Diplomatic dilemma re: in-laws and moving - any advice?

RAS

In which case, now is the time to reclaim the main bedroom.

Errata

Maybe the $64k question is, when the couple are in their new home will they be able, whenever they choose, to: have a screaming shouting row, have a screaming shouting bit of hanky panky in any room in the house, have their friends round until 5 in the morning being raucous, do whatever they wish in any room in the house whenever they wish to do it.
If they answer to all or most of these is no, then some very hard thinking needs to be done by all concerned, because other couples in their first new home won't be constrained as they will be, and is that right and fair ?

Jowo_2

Deleted_User wrote: »

Just to make it clear - I'm not being an unfair old sod here - I love the in-laws and they're welcome round pretty much any time...but it's more a matter of making sure that there's an acceptable line between visiting our home and living there.

I'm definitely not trying to oust them or put them on the street, and I enjoy their company whenever they're round, but I just can't have them living here 5 months of the year I'm afraid!

Anyway, judging by my other thread it looks like this purchase might fall through anyway so maybe someone above is trying to tell me something!

OK, but what is the main problem(s) - the duration of the visit? a worry that they think its their home not yours? the amount of belongings/mail that is there? the fact they monopolised the best space in your house? loss of privacy? fear you'll end up as their carers? being taken advantage of?

Because a lot of this is resolvable if you actually prioritise and identify the main problem, rather than just try to ban them from the next property. Some of the issues seem easy to resolve if done diplomatically whereas the sudden withdrawal of hospitality when you are swimming with space could feel like a personal attack.

List ALL the issues in order of impact/annoyance.

getmore4less

What does the oh think is acceptable?

Have you actualy sat down and gone through this with her in depth?

Did this not come up when discusing the requirements for a new place?

[Deleted User]

Jowo wrote: »

OK, but what is the main problem(s) - the duration of the visit? a worry that they think its their home not yours? the amount of belongings/mail that is there? the fact they monopolised the best space in your house? loss of privacy? fear you'll end up as their carers? being taken advantage of?

Because a lot of this is resolvable if you actually prioritise and identify the main problem, rather than just try to ban them from the next property. Some of the issues seem easy to resolve if done diplomatically whereas the sudden withdrawal of hospitality when you are swimming with space could feel like a personal attack.

List ALL the issues in order of impact/annoyance.

Ok, so here's what we find disagreeable:

Not being able to relax in our own home; when they're in we're expected to entertain while they sit on the sofa (!)

Struggle to get access to things while they are in the way; bathrooms busy, showers in use, sofa full.

Being eaten out of house and home, no contribution towards resources

Valuable space in the home being taken up with their crap

Their mail being redirected to our house and us having to deal with all their correspondence

Around that it's the general frequency of their visits that bothers us and that they view the house as 'their home'. It's not their home. We can't just 'do as we like' when they are around because we have to keep the noise down (and I don't mean rude stuff!).

Mainly though we just can't relax when they are there because we always feel like we have to be the entertainers.

[Deleted User]

getmore4less wrote: »

What does the oh think is acceptable?

Have you actualy sat down and gone through this with her in depth?

Did this not come up when discusing the requirements for a new place?

My OH is on my side mostly, but has a slight twinge more sympathy for her parents than I do. The issue is that she's a bit of a walkover and her sister is more selfish, which is why the in-laws stay at ours 90% of the time and not her sister's.

Jowo_2

ooh, multiple annoyances on every level...so it looks like you need a multiple plan of attack, not least because your OH is likely to cave in at the first sob story when you try to push back...

puddy

just hearing about the problems and the way they have used your home makes me feel claustrophobic and uncomfortable, i dont know how you have stood it this long to be honest

Fire_Fox

We have all come up with loads of solutions, have you previously tried any of them? Are any acceptable to you? Do you really need to move to a four bedroom house or is this more about the current house feeling cramped as you don't have the use of half of it? Could you cope with their mail if you didn't have to cope with the rest?

I think the four bedroom house plan is contributing to the current problems in a major way. Firstly the in-laws probably think you are trading up to accommodate them and secondly they won't be thinking you cannot afford to pay for the bills and all the food when you are leaping so far up the property ladder.

Last paragraph I am going to ask what do YOU realistically think the solution is? Is your OH willing to address this with her parents or are you going to have do the dirty deed? Can they afford to rent somewhere of their own? Would they sell up and move back to the UK? Is there no chance of blackmailing siblings into sharing the load?

[Deleted User]

Fire_Fox wrote: »

We have all come up with loads of solutions, have you previously tried any of them? Are any acceptable to you? Do you really need to move to a four bedroom house or is this more about the current house feeling cramped as you don't have the use of half of it? Could you cope with their mail if you didn't have to cope with the rest?

I think the four bedroom house plan is contributing to the current problems in a major way. Firstly the in-laws probably think you are trading up to accommodate them and secondly they won't be thinking you cannot afford to pay for the bills and all the food when you are leaping so far up the property ladder.

Last paragraph I am going to ask what do YOU realistically think the solution is? Is your OH willing to address this with her parents or are you going to have do the dirty deed? Can they afford to rent somewhere of their own? Would they sell up and move back to the UK? Is there no chance of blackmailing siblings into sharing the load?

I think there's lots of great advice here from everyone, so thank you, and lots of things for me to do next.

So, this is what I'm going to do:

Sit down with my OH tonight and discuss everything everyone's posted.

Then, we're going to:

- Tell them how space will be limited in the new house and how we need the wardrobe back

- Ask them whether they still need it stored or what they can take back (or get rid of)

- See if they'd mind us boxing some of it up and keeping in the attic

Then:

- Not give them keys to the new property

- Leave the spare bedroom until last for decorating, furnishing etc.

Finally, I think the key thing is to speak to them and just say - if they get funny - that this living arrangement isn't working and that they're welcome to stay, but that it needs to be fair. If they want to stay more often then it needs to be split between the siblings. I think that's the missing thing here - that the other siblings aren't pulling their weight.