war with parents - are we being mean

henpecked1

thanks for the comments.

The reason my mum was looking after my daughter in the first place was to balance out the care. Mother in law has my daughter two days a week and my mum wanted to have her the other day. Digs were already being made at me fromy my mum that child visitation seems heavily balanced to the other side of the family.

It is difficult to know the situation the child would be put in. There was a lot of promises from their side that the dog would not been in contact with the child and I believed them. Originally it was agreed that my mum would come over to my house because of the dog issues. I live 60 miles from her and I work near to where she lives so taking her promises and assurances on board I agreed to drop her off.

It isnt about moneysaving. I can wholly afford nursery childcare but I didnt want to cause friction in the family.

The problem is my mother never shown interest in my daughter when she was born. OH was at home for several weeks after the c-section and she never once visited or phoned. It seems as through if we dont go over there, they wont come over here. I was really trying to maintain the contact.

I would not willingly leave my child in danger, nobody would. Over the few weeks my mum had her, it just emerged that promises were not being met. I have had conversation after conversation each week to a point where i felt like i was being picky.

The situation now is following the events of the other week, we have put her in Nursery and we feel all the better for it. Sadly toes had to be trod on, but I am just as gobsmacked that my parents could not display any form of common sense.

Some of the comments on here are a little harsh and unfair. I had doubts at outset but i was reassured by people who i am supposed to trust, my parents. I only found out some of the things that happened over the weekend talking to people we know commonly.

henpecked1

McKneff wrote: »

I have been in the situation where my grandchildren were taken to the other end of the country after a rift between my Son and his wife who ran off with another man.
Have you any idea how cruel this is to your parents.
I know how distraught i was, I grieved almost as if they had died. I cannot begin to tell you how bad it afffected my mentally.
Stop being so selfish, put your baby into a nursery and go and eat humble pie with your parents, tell them you are sorry before its too late,
What if one of them died tomorrow, it happens.
You may be a married woman but you have a lot of growing up to do.
Annie

i just wanted to say my coversation to my father was "my daughter will have to go to nursery at somepoint, but when i hear things like she is playing with the dogs food and the bin and the carpet isnt hoovered week after week, it will have to be sooner rather than later".

DAD told mum - he doesnt want you looking after your granddaughter anymore.

I am afraid what was relayed was done to suit him to avoid him having an argument that evening. I never once told them I am stopping them seeing their grandaughter and as my letter said, my door is always open for you to visit.

Zazen999

Ignoring the state of the house; is it really reasonable for a child to travel that distance twice a day when you can afford local good childcare?

Total madness.

paddy's_mum

Okay - I'm sure that I am one of those you label as a little harsh and unfair. I'm more than happy to accept that label.

Keep going .... what the hell does "balance out the care" mean? What do you mean by "people I am supposed to trust" when you have had a lifetime of knowing them inside out and found them so dreadfully, severely, irredeemably wanting?

How do you now reconcile your statement that the whole house, and the people within it, were beyond dirty (you remember ... I had to hire a carpet cleaner once my mother had walked across my cream coloured rugs) with "it's difficult to know what situation the child would be put in". Add to your description that the dog was only one of the problems and is it any surprise that I, for one, don't believe a word you're telling me?

You're winding me up, and to my embarrassment, I am biting but I'm outta here. Give me a whistle when your wife or your mother wishes to comment about all that's gone on.

Is it really beyond your understanding that the time to politely say that the family/home needed to be a lot cleaner was then ...not now when the damage has been done ...

thorsoak

You say "It isnt about moneysaving. I can wholly afford nursery childcare but I didnt want to cause friction in the family."

Nonsense. That is exactly what you did want. You were extremely critical of the way in which you and your siblings were brought up - you shared your criticism with your OH, who did not want your daughter to go to your parents - but you persisted. And then, when you tell your father that you don't like the fact that the hoovering hasn't been done - and you don't expect him to tell your mother? What did you expect him to do? Hoover up?

There is an old Chinese curse - may you get what you wish for - and it looks as if that is coming true for you and your family.

Sad really.

elfen

Doesn't matter. Proven before they cannot control a dog, so it'll probably happen again, especially if its a "jealous" dog.

kendalls_cave

It is difficult to know the situation the child would be put in

But from reading your other thread on the same subject you did know. That is what makes this so appalling. You had doubts 6 months a go but still put your child into that situation. I'm speechless!

henpecked1

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Okay - I'm sure that I am one of those you label as a little harsh and unfair. I'm more than happy to accept that label.

Keep going .... what the hell does "balance out the care" mean? What do you mean by "people I am supposed to trust" when you have had a lifetime of knowing them inside out and found them so dreadfully, severely, irredeemably wanting?

How do you now reconcile your statement that the whole house, and the people within it, were beyond dirty (you remember ... I had to hire a carpet cleaner once my mother had walked across my cream coloured rugs) with "it's difficult to know what situation the child would be put in". Add to your description that the dog was only one of the problems and is it any surprise that I, for one, don't believe a word you're telling me?

You're winding me up, and to my embarrassment, I am biting but I'm outta here. Give me a whistle when your wife or your mother wishes to comment about all that's gone on.

Is it really beyond your understanding that the time to politely say that the family/home needed to be a lot cleaner was then ...not now when the damage has been done ...

it was never about the money for crying out loud. It was the fear that we would have a non speaking situation if we were seen to give one grandparent access and decline the other in favour of nursery.

Yes I know what they are like. However, when i gave them a list of things that i felt would need to be changed to keep my daughter safe the promises were made. the cleanliness of the house never really became an issue until a couple of times i went in there and saw rubbish all over the carpet and even then i mentioned it.

Each week i kept commenting. We were due to put in her in nursery come the summer anyway as we felt her needs were not being met.

I did hope by mentioning to my father he may try and see it my way, but, as he has done for many years, he just twists and plays mind games. I could run another thread on his behaviour over the years...

He told someone "next time i see him, I am going to tell him what i think of him".

Well he saw me yesterday and then ducked out of the way before i could get a chance.

Zazen999

Hello

I repeat....

Ignoring the state of the house; is it really reasonable for a child to travel that distance twice a day when you can afford local good childcare?

henpecked1

kendalls_cave wrote: »

But from reading your other thread on the same subject you did know. That is what makes this so appalling. You had doubts 6 months a go but still put your child into that situation. I'm speechless!

I had talked my fears through and i was assured things would be different, they werent. Yes of course I have to take my share of the blame, but dont blame me for being puzzled how a grandparent would do this to their own grandchild because as someone who is clean living, i find it difficult to comprehend.

i am just thankful i changed my surname when i left home so my poor child doesnt have their surname.