunity when he returns to sit and talk properly, face to face, after having some time to think. Even then you may still be unsure, so as has been suggested, counselling may be the way to go.

I'd say if he approaches the subject on the phone, that you'd rather wait and discuss it properly when he comes back. Has he tried to talk about it since that initial conversation?

brians_daughter

Sorry you are going through this....

many men do not see this as cheating (i cannot recall the titles of any studies off the top of my head but many have been done since the i-net became widely available regarding infidelity and the internet).

I remember when me and my oh hadnt been together a longtime, 12-18 months or so, and i went to his and he left his pc on to answer the door -pc was in living room, where we sat for 3 hours until i realised what kind of site he had been on before i arrived. I asked him about it and he couldn't see how i could perceive it as cheating - he was gobsmacked. I set my boundries there and then as to what is and isnt acceptable and now he knows if he does it (or anyother thing that is on 'my list') ever again he is gone, regardless of anything. I will gladly throw him out/move out with our kids if he did it again.

what i am trying to say is if he doesnt see it as cheating he wont be sitting stewing, he will be puzzled.

You need to sit and write down/email (if he is so far away) WHY it is wrong, how it makes you feel and how it had made you ill over the past few days since finding out and that you see it as cheating and intimacy with another woman. Ask him how would he feel if it was the other way round - usually enough to put things in perspective/get your point across. Even if he still cant see its cheating he will be made aware that by doing it it makes you feel the way it does, and if he loves you he would never willingly hurt you.

Hope youa re ok x