Diplomatic dilemma re: in-laws and moving - any advice?

tabskitten

Only thing that I have to say is that we always got on fantastically with my in laws- until we lived with them for 6 months whilst waiting for our completion.

Never been the same since.

puddy

where does the brother in law live (your oh's brother?) why cant they stay with him

also just after moving,(if they are staying around that time) i would make it as uncomfortable and upleasant as you can (without causing yourself distress of course), by keeping a load of things in boxes in every possible room, piled high with unpacked things and keep talking about your plans for where things are going, clearly making the point that your things are going in all the rooms

decorate the spare room with nursery type things in preparation for the tiime when you'll be having children, (although that might put pressure on your plans in your psyche)

but really, the best way is to make it clear whats happening, they can stay, but it needs to be planned, your home is not a storage facility and they need to take it in turns between the other sibs. you say theres no room at your sister in laws,,,, well at present it sounds like theres no room at yours either

Cissi

Deleted_User wrote: »

In terms of swapping rooms, no point now as we're moving in a couple of months (assuming it all goes through).

I think there would be a lot of point in doing this now, as you'd be setting down a marker for the future - sounds like this is badly needed! Explain that you need/want access to the ensuite whether or not you have visitors.

I get the feeling that they almost see YOU as a visitor rather than a "permanent installment" as it were. Is it possible that they feel some entitlement to the house because your OH owned it before you came into the picture? Did they help her acquire it at all - if not financially perhaps with moving in etc?

You need to make it clear that this is now YOUR home as well as hers, and of course this will be even more the case in your new house. I would do this gently but firmly over then next few months, before the move. Swap the rooms round, and in doing so explain that at least some of their belongings will need to be boxed up to make space for other visitors/using the spare room as a study/whatever you can think of. The sooner they start getting the message the better - what if your house purchase doesn't go through? You need to get this situation resolved regardless.

Jowo_2

My main advice, mentioned by other posters, is that while you suffer the problem, its basically your OH's responsibility to sort out directly with them, obviously she can make it clear that it's a joint decision.

Sure, you can help research some of the solutions and do the preparation, but human nature says they could see you as the instigator or lash out at you because its easier than being cross with her.

[Deleted User]

Cissi wrote: »

I get the feeling that they almost see YOU as a visitor rather than a "permanent installment" as it were. Is it possible that they feel some entitlement to the house because your OH owned it before you came into the picture? Did they help her acquire it at all - if not financially perhaps with moving in etc?

Yes, you've hit the nail on the head, although they didn't help her financially. It's just that as it has always been HER house they've seen it as a place they can stay...and now I've moved into the picture they're less welcome.

It sounds to me like there's lots of good advice here and I'll sit down with my OH later this evening to digest it together and see if she agrees. If anything, she's in a more awkward position as it's her house and her parents, but I think what we'll do is:

- Ask in-laws what they intend to do with their belongings when we move
- Not give them a key to the new property
- Set the spare room up as a spare room
- Stress how we will be requiring much of the space for ourselves

ninky_2

what a nightmare!

why don't you (actually your OH) ask them if they would like you to look into storage for their stuff and how much that might cost them? tell them you realise they might not have time to get it sorted and that obviously as you are moving home the stuff in the bedroom needs to go somewhere. then it is beholden on them to ask if they can move the stuff to your new home, which gives you room to refuse on the basis that the reason you are moving is you really need a larger house for the lifestyle you are planning. there will be a spare room with a sofa bed for occasional visiting guests but you want this to be available for various guests you want to come over so it won't really be appropriate to have their stuff stored in it.

you are not being unreasonable so have confidence in this. there is no need to be nasty over it but just be assertive. it is your home and you have a right to who lives in it.

in addition, if they are using your home as a postal address and for long periods of stay in this country your mortgage lenders would have something to say about it.

[Deleted User]

ninky wrote: »

in addition, if they are using your home as a postal address and for long periods of stay in this country your mortgage lenders would have something to say about it.

Really? What might the implications of this be?

Most of the post is just crappy Innovations catalogues and junk, but I don't want to suffer any ill effects if they are living here for periods of the year.

Jowo_2

To be honest, I don't think there will be any kinds of issues with having their post delivered to yours (other than it shows a big expectation that they can do this even though they haven't asked permission and it flags up their sense of entitlement).

Mortgage lenders often have restrictions on residential mortgages to demand that the owner seeks permission to have lodgers or let out to tenants, restrictions against having relatives there, but I can't see how non-paying visitors would breach this.

Also, even if post involves debts and such like, it goes against the person, not the address and should not cause credit problems for the other people in the household.

pingu2209

My best friend was in this situation. Her father in law had keys to their house to help them walk the dog when she was at work. Her mother in law was a health freak and didn't buy any biscuits etc. so the father in law would come in each day and help himself.

The thing for my friend was money was tight and she would buy 'just enough' for children's pack lunches etc but kept ending up running out of food mid week. In the end she politely asked him not to eat the children's food but he denied doing it.

The dog died in the end and she asked for the keys back. It was awkward at first but after a few months it got back to normal.

I bet your inlaws know that they are pushing the boundaries but because it is difficult for them don't think about it because it would mean having to sort other accommodation out.

Personally, with the new house I would not give them keys.

Secondly, does the new house have a garage? I would be a bit kinder than other suggestions and say that you are happy to store their belongings currently in your spare room in the garage because you would like to have your spare room back.

Thirdly, I would ask that they stay at other siblings as you would like privacy to start a family of your own.

Cannon_Fodder

Jowo wrote: »

Also, even if post involves debts and such like, it goes against the person, not the address and should not cause credit problems for the other people in the household.

Except if the daughter has the same initial as the mother, perhaps?
(while still a fiance)