Diplomatic dilemma re: in-laws and moving - any advice?

tanith

I agree an awkward situation but lots of ideas for you to mull over... also check out the Sheltered Accommadation where the Elderly relatives lives as most of the ones I have had contact with over the years do have accommadation available for visiting family... check it out yourself ...

easy

Oh Blimey Bungle, What a situation, I can see why this is a problem, I guess the parents staying just sort of happened more and more over the months, until it has become seen as the normal situation to them.

I don't think there is a 'diplomatic' answer to this, I think your fiancee just has to sit them down, and gently but firmly point out the facts.

You could do it together, but I suspect you will be seen as the villain in all this, and tempers might rise, there could well be tears. You and your fiancee need to be prepared to cope with the emotional fall-out this will bring.

Do it soon, don't let the situation get any closer to your house move. Then you can start to get the parents' belongings moved out (little by little), maybe into storage or distributed to the siblings place, so the actual house move will be easier.

It sounds like the parents need to properly decide what they need to do, sell up in Malta and move back, or spend less time in the UK.

Would you and your fiancee (and her siblings) be able to offer more support to the grandparent, so the parents didn't need to be here so often?

You have my sympathies, but you need to bite the bullet and do this soon.

[Deleted User]

Yes, I agree that presenting a solution is the way forward: I actually feel quite sorry for them too, living out of other people's houses and no doubt feeling quite unwelcome and intrusive at times!

I think the first thing for us to do is say that we will be needing their wardrobes as we don't have enough storage space in the new house, so that will immediately mean their belongings need a home. Like I said, I'm happy for us to box things up and keep it stored in the attic, but we'll need some space ourselves.

Do you think I should leave this to my OH though? I would be seen as a villain, but this perhaps she should be the diplomatic one as it's her parents?

At least there is light at the end of the tunnel I suppose - I expect they will return to the UK in a few years when they can sell their property for an amount that's enough to get them a place over here.

[Deleted User]

Jowo wrote: »

Do they drive? If so, they can hire one to visit the elderly parent and drive to a local B&B.

Can the OH sister put a sofa bed in the living room? Or have a travel cot and fold away double bed so the baby can be in the same room as them when her parents stay?

They both drive and have a car over here.

The current arrangement is a bit like a triangle:

My father-in-law's son lives with his partner. They keep the car there and he drives the car when the parents are in Malta.

My OH and I live together and that's where my parents-in-law reside when in the UK, having collected the car from above.

My OH's sister lives close too, but the parents-in-law won't stay there for various reasons (house too small, baby, further from airport etc).

So, a typical visit would mean going from the airport to the son's house to collect the car, driving to ours and then staying there before returning the car and being dropped off at the airport on the way back.

I think what they want to do though is keep the car at ours so they have one base which is very close (under 10 miles) to the airport.

catpea33

I agree with previous commentors that any decision that's made has to be relayed to your OH's parents by your OH. They'll forgive her much easier but you'll not come off too well if you do it yourself. They seem to be taking advantage because you and your OH have allowed them to. It's time to lay down some ground rules and if they don't like it then that's their problem.

First off, I wouldn't give them the keys to your new house. If they want to stay then they have to ask and you have to agree to it. I'd also try and make their stay as uncomfortable as possible so they want to stay less by giving them camp beds to sleep on. It might sound harsh but why should they get their own room with a nice comfortable bed? If that's what they're looking for then they could stay in a hotel.

Lastly, I'm not sure how long it is until you move but I'd swap rooms at your flat if that's what you want. It doesn't make any sense for them to have the master bedroom and for you to have to shower at work. You shouldn't be put out every time they stay.

[Deleted User]

catpea33 wrote: »

I'd also try and make their stay as uncomfortable as possible so they want to stay less by giving them camp beds to sleep on. It might sound harsh but why should they get their own room with a nice comfortable bed? If that's what they're looking for then they could stay in a hotel.

Lastly, I'm not sure how long it is until you move but I'd swap rooms at your flat if that's what you want. It doesn't make any sense for them to have the master bedroom and for you to have to shower at work. You shouldn't be put out every time they stay.

Both great points. If I had my way, I think a sensible thing would be to have a sofa-bed in the spare bedroom so that it is not seen as a permanent residence in their eyes.

In terms of swapping rooms, no point now as we're moving in a couple of months (assuming it all goes through).

I agree though that not automatically giving them a key is a good idea - it makes them ask for it which sets the tone for the rest of the moving process.

silvercar

I think the first thing for us to do is say that we will be needing their wardrobes as we don't have enough storage space in the new house, so that will immediately mean their belongings need a home.

Not quite right. You will be needing your wardrobes back.....

getmore4less

Proximity to the airport is I think a red herring now they are on extended stays. Fine if they were in/out on a regular basis.

They have a car they could live anywhere

Where is the granny place/hospital relative to each of you?


Think this should have come up and been sorted before you picked a new place to move to.

[Deleted User]

getmore4less wrote: »

Proximity to the airport is I think a red herring now they are on extended stays. Fine if they were in/out on a regular basis.

They have a car they could live anywhere

Where is the granny place/hospital relative to each of you?


Think this should have come up and been sorted before you picked a new place to move to.

But what's it got to do with them? We should pick a place to move to based on OUR needs, not theirs?

Granny lives in South London (Croydon ish) - 45 minutes drive from us (Bromley).

[Deleted User]

silvercar wrote: »

Not quite right. You will be needing your wardrobes back.....

Yep - see what I mean? Even I have been indoctrinated to think that this room is their room.