war with parents - are we being mean

henpecked1

Hello all,

My parents are at war with me. I will give you some background.


We have a 14 month old who spent one day a week being looked after by my mother. They have a dog which is too large for their house. The dog is untrained, long haired and free to roam the house. The dog is also put before everyone else.

The last dog they had attacked my sis when she was a baby. They let the baby play with the dog's biscuits which she put in her mouth and the dog went to retrieve them, thus biting into her face.

My father says the dog was harmless and it was my sister's fault (as a baby) for grabbing the biscuits. They never put the dog down and it never attacked again.

In light of the above I deem my parents to be incapable of common sense so it was with a heavy heart i agreed to let them look after my baby.

The original plan was for my mum to drive 60 miles to my house (without dog) on a Friday to look after our daughter. I talked my OH round to the idea she would be looked after at Mums house to save the journeying. The provisio was the dog would be locked away in the cage or kept in another room.

It was clear after the first day of being looked after the dog was roaming around. I let it go to save arguing.

The next few occasions I noticed the floor had not been hoovered for weeks at a time. Bits of rubbish fell off the dog and combined with normal wear, i felt that my child should not have to crawl around picking up bits of rubbish and dirt off the floor (as babies put things in their mouth).

Another instance was when they set up the baby cot in the front room and put ina damp smelly towel for her to sleep on.

The OH was putting the pressure on for our daughter to go to nursery where it was a safer and cleaner envirnoment. I mentioned to my father one night outside the house that I want things to improve i.e. hoovering otherwise she will have to go to nursery sooner rather than later. I cited that allowing my daughter to play with dog biscuits and put her hand in the kitchen bin was unhygenic and unacceptable (am i being neurotic?)

Anyway, my father as a person is very week and does not have balls. I sensed him and mum were going to argue that night over something else and I believe to deflect the argument, dad told mum she wasnt looking after my daughter anymore, which is very cruel and not exactly what I said. Anyway, she has taken his word as gospel and they believe they are in the right. I have since found out that my daughter has been allowed to play with the dog in the dog cage which has horrified me.

Quite frankly when my mother in law has my daughter, i do not have to worry. she dotes on her. Another example, my parents turned up one hour and a half late to her 1st birthday party because they didnt want to be the first there,

Anyway, I received a text from mum to say I m not welcome. They posted a cheque for some money they owed me through my office door, to which i write them a letter setting out my feelings on the subject, citing that i find it troubling that they can cut family ties so easily and highlighting the fact that not many parents don;t have the home address for their children!

I look at myself at wonder how I mange to turn out the opposite of them. Dad is very jealous of my success in life (which isnt much more than just house, car and good wage) My sister who is now 20 sits at home watching Jeremy Kyle, she is unemployed, friendless and wasting her life so i know the environment she has lived in has been damaging to her. I left home at 16 and struck my own path.

Anyway, sorry to bore you all, but I just wanted to make sure I am right for not backing down. People say i should make it up but that would be letting the last thing go, i.e. allowing them to look after my daughter ina dirty house. Of course, now she is at nursey she wont be pulled out and relooked after again by them. Dad has told people they will have to learn to unlove their grandchild which is odd considering my letter to them ended with you are welcome to come and visit. My sister used to get letters home from the school about her smelling, my dad gt a note from work asking him to address his breath, smell etc and my mum when she forst came to my house had such dirty feet she stained my cream carpet and I had to spend the following day hiring a carpet washer. Again, they are so lazy they have only come to my house several times in 2 years.

ragz_2

I totally agree that their household sounds unacceptable for young children and the whole dog issue is ridiculous, I am not surprised it made you angry. Your child sounds like she will be a lot safer/happier at nursery and with your MIL. I am sorry your relationship with your parents if being strained by this but maybe it's the wake up call they need.
You are not being neurotic, just a Mum x

I have similar probs with my parents, I would not leave my kids with them for the day as they drink too much and have unsuitable visitors (though my Mum always keeps a clean home and would bever put my kids on a filthy bed/floor), whereas my inlaws have the kids for the whole night sometimes ans I never have to worry, It's a shame, but at least we have one set of capable grandparents, which is more than some people do.

dandy-candy

No you are doing the right thing - don't feel doubt. Your parents sound irresponsible and I know it is hard for you when you realise that they don't seem to love your baby and want the best for it like you do. If offending them is the price to pay for keeping your little one healthy and safe then so be it. If she got attacked like your sister was as a child you would never forgive yourself.
As for you being different to the rest of your family that does happen - I'm one of those too! You sound like a very sensible and caring person and with some one like you caring for her, i'm sure your daughter will have a wonderful life. Just carry on doing your own plans and don't ask your folks to get involved anymore.

ailuro2

You need to take some of the blame here... knowing your parents' history with dogs and kids, and with general hygeine standards being different to yours, added on to the 60 mile round trip, it just doesn't make any sense for you to put your daughter to your parents to be looked after one day a week, yet you went ahead and did it.

get her into nursery, then go speak to your parents tell them you are sorry you should have realised your views on parenting were very different from theirs, and see how it goes from there. Recognise they were willing to come to you and it was you who persuaded your husband to let it happen the other way round.

In hindsight, you have to see it's no place for a baby to be looked after. If you're on a good wage as you say, then get her into nursery for that extra day. It will also cut down on 60 miles of travelling for your little one, which will only get more boring for her the older she gets.;)

Go visit them on the weekends so they can still see their GD, or take it turn about to travel.

Of course you can go down the road of not speaking to your parents, but that leaves your DD missing one set of grandparents. I know, we are in this situation, it's sad for them not to see them, only you can make the decision whether you want to say sorry and try and make things up with them.

Greener_Grass

I think you are in the right. Your daughter is number one priority as is her well being and if they can't comply to this then tough luck! You're better off without any help from them!

wendyphant

I agree with ailuro why not visit them on the weekend and offer to take everyone out for a coffee near a park (that way keep your daughter out of that environment)

Are you wrong to pull your daughter out of there? well can you see the headlines " baby girl mauled by dog" who would be the first to get to blame ? sorry but it would be the mother. You are you daughters protector is the be all and end all of it. You have to protect her.

If you want to help with your sisters self esteem invite her over maybe for a sleepover with her neice. My sister often comes for a sleepover with her nephew - mind you she invites herself now lol it is great they have some quality time together especially bath time and bed story time and then when he is in bed out come the box of chocs a chick flick and we have quality time together

woody01

OP.
You could always have looked after your own child rather than palm it off on someone else.

donquine

You don't mix babies and dogs. You just don't do it. A little baby is quite capable of accidentally 'stealing' the dog's favourite things, pulling the dog's tail or poking and prodding at the dog. A dog, no matter how well trained or well natured, is quite capable of snapping and attacking the baby.

If you're completely honest with yourself, would you have let your parents look after your daughter for so long if they'd been anyone else? I think you probably kept giving them the benefit of the doubt because you wanted to believe that your parents had your best interests and those of your daughter at heart. The decision you've made now to stop them from looking after her on their own is not a bad decision. You are not in the wrong. Don't let them guilt you into thinking as much.

Once things calm down, I think you should encourage your parents to spend time with their grandchild, but it should be spending time with her, not looking after her, i.e. playing with her whilst you're there, or your OH is. If they don't want to see her because they're sulking, that won't be your fault.

A 120 mile round trip is quite far, particularly on a regular basis. Is there anywhere half way that you could meet? A park (not in this weather, maybe!) or a nice family friendly cafe?

The nursery may be a more expensive form of childcare, but I think you and your OH will feel much happier, which can only be a good thing.

paddy's_mum

I'm astounded that despite having known all these horrid facts for (by your own words) over twenty years, you still chose to leave your child with them on several occasions.

Why did you do that? Because on those occasions, you were stuck somehow and needed their help? You clearly didn't make hour-long grandma-type visits involving a cup of tea and some choccy biscuits simply to please them.

I'd also add that although I agree there was an astounding lack of commonsense in the dog biscuit incident, your own prejudice is showing when you describe the incident as an out and out attack! My own beautifully mannered dogs occasionally forget themselves and bump my knuckles taking a treat. I recognise it as an error and don't instantly reach for the vet's phone number to arrange for them to be put down.

Why don't you just admit that you despise them for their failures and poor standards and leave it at that? Don't think I'm attacking you - I'm not and would probably find it just as hard to sustain a relationship with someone I didn't much like as you evidently have.

What I wouldn't be doing is smiling on one side of my face and sneering at them on the other. They would be justified in feeling manipulated and very wounded if they realised how you really felt ... I think you need to make up your mind if you want a relationship with them or not and then act upon that decision.

gingin_2

Were you paying your parents to look after your daughter?

Plus, you say they are lazy and have only come to your house twice and yet your Mum was going to drive 60 miles every day to look after your daughter. Or did I misread that?

bestpud

How often do you visit your parents, other than to leave your dd with them? Reading between the lines, I wonder if they feel out of place in your house...

FWIW, I'm with you on the dog thing - I have had similar issues with my parents, as dogs rule in their house. However, my parents are clean and tidy so present no hygiene risk.

But I don't think a disagreement over the way they care for your dd is reason to cut them from your (or more importantly, your dd's) life.

As people say, keep the visits social so you can supervise your dd (and the dog). You only get one set of parents after all!

Meeting at a park is a fab idea, or going to their house first and suggesting a trip out - you could take the dog too!

Would your sister come along as well?

In a nutshell, I can understand why you don't want them to look after your dd (it seems mad to drive 60 miles for 'daycare' anyway!!), but I don't think you are right to cut off contact.

I know you say they can visit, but that is placing it all on them - sometimes these things require joint effort.