Diplomatic dilemma re: in-laws and moving - any advice?

puddy

http://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-24516172.html?sortByPriceDescending=true&maxPrice=300000&minBedrooms=2&maxBedrooms=2&secondaryDisplayPropertyType=semidetachedhouses&radius=3.0&pageNumber=1&backToListURL=%2Fproperty-for-sale%2FOrpington.html%3FsortByPriceDescending%3Dtrue%26maxPrice%3D300000%26minBedrooms%3D2%26maxBedrooms%3D2%26secondaryDisplayPropertyType%3Dsemidetachedhouses%26radius%3D3.0

or like that,,, which means you put the sofa bed in one of the reception rooms, their stuff in the loft and make it clear that this is YOUR house

getmore4less

How often is granny getting a visit while onthese extended stays?

Are they renting out this villa while living with you?


Another angle

With the new house no TV or internet(allthough I could not do without).

Also remind them that they will make great babysitters when they come.

Got any mates that need sitters bring their kids round and go out.

puddy

getmore4less wrote: »

Got any mates that need sitters bring their kids round and go out.

now that is a genius idea, do it nice and casually, make sure the child is he child from hell and keep doing it

Ulfar

elisebutt65 wrote: »

OMG - that's quite drastic and I thought you had to go over to Dignitas in Switzerland for that kind of thing???:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Not quite the way I meant it, but he can be a bit much once he gets going.

carefullycautious

Im afraid if it was me I would be honest about what is actually going to happen. The worst thing to do is tell white lies as you just get yourselves into a pickle whereby you are having to do things you dont really want like take in weekday lodgers just to prevent them coming.

So just state that now you are moving in together into your new home things are having to change so that you can have more privacy to develop your relationship. Do good news bad news ie. we are really looking forward to having time to ourselves to decorate so you will need to look for storage to allow us to do this as we can no longer accommodate two families belongings.
We are looking forward to having friends and other family stay so can no longer accommodate 5 monthly stays, but would be happy for the odd week.
Do the same with any grievance you have good news then bad. Write a list of the things you wish to change like reclaiming keys, making them ask (not tell you) in advance if they can stay and being able to say this is not convenient. THe master bedroom is yours no negotiation. If you stop making it so comfortable for them they will go elsewhere.

Hope this helps, stay calm and dont give in to what is emotional blackmail.
You must state what is going to happen and not waiver or you will be back to square one.

poppysarah

If the OP's OH isn't fully behind wanting the space to themselves then it's all doomed. It does need sorting out prior to any move so people can have rows and perhaps fall out forever if it's going to happen BEFORE a huge joint financial committment is made.
If you don't do it before then your OH might turn round and say they have changed their mind and they want their parents to have two rooms at the new house and then you're stuffed!

[Deleted User]

So...I sat down with my OH and discussed everything with her and she agrees with pretty much all of the above advice - and also agrees that this is a genuine problem.

We felt that probably the most effective solution would be the simple act of not giving them the keys to the property - as then they can't just come and go as they please - and they would have to ask us if they can come to stay. My OH is also going to speak to her siblings to see if they could shoulder some of the visits too.

We've decided that we're going to decorate the spare bedroom last and we won't be putting any furniture in there for now as it's not a priority. In fact, we'll be taking the furniture that's currently in our spare bedroom and using it for our main bedroom, which means that the spare room in the new house should be viewed as a very temporary accommodation solution only.

We're going to ask them to sort their junk out and store it in the attic if required, which we're happy to do, and stress that we're not willing to provide a home for their car while they're away in Malta.

We've asked that they purchase a PO Box and have their mail redirected to there, rather than sending stuff to our address.

Hopefully this should set the groundrules before the move - we may go so far as not to put a bed in the spare room yet just to signal our intentions.

If they do approach us about it, then we'll have a frank conversation and share our concerns.

Ulfar

Its no good just not giving them keys, what happens when they turn up on the doorstep unannounced.

What happens when you let them visit, lend them keys and they get another set cut.

They already have the expectation that they are going to have accommodation at your new house.

It needs to be made very plain and mater of fact that this will not be the case in advance.

Cissi

I agree with Ulfar: as painful as it will be, I think you both need to have a frank conversation with OH's parents. You seem to have a great relationship with your in-laws, which is impressive after having lived with this situation for so long. If you just put them in front of a "done deed" this will almost certainly cause a huge rift. Hints are all very well, but they leave the way open to all kinds of speculation/guesswork and misunderstandings. If you explain your position honestly and positively, stressing that you do value their company as occasional guests - yes they'll be upset initially, but hopefully you'll all be able to move on. If they suddenly realise that they've been ousted they may read much more into it than you really intend, for example "DD's OH can't stand us/is trying to come between us and her" and this could damage your relationship forever. There is a huge risk of this affecting your longterm relationship with OH too.

As Ulfar said, what happens the day they turn up unannounced? Or even when they phone saying "granny is worse, we're coming on Saturday"? A bit late then to say "sorry, there is no bed for you". At least if they're forewarned they have a chance to make other arrangements. It doesn't sound like you want them NEVER to visit, yet they could easily get this impression and take great offense.

This isn't an easy one and could so easily go very wrong. I think honesty is the only option, really.

puddy

Ulfar wrote: »

Its no good just not giving them keys, what happens when they turn up on the doorstep unannounced.

What happens when you let them visit, lend them keys and they get another set cut.

They already have the expectation that they are going to have accommodation at your new house.

It needs to be made very plain and mater of fact that this will not be the case in advance.

who is going to tell them this and how - over the phone, by letter, email, face to face??