Diplomatic dilemma re: in-laws and moving - any advice?

[Deleted User]

Sorry if this is a bit off-topic but this seemed like the best place to put this thread:

At present I live with my fiancee, in a 2-bedroom house that she owns in her name. As others may be aware, we're buying a 4-bed place together in joint names at present and should be moving in a few months.

The issue is this...

My OH's parents, around 3 years ago, bought a holiday villa in Malta in an expat type resort, but after the property crash they ended up selling their UK home and moving out there permanently.

However, my mother-in-law's mother - who is very very old and lives here in London - has been unwell for the past few years and so my in-laws regularly fly back and forth from Malta to the UK. In fact, last year they spent almost half the year in England.

All fine, except they don't have a home over here any more...so guess where they always end up staying? Of course, our house. Which is totally fine, but the issue I have is that our second bedroom at present is very much 'THEIR ROOM' and rather than asking us whether they can stay, they just assume that this is their home when they visit, which - as I said - can sometimes be 5 months in any one year.

The purpose of this thread isn't to moan, but actually to ask advice...because I'm worried that when we move home (and now that the house is in my name too) they are going to view it as their home and automatically assume they can occupy one of the rooms with all their stuff and belongings.

I don't want to sound rude as I like them a lot, but my OH and I find it increasingly problematic. They assume that this is their home when they visit the UK and in our present house we have to write off a whole room to their belongings (that they couldn't take to Malta). This is despite the fact my OH has siblings of her own, none of which offer to host their parents (we are the closest to the airport).

But now that we're buying together, I want to lay down the law firmly but fairly at the beginning that they are welcome to stay at any time, but that this is OUR house, not theirs, and that they shouldn't assume that they can stay. Of course, they are more than welcome, but I don't see why we should sacrifice 1/4 of our house just because of their unwise investment in the overseas property market.

As a good example, we met up with them yesterday and my mother-in-law told us that she'd just driven round on a diversion to view our new house to show her husband (who's just flown in from Malta) where they are going to be living! Not where WE are going to be living (my OH and I) but THEY!!! It is not THEIR home!

At present, all of their post gets redirected here, including all their junk mail - and they receive more post at our address than we do. They have a whole room (the master bedroom in fact) all to themselves and all the cupboards are full with their belongings. This bedroom also houses the shower, so when they stay I can't access the shower room and have to go to the gym before work just to wash. Our house is too small for two people - which is why we're moving - let alone for four!

Any ideas for how we can resolve this diplomatically and sensitively? We don't want to turn them away, but I feel they're taking the mickey a bit by camping at our house for 5 months of the year and occupying a room of our house with all their junk...and when we move I want this to stop.

poppysarah

Without wanting to get in a fight with you - what are you planning to do with all these extra rooms?

If you hgave genuine reasons for wanting the extra space (nursery, study, art room, sewing room, etc_) then it becomes a non argument... you *won't* have room for their stuff...
But if you're just doing it to put your foot down then you're going to find it harder to do this sensitively.

Get lodgers, claim your getting lodgers or get loads of large stuff that needs not to be disturbed (art - esp oil paint is horrid when it gets on clothes etc AND smells not very nice so you can't sleep in that room.

You could probably do with moving their stuff now ahead of the move - but again needs doing carefully. You might have to make it complicated and say your new house isn't ready yet and so has everything to go into storage so they need to sort that out and start paying for it.

You will be seen as satan personified I reckon though... but short of giving them the smallest room and never having a spare bed in your new big house I'm not sure of the right answer.

Be prepared for family fallout.

[Deleted User]

poppysarah wrote: »

Without wanting to get in a fight with you - what are you planning to do with all these extra rooms?

Firstly, it's not a very big four-bed house.

One room = ours
Second room = study
Third room = Spare bedroom
Fourth room = Storeroom (for now), nursery/kids room later

We bought the house with a long-term view of it being somewhere we can have kids with enough space for toddlers and children to grow up, all being well.

The issue isn't that we don't want a spare bedroom...but that we want it to be just that, a 'SPARE BEDROOM' and not 'IN-LAW'S ROOM'. That's the real issue here - the way they are tagging rooms as 'their's' when it is not their house. We regularly have people come to stay, but the issue I have (and maybe I'm being unreasonable?) is that I am very sure they plan on transferring all their junk over into our spare room and from then on it will be seen as 'their room'; when they visit the UK in future they will automatically assume that this is their home for all intents and purposes.

We never get asked whether we can stay...they just turn up (they have keys) and notify us in advance they'll be coming over. I'm very sure that in the new house they will also be leaving their car on the driveway when they are in Malta.

Secondly, regardless of how many rooms the house has, it's not their house, so we should be entitled to do what we like with them whether that's turning one into a bar, another into a games room or anything else!


I'm quite happy to store their stuff somewhere, like the attic...out of the way (the house is quite small and not much storage space, hence we we're planning on using one bedroom for storage for now) and nicely boxed and stored safely, but what I object to is them making the assumption that this is their home, when it is ours.

cheepskate_2

What's your fiancee's take on it and why is she not discussing/talking to her parents. I would assume that if this bothers her so much that she would have at least said something in passing before it gets to a head .

getmore4less

Sound like it may be to late, if the place fits they will be living there

Just upping to 4 beds is not a solution.

Could move a lot further away.

You might want to look at places with a proper annexe, if more expensive get them to stump up some money.

If you carry on with a standard 4 bed needs to have a self contaied seccond bedroom/bathroom and if you want that yourself 2 ensuites min.

What sort of place does the MIL MIL live in if it is to visit/suppot why are they not staying there?

Sammy85_2

Deleted_User wrote: »

We never get asked whether we can stay...they just turn up (they have keys) and notify us in advance they'll be coming over. I'm very sure that in the new house they will also be leaving their car on the driveway when they are in Malta.

There's your answer. DONT GIVE THEM KEYS!

If they dont have keys to the new house then they cant let themselves in, they will have to ASK you if they want to stay. If they ask for a set then say you're not giving out keys, they should get the message.

blue-bells_2

What a difficult situation!

What does your OH say about this? I appreciate how frustrated you must be- it's completely understandable. It's YOUR home and you need space and time together as a couple. Could you speak to you OH's siblings? Could they be of any help at all?

[Deleted User]

My OH doesn't like having them stay, to be honest.

To begin with it was fine as they only visited 3 or 4 times a year, for no more than a week at a time. However, with our elderly relative regularly popping in/out of hospital the visits have become so frequent that I actually see my mother-in-law (who 'lives' several thousand miles away) more frequently than my own mother who lives 20 miles round the M25, sadly.

To be fair to them, I'm sure they don't enjoy this arrangement either, but they're stuck in a trap. They have spare equity in their overseas home that they could release, but not enough to buy somewhere here in the UK. They did suggest the idea of lending us money for a deposit and in return us buying somewhere with an annexe for them to live in, but - not to be rude - I would hate that arrangement, as would my OH!

I think the problem is that this have gone on for so long already that it's just tolerated by my OH, and now I look like the baddie for suggesting this might not be a great living arrangement!

In response to getmore4less, they stay at ours as my OH's siblings are having a baby so no space there, plus we're quite close to the airport. Additionally, the grandmother who is ill lives in a sort of sheltered accommodation, so there's no guest room facility there and no hotels nearby. They won't stay with my OH's sister as she's a few miles further out and with the baby there's no space really.

It IS quite a difficult situation.

silvercar

Next time thay are here ask them what they plan to do with their stuff because it will need to be cleared before the move. Tell them you have hired a xx van for the move but doubt it will have room in it for their stuff. Say you are looking forward to having them to stay once you are settled but obviously you won't be able to have visitors for a few weeks until you are sorted. Give them the name of the local travelodge/ B&B.
Of course all this should come from their daughter not their son-in-law.

Jowo_2

You are not being unreasonable at all. Its your house, your rules and you are being taken advantage of.

Sounds like you are going to have to have a diplomatic chat with them which could end up in tears because of their sense of entitlement and expectations, particularly as they are aware how roomy your new property is.

You are going to have to ask them for their long term strategy with regards to their care needs when they are older because it could end up by default as you....EDIT: the annexe suggestion sounds like they are aiming to grow old with you and at your expense...ouch.

Instead of presenting it as an issue, present some solutions, such as details of local storage companies so they can arrange the storage of their belongings there. You could give them details of how PO boxes work and suggest that they open an account with the post office or one of the high street mailbox services or see if there is an overseas forwarding service.

Also, your OH should call round his siblings and get their consent to host their parents so that they are aware that they will receive hospitality from them, too, and share the responsibility across the year. Get a plan together with them all to share the hosting and present this when you have a chat. Much better to present a solution rather than just appear to be withdrawing your support and shunning them.

Jowo_2

Deleted_User wrote: »

In response to getmore4less, they stay at ours as my OH's siblings are having a baby so no space there, plus we're quite close to the airport. Additionally, the grandmother who is ill lives in a sort of sheltered accommodation, so there's no guest room facility there and no hotels nearby. They won't stay with my OH's sister as she's a few miles further out and with the baby there's no space really.

Do they drive? If so, they can hire one to visit the elderly parent and drive to a local B&B.

Can the OH sister put a sofa bed in the living room? Or have a travel cot and fold away double bed so the baby can be in the same room as them when her parents stay?