war with parents - are we being mean

ZarZar1990

I do understand the OP in some way, I know my grandparents got exceptionally jealous of my other grandparents when I was younger, if I saw one set slightly more than the other.

Families can be difficult and we're pre-dispositioned to forgive & forget and give the benefit of the doubt to family members.

I understand why the OP gave them a chance, especially with the re-assurances that the house would be kept clean, and the dog would be safely kept out of the way.

I would have tried to use the distance as an excuse, but obviously, if you drive near their house it can be difficult.

I think it would have been best all round if the OP had politely declined the offer of his parents looking after the child during the day, but suggested that they could set aside one day a week and all go and do something together, however, we're all assuming the grandparents are 100% reasonable people.

Plus hindsight vision is 20/20.

Leave the child in nursery, but offer a re-conciliation with your parents under the condition that you'll have a day out together, somewhere away from the offending house, soon?
xxx

kendalls_cave

Folks - can we just, for reality's sake, cast all our collective intelligence upon this picture?

When I was growing up, I got a wallop for dropping crumbs upon the floor, the house was so immaculate.

At the same time, my father was told by his employer 'shape up, get clean or else' and my sister was close to being withdrawn from school for being so unhygienic that she was a health and welfare issue to the rest of her class.

My mother is so lacking in basic cleanliness skills that when, on one occasion, she walked barefoot across my carpets, the resulting filth was so bad that the next day, I had to hire a mechanical carpet washer to restore my house.

I'm so ashamed of them that I changed my name. I can stick to the national speed limit but still cover 60 miles at 70 mph in less than the 54 minutes that legality dictates.

I bludgeoned my wife into submission and now that my faith in my parents' promises has proved every bit as shallow as my wife predicted it would be, I'm trying to find a way to get myself off the hook. Of course, .........

Henpecked One - give it up, mate. Not because any of us are without understanding and compassion but because every time you try to justify yourself, you just reveal another flaw in your arguments and compassion.

The fact remains - you were willing to put the health and welfare of your child a long way behind your commonsense, your comprehension, your intelligence, and your depth of understanding of the dynamics of your family.

Can't you see that? What made you believe, in the teeth of a lifetime of disillusion, that anything would be different?

Hope is a very dangerous thing to cling to when it's the wellbeing of your own child that is forfeit if you get it wrong

and with all that said I say good night and sleep well to one and all

mountainofdebt

When I was choosing a nursery for my son I must admit I chose one that was over 20 miles from home on the basis that a) if we were needed in an emergency it was a 10 minute walk from OH's office and b) I wouldn't have to worry about traffic to get to the nursery at home time.

However the journey home took on average 40 minutes each way everyday and this was dual carriage / motorway driving so if the OP can do 60 miles in 45 mins then I have to take my hat off to him.

I don't buy the 'we let my parents look after my daughter even though there are issues about cleaning either just to even up the grandparent caring' either ......if he's that ashamed of them that he changes his name then he why would he be so bothered about looking after their feelings re the grandchild?

tbh I think he was just trying to pick a fight with his parents so he had an excuse to cut of ties....might be wrong but don't think I am

coolcait

henpecked1 wrote: »

People say i should make it up .

And indeed you have.

*Louise*

YOU knew the dog situation before you left your child there

YOU convinced your OH to leave the child there

YOU knew the state of the house before you left the child there

YOU knew of various problems after the first visits...yet still you allowed your child to go there.


WHY?????


I feel sorry for your parents, your OH and your daughter. It seems you have messed around with all of them in some sort of twisted retaliation at your parents.

Yes, they appear to have their flaws, and I certainly wouldn't have left a child with them, but you knew all the problems and still chose to go ahead with the childcare arrangement.

YOUR fault...yet you feel you are justified in complaining about the whole situation. No wonder they are peed off.

ailuro2

henpecked1 wrote: »

The 60 mile trek was motorway so takes 45 mins approx.

Driving at the motorway speed limit every single mile form door to door would take 51 minutes.;)

Unless of course you're speeding, but you would you justify that by saying it minimises your little one's time in the car??

you seem to have an answer or justification for everything, so I'm goign to bow out of this thread, you don't seem to want advice, maybe you want someone to read this and tell your parents/ OH that you did it all for the best, really !

ceridwen

Look at it this way henpecked - for someone to leave home at 16 (as you did) means one of two things:
- they are an extremely rebellious person themselves and want to be free to get up to everything they can possibly think of:eek: (I dont think I need to spell that out....)

OR

- they know their parents are pretty darn useless at parenting and dont have much regard for them at all and are distancing themselves as soon as they possibly can.

16 is SUCH a young age to leave home - it has to be one of those two things that drove the person to do so.

From what you say - my guess is that its the second reason and that you left because your parents are useless at parenting/dont have much regard for you. You were wise to do so and it sounds like you have coped pretty well after that on your own. Do you want a 2nd generation to be exposed to people like your parents (this time - in grandparent role)?

Some people are not suited to being parents - and it sounds like you have two of them for parents. I'm sorry to hear this. My advice to you is to "break the cycle now" and break contact with your parents (at least until your daughters are old enough to look out for themselves and stand up to the grandparents if need be).

At least you have one good set of grandparents for your children:)

ceridwen

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I can't work out WHY the OP would defy her husband's clear-sighted and accurately worded assessment that nursery would be a "safer and cleaner environment", insist on driving 60 miles each way to a house that she knows is frankly dirty and grossly unhygienic, to be cared for by people that she knows are sorely lacking in even the most basic standards of personal cleanliness, are "incapable of common-sense", and have such appalling flaws as "lack of b*alls, cruel, jealous, friendless" ...

The OP knew all of this and yet was adamant that the child should go there, not once but on more than a few occasions. She was perfectly prepared to cross the child's own father in order to get her way. Now we are asked whether her loathing of these people -which pre-dates by years the birth of this child - is justified by asking "am I right for not backing down"?

My view? No, don't back down. Cut off all contact. Do your parents a favour and leave them in peace. They're clearly obliging sorts or they would not have repeatedly put/offered to put themselves out on your behalf and grown to love your child. They may lack standards but you didn't care a jot about that when it suited you to ignore it. You walked with open eyes into a situation with full knowledge and acceptance of how things were. You have a hidden agenda of dislike and contempt and they do not deserve to be used in this fashion.

I'm not surprised that they feel so hurt and angry. In their shoes, I'd be wanting to smack you one right in the kisser for your cruelty in setting them up for the most massive put-down! :mad: You may have done well for yourself but lady, you sure lost something along the way.

I think this is a bit harsh.

Most people want to see their parents as being normal/reasonable/decent and good parents - and it takes a lot of guts to admit to yourself that they simply ARENT what they should be (if someone has parents like O.P. does).

There is SUCH a strong "Happy Families" ethos going in our society that it must be very difficult for someone who has come from a dysfunctional family to admit to themselves that the family ARE indeed dysfunctional (to a greater or lesser degree) and break contact with them - or at least keep them at a suitable "distance".

There is no law that says one has to maintain contact with dysfunctional people just because they are your parents.

(..and before anyone wonders - nope....I personally have got perfectly standard/normal type parents basically - and I feel sorry for those who havent and think one should show them a bit of compassion if they are "normal" people themselves and finding it hard to deal with having dysfunctional parents).

Minxy_Bella

ceridwen wrote: »

I think this is a bit harsh.

Most people want to see their parents as being normal/reasonable/decent and good parents - and it takes a lot of guts to admit to yourself that they simply ARENT what they should be (if someone has parents like O.P. does).

There is SUCH a strong "Happy Families" ethos going in our society that it must be very difficult for someone who has come from a dysfunctional family to admit to themselves that the family ARE indeed dysfunctional (to a greater or lesser degree) and break contact with them - or at least keep them at a suitable "distance".

There is no law that says one has to maintain contact with dysfunctional people just because they are your parents.

(..and before anyone wonders - nope....I personally have got perfectly standard/normal type parents basically - and I feel sorry for those who havent and think one should show them a bit of compassion if they are "normal" people themselves and finding it hard to deal with having dysfunctional parents).

This ^^^

TBH, I think that the OP was merely trying to keep a relationship going with his parents, for the sake of his child, and has realised that he really can't do so on this issue, for the sake of his child.

I have some sympathy. Not a lot. But some.

OneWingedAngel_2

You should think yourself lucky henpecked, I never lived with my mum didnt know my Dad til I was 14 neither of them have contact with myself or my daughter on a regular basis despite my efforts. You should be glad yours are there for you and willing to do this for you despite their faults. Perhaps you could offer to help them clean the house since they looked after your little one for you. You can't keep taking from them and give nothing but bad back to them. They're obviously trying to do better. It sounds like nothing would be good enough for you anyway as everytime something is pointed out to you about your own faults you put the blame back onto them! So your sister has been affected by her growing up because she doesn't work and watches TV? I know people who had the perfect life growing up and still do this. Give them a break and offer your support to them. It could be that they are merely having difficulty coping now they are alone and are perhaps depressed. Make some time for them. Take them out for dinner to say Thank you or have them to your house for dinner and to see your daughter.