Creepy Man making life hard! LONG

AliasGirl

I am a regular poster but want this to be fairly anonymous.

Since I was a schoolgirl I have had trouble with a man who is around 15 years older than me following me around and making me feel very uncomfortable. I am currently in my 20's and he looks around 40 although I suspect he is in his 30's. My family are in an evangelical christian movement and this man started hanging around me at church when I was a teenager. He would stare at me throughout the service and started saying hello and asking how I was but staying too long if you know what I mean. I was nice and pleasant the first 8 or so times he approached me but I started to feel uncomfortable and embarassed and started having be abrupt as I couldn't get away from him and people were starting to talk. At first my family criticized me and said he is just a shy man with a little crush and he has probably never had a girlfriend. They basically accused me of not liking men and being awkward (I was fine around boys my own age!). Given this was a grown man and I was still at school, I now find this shocking. Over the weeks he started sitting behind me at church and I always felt him staring at me and as though he was listening to my conversation. He started following me around the church and would block my way out so I would have to talk to him on the way out. I tried to devise all sorts of ways to avoid him, leaving through other exits, leaving early etc but he always followed me. I started ignoring him when he spoke to me and my family said I was being very rude and the rest of the church would think I was a horrible girl. They also teased me, it became a joke. However, other people in the church commented that this man had "taken a shine to me" and why on earth would he think a 15 year old girl would be interested in a man nearly double my age - they were more concerned than my family. He had no job, still lived at home with his parents, had no social skills, was overweight, balding and very creepy, even on a hot day he wears a black leather trench coat and a black leather cowboy hat and boots - everytime he was near me I felt he was undressing me with his eyes and he made me feel very uncomfortable. His behaviour progressed. He started following us home from church as we used to walk and found out where I lived. Every week he would follow us (my mum and I) and when it was dark I was scared. We would try different routes home, but he would track us down or appear from an alleyway. He started walking past my house at least three times a day, wearing headphones and staring in the windows. My family still didn't act concerned. This went on for a few years until I couldn't bear it any longer and refused to go back to the church as I spent all my time figuring out how to get away from him. It was mentioned at church previous to this that I had just been in my local Gang Show (I was still in Guides) at the time I felt he was listening to my conversation.

I wasn't in the next gang show (summer) because of exams but I knew I wanted to work with children and so I offered to help at my local scout hut as a leader where all the rainbows, brownies and guides meet as well as beavers and scouts. I was well liked and loved helping with the children and the main scout leader and his wife loved me. One day, I went in the hut to drop off some equipment and stayed to talk to the leader and "my stalker" followed me in. He asked to use the toilet, said he had been "caught short" even though he lived round the corner. I told the leader about him following me and thought nothing of it. Then my "stalker" started following me to the Scout Hut every night I helped there. One day he saw me flirting with a male friend and after that he became more agressive. The next time he followed me back from the Scout Hut he was walking very fast behind me demand I talked to him, he really scared me and I ran across a busy road, nearly getting knocked down, just to get away from him. Next time he followed me, he shouted apologies to me. My family would not take my concerns on board, I think they thought I was making it up.

This is where life really got difficult. Next thing I knew he was "helping" at the Scout Hut, doing odd jobs and doing the lighting and sound for our twice yearly Gang Shows and christmas concert. I raised my issues with the scout leader and his wife but the scout leader poo-pooed it, saying he just had some "mental problems" and I shouldn't be so selfish. He told me to imagine his life, no friends, no job, still living with mum but I couldn't shake the creepy feeling. He told me he had seen his CRB (which was years out of date!) and I should stop being silly. However, one of the scouts Dad's approached me and said he didn't like the man and what on earth was he doing here. He worked for the transport police and was so concerned that he and his wife made sure I got home alright every night after work. He said I should never be alone with this man and complained to the scout leader that he didn't like this man being around children. Still the scout leader refused to budge. I stopped helping at the scout hut to move away to go to uni. When the "stalker" found out I was leaving he backed off. But one night, weeks before I moved away, I drove home (I was driving by now) late at night and as I pulled up in front of my house, a car pulled up sharply in front of me blocking my way into my drive and I saw a figure jump out and run towards my car. It was him. Somehow I was quicker than him and I screamed, running up the path. My mum came out and told me to call the police whilst she went out and demanded to know what the hell he was doing. He couldn't answer and she told him in no uncertain terms to leave me alone, that my dad wanted to kill him for what he had been doing and that she would get the police round to him if he ever came back. I was so scared I didn't call the police. I wish I had. My mum apologised for never taking me seriously and I think she realised he could have done something to me that night. I don't know why she didn't take over and call the police though.
I moved away and forgot about him. Then one day, my dad mentioned he had to go to the electrical store but didn't want to because my "friend" always made a nuisance of himself, following him and asking questions. I asked what he meant and he described this man, gave his name and said he had introduced himself as a "good friend of mine" and offered him discount whilst asking questions about me. I told my dad this was the same man who had stalked me (he had never seen him when I had the trouble) and to complain he couldn't shop in peace. My mother told my dad not to say anything about me, not to say when I was home etc. Then a childhood friend of mine asked if I knew a creepy man called "Fred" (alias), describing my stalker to a T. I asked why and she said, she had been working in the council offices when a came in with a query, he said "I've seen you naked by the way." She was upset, asking what he meant and he told her he used to watch her get changed at the side of stage when she was in the Gang Show - she was 15. He told her he only offered to help because he knew I had been in the previous Gang Show and he had hoped he walk in on me undressing so he offered to help - this would have been the Gang Show I missed because of my school exams. Then he started asking questions about me. Anyway, my friend was VERY shaken.

Which brings us to three years later. The job I want is very competitive so I have to have alot of experience with children so I have been volunteering. When the scout leader heard I'd moved back home he called me up and said he was short of a Brownies and Guides leader, would I be interested? I never imagined the stalker would still be there but my first night helping again I walked in and who did I see? Him. He tried to talk to me, despite my mother having told him if he ever did she would tell the police everything. I angrily told the Scout Leader about the night with the car and that I thought he was dangerous, especially to young girls. He replied he knew but he couldn't get rid of him and he only helps with odd jobs once every few months now so I wouldn't be seeing him. However, since then he has found a "reason" to appear every week on the night I help there. Last week, I was teaching the Brownies a dance for the gang show and I noticed a figure looking through a crack in the frosted glass door. I never twigged it was him until after the group finished. I went to the office and the Scout Leader's wife was there saying he had been hanging around and she couldn't get rid of him. She confided to me that every woman she knew who had helped had complained this man gave her the creeps. She too is now scared but her husband says he won't ask him to leave because he has Asperger's and feels sorry for him. I told her everything he had done over the years and my concerns that this started when I was a kid, what my friend said about watching her naked and that I had just seen him watching the girls through a crack in the door. As I was telling her he came back AGAIN! She told him her husband was busy and she was leaving and escorted me to the carpark. He hung around whilst I got in my car and as I pulled out started walking the way you would go to my house but I purposely went in the opposite direction. The next day the Scout Leader said "I believe he was hanging around you last night. I must admit his reasons for being here didn't correlate." I've only been helping again for a few weeks but now he knows I am back and I really can't face it starting again. I hate seeing him. I hate how he makes me feel and now I am concerned for the kids. I love helping and I do feel it is important to my career but he makes me want to run away. Please tell me - what can I do? My mum says tell the police. But he hasn't done anything except hang around and stare recently. Sorry this is so long.

aspinallkate

he's obviously not right in the head, time to go to the police I think.

kezlou

Unfortunately, i have suggest (demand) that you go to the police, not just for your safety but the young girls as well.
His behaviour is appalling and your parents should have stopped it a look time ago.
As he is working without a full advanced CRB check he shouldn't even be around them.

Go to the police and describe everything in detail. Print your post out and hand it to them in case you forget anything.
Phone the police up now!!

kingfisherblue

I would call the police, but I would also contact the Scout Association for advice - it's disgraceful that the scout leader has failed to act before now.

In the meantime, I would also consider looking for new premises for Brownies and Guides - somewhere that he would not have easy access to.

You have a responsibility to the girls in your care, to keep them safe. As you know this man is a potential danger to children, you need further help from your District or Division Commissioner. If needs be, contact your County 'Safe From Harm' advisor.

Does your local library have a community room? Or is there a community centre nearby? If you use premises where there are other adults about, and where you can close/lock the door, you will be able to keep the children and yourself safer. You are also less likely to be a keyholder. Always make sure that the girls have a responsible adult to collect them and ensure that there is somebody else with you when you leave.

Don't try to deal with this on your own - you need the support of your commissioners. Informing the police might be enough for them to speak to this man, which in turn might be enough to make him keep away from you. If he continues to harrass you, you will have evidence of a previouos complaint and this can be used to build a case.

Good luck x

AnnaLicious_2

That is frightening.
Firstly - he has developed an unhealthy interest in you when you were underage. This also seems to have included a friend of yours. He also told your friend he watched her change clothes.
Secondly - he is working around other young children.

Phoning the police may not do any good, to be honest, unless you get a child protection officer. Phone the NSPCC on 0808 800 5000 for advice on how to proceed. You need to protect those other children. I would also contact the national headquarters of the guides. The local branch isn't following child protection procedures unless there is a valid enhanced CRB, which is updated every year. It doesn't matter how often he is there, he has regular contact with children.

I would phone them today, to protect yourself and other young children.

Brighton_belle

OP this is awful. YOu really need to go to the police so at least there is stuff on record, so if it escalates further then they are already clued up. They also may be able to tell you about the law and when it would be considered he has crossed the line etc. You never know, here may be other initial reports on record and your report is the one that tips the balance into a caution being given etc.
Remeber , you are not just doing this for your self but other young girls who deserve theprotection no one offered you.

Rather shocked at your families attitude when you were younger OP.

Don't forget how many religious & 'well meaning'people turned a blind eye to other vulnerable people in a church set up. This has to stop doesn't it.
Rights and responsibilities. Someone with problems has the right to be treated fairly, but doesn't have the right to enanger the well being, mental or physical of others.

carefullycautious

This sounds just like a work collegue who told me they had exactly the same thing happen at her local church. A man with mental health issues had targetted the church to get close to certain woman.

The police were informed immediateley and it was found that he had been doing this at other churches.

Your parents really should have informed the police all those years ago. This man is a nuisance to young children and woman.

AliasGirl

I suppose I am worried the police won't take me seriously. I just wish the scout leader would get rid of him, his CRB is 5 years out of date and the night with the car was 3 years ago so he could have done anything in that time. BTW, my mum now feels very guilty for not protecting me when I was young to the point where she scares off any men who talk to me when she is there (:o), she is saying she will tell the police if I don't and I think I should because of the kids not me.

AnnaLicious_2

Five years? Goodness. It has to be done every year to be around children. This is really shocking behaviour by the scout group. Changes have happened in the law in the past 5 years, so a new one could flag up things that may have been unreported in the past.

Do you really need to be part of this troop? You said you need work with children on your CV. Have you contacted your local sure start children's centre for volunteer opportunities? I've worked with numerous ones and they always need help running groups. Or the local school? They should all have extended services programmes at least in development that perhaps you could help with. Contact the local council children's services department and ask for references or ideas.

sueeve

If the police do not know they cannot act. There will be an experienced officer in charge of child protection, wity regard to the young people in your care, and for you and others who are being staked. Stalking is a criminal offence.

mrcow

1. Call the police - today.
2. Escalate this within the Scouts - if that many parents and women have complained then something needs to be looked at. Tell them that you have informed the police but inform them too about his out of date CRB - they won't take it lightly.
3. Get yourself a personal attack alarm - today. And use it if he comes anywhere near you when you are alone.
4. If he approaches you, tell him to f*** off. He's not your friend or your responsibilty.