Diplomatic dilemma re: in-laws and moving - any advice?

missile

Seems like you have gotten into a situation by being considerate to their needs and it is time you considered your own. Unfortunately this will end in tears

Bogof_Babe

In post #81 you're still using the word "stay" instead of "visit", despite an earlier poster emphasising the subtle difference. You really do need to get your own mindset sorted before charging in with all these new ground rules. Any chink in your armour will be used to play the "you're a nasty man" card.

They need to be considered no more or less important than any other short terms guests you might invite, with whom it would naturally be understood that they come at your convenience and don't outstay the agreed period.

How about sitting down with a calendar next time you are all together, and telling them when it would be convenient for them to visit during the next few months, and when it wouldn't. Then make sure they are under no illusion that the agreed dates are set in stone, take it or leave it.

Are any of the bedrooms ensuite at the new house? Make sure you earmark the best and biggest one for yourselves right from the start.

motherofstudents

I do symathise with you because this could cause a lot of bad feeling if you (unintentionally) upset the inlaws. Did they establish this moving in with your girlfriend before you were around ? if so you will be the bad guy -well you will anyway. I would suggest you are honest with them as if you invent stories, even in an attempt to avoid upsetting them, they will probably find out and it will only make things worse. You do need your own space and I get the impression that they have either genuinely not realised what they are doing or are really taking advantage of your hospitality. As I don't know them I wouldn't like to say which but as parents we are usually afraid to be seen as interfering. My situation is similar but in reverse if you like. My kids bring friends to stay and in particular the girlfriend of 5 years has practically moved in. They can't afford to get a place of their own yet. I feel sometimes that I would like my own space. When we sold a house a few years ago we had not found anywhere so we all moved in with my mother (2 adults, 2 teenagers and 2 dogs), we stayed about 3 months and then we did it again a few years later. When my mum suffered a bad fall we had her staying here with us but as we did not have a spare bedroom we had to put a single bed in the lounge. She was here for 6 months and we wanted to build an extension so she would have some privacy but she wouldn't stay any longer and bought a flat. Sorry I have waffled on. All I am trying to say is be careful as family is important but just talk it through calmly with them and I hope it goes well for you all.

[Deleted User]

Well we're seeing them on Friday so hopefully that will be an opportunity to discuss this then.

As others have pointed out, this has been going on for so long that I'm confused and have started using words like 'stay' rather than 'visit'...referring to things as 'their wardrobe' and 'their room'...but I don't want you to think that there's any kind of animosity towards them: far from it. They're great in-laws, but would be better in-laws if we didn't see them so often.

To be fair, I think my OH also has the same POV. Because we see them so regularly she perhaps doesn't appreciate the time spent together as much, and it's not as big occasion when they do come round. We'd much prefer to have them round less often but make more of it, maybe a bottle of wine rather than them just loafing around the house and helping themselves!

I think that hopefully we'll sort this...but I'm still curious to know what they plan to do in the next few years with their Maltese property. I think they plan on returning to the UK, but they'll need to sell overseas first and I think that market (in an expat resort) is probably some way behing the UK so they could be stuck there for a while.

Jowo_2

Deleted_User wrote: »

...I'm still curious to know what they plan to do in the next few years with their Maltese property. I think they plan on returning to the UK, but they'll need to sell overseas first and I think that market (in an expat resort) is probably some way behing the UK so they could be stuck there for a while.

Erm, they already have a home in the UK ... Yours...

The reason why you don't know their plans is they've already solved the UK accommodation issue ... At your expense and their convenience...

In fact, you've even planned it to be more comfortable for them by planning to move into a place that allows them to have a spare room, as well as a bedroom...

poppysarah

Deleted_User wrote: »

Well we're seeing them on Friday so hopefully that will be an opportunity to discuss this then..

Get it sorted BEFORE you buy your next home.

missile

What does your OH say?

Is she happy with this arrangement?

Jonbvn

Ulfar wrote: »

I have very recently had to put my own father down when he started acting like he was in charge of my home, I quite firmly informed him my house my rules.

When I was a teenager, my mother always used this as her final veto. Now that I am somewhat older (and hopefully wiser;)) I am waiting to use the same veto power.

muskoka

I've had elderly relatives in sheltered accomoodation and on both occasions there has been a spare room for me to stay overnight at a cost of £10 per night! Good luck whatever you decide - very difficult situation for you

DebtHater

muskoka wrote: »

I've had elderly relatives in sheltered accomoodation and on both occasions there has been a spare room for me to stay overnight at a cost of £10 per night!

Why not charge the OH's parents "house-keep"? Charge them money as if they were lodgers....