Anyone Child Free By Choice?

[Deleted User]

Fixx: Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm amazed that being CF is a concept unheard of abroad. I think it's horrible that motherhood is often intertwined with being female. Although I like being a woman, I sometimes wish I'd been born a man and then I'd be free from he shackles of people expecting you to be maternal. I'm just not maternal in the slightest, but this should never mean than someone is 'less than a woman'. I remember when Mariah Carey got pregnant she said 'now I know what being a woman is all about'. How insulting. As if being a woman is just about bearing children. Women are capable of far more and to place us all into a very constrictive box of 'mother' is limiting. The limitations set by one's gender is something I constantly struggle with.

kittieviolet

This thread has been fantastic to read and I am utterly relieved to read about others who feel the same as myself. I have no and never have had any maternal feelings what so ever. During my 20s and early 30s as friends and siblings settled and had families, although I wished them well, I still felt nothing and began to feel very guilty about it. Whilst my contemporaries 'oowed and arghhed', I felt no pangs of maternal desire whatsoever. I expected a 'ticking clock' somewhere along the way, but I'll be 38 in a few weeks and no sign yet. This is meant with respect to all those who have chosen to have a family, but in truth, I find childrens company quite boring and limited. I do baby sit and care for my nephew, niece, godchildren etc and play along (peppa pig, my word what carp!) but I'm glad to hand them back after a couple of hours, I couldn't keep it going, I'd go mad.
I actually much prefer my pets and have rescued all of them from the shelter where I volunteer.
The debate about partners feeling the same is very interesting, I had always hoped to meet a man that felt the same regarding children or at least had grown up children so that he didn't felt as he had missed out on something, just as long I wasn't expected to have one!

[Deleted User]

kittieviolet wrote: »

This thread has been fantastic to read and I am utterly relieved to read about others who feel the same as myself. I have no and never have had any maternal feelings what so ever. During my 20s and early 30s as friends and siblings settled and had families, although I wished them well, I still felt nothing and began to feel very guilty about it. Whilst my contemporaries 'oowed and arghhed', I felt no pangs of maternal desire whatsoever. I expected a 'ticking clock' somewhere along the way, but I'll be 38 in a few weeks and no sign yet. This is meant with respect to all those who have chosen to have a family, but in truth, I find childrens company quite boring and limited. I do baby sit and care for my nephew, niece, godchildren etc and play along (peppa pig, my word what carp!) but I'm glad to hand them back after a couple of hours, I couldn't keep it going, I'd go mad.
I actually much prefer my pets and have rescued all of them from the shelter where I volunteer.
The debate about partners feeling the same is very interesting, I had always hoped to meet a man that felt the same regarding children or at least had grown up children so that he didn't felt as he had missed out on something, just as long I wasn't expected to have one!

It is such a shame that CF people often feel guilty for not feeling a certain way, for not having maternal desire. I have experienced this myself. I have wondered what was wrong with me because I do not enjoy the company of children for very long and am more concerned about escaping their incessant noise than entertaining them and watching Peppa Pig. Like you, I love animals and have rescued two dogs. I enjoy the company of adults (who don't go on about their kid) and my own company but society seems to look down on people (especially women) who do not find joy in sitting for hours on end watching CBeebies (the rubbish on TV does my head in!) My mum's neighbour is pregnant with no. 3 and has two children under three years of age. Whenever I walk past their house, I can see Peppa Pig on the TV screen and when they're in the garden, all I hear is 'weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!' (mainly from the mother. I have never met someone more incapable of having an adult conversation in my life. All that comes out of her mouth are kiddie noises). While I appreciate some may find this fun, I can't imagine anything worse. You're not alone Kittie! Welcome xx

kittieviolet

Thanks Goldilockz. Never understood the ability of those who are able to watch CBeebies with their children or invent/play games with them and enjoy it.My sister in law is one such person, she is lovely and an excellent mother but does seem to think that repeated exposure to young children will make my 'clock tick' as she puts it, but then often in the same sentence discusses how tired she is and how sore her stitches are after the birth of my latest nephew recently. Bit counter productive really. Love them all to bits but do have to hasten away to source out some kind of intellectual conversation that doesn't involve the finer points of the school run. Work is very similar, my female colleagues don't quite understand why I don't want children as theirs are so adorable when they shove them in to arms when I am trying run around and do my job, again I find myself playing along to save face and not to hurt the feelings of my colleagues.

[Deleted User]

kittieviolet wrote: »

Thanks Goldilockz. Never understood the ability of those who are able to watch CBeebies with their children or invent/play games with them and enjoy it.My sister in law is one such person, she is lovely and an excellent mother but does seem to think that repeated exposure to young children will make my 'clock tick' as she puts it, but then often in the same sentence discusses how tired she is and how sore her stitches are after the birth of my latest nephew recently. Bit counter productive really. Love them all to bits but do have to hasten away to source out some kind of intellectual conversation that doesn't involve the finer points of the school run. Work is very similar, my female colleagues don't quite understand why I don't want children as theirs are so adorable when they shove them in to arms when I am trying run around and do my job, again I find myself playing along to save face and not to hurt the feelings of my colleagues.

I think those with an innate desire to have children focus on the benefits they get, whereas I just think 'stiches? No way!' or 'lack of sleep? I don't think so'. I can't get past what I see as all the terribly negative things that come with having children whereas I'm sure to your sister, these aren't a big deal. It really annoys me when people assume that being in the company of children will make the clock start ticking. For me, it has the opposite effect. My friend's son is adorable and I get on better with him than I have with any other child (I put it down to the fact we are both redheads) but I can only bear so long in his company before I crave solitude or at least adult conversation. His father (my friend) has never been so insensitive as to assume that being around his son will make me want children, but many parents cannot get past their own maternal/ paternal desires and therefore, feel like we're about to fall in love with their kids as much as they have. It's a real shame that your sister doesn't see you are entirely different from her and therefore, being around her kids is not about to make you morph into a mummy-type.

As for your colleagues, you are obviously more tolerant than I am! Not for one second would I consider holding a kid when I'm doing my job. For a start, I wouldn't want to and I feel it is extremely rude for your colleagues to prise their children on you when you have made clear to them how you feel. I think CF women are constantly having to 'play along' as you say so they won't be shunned or isolated from people with children. I feel for you and hope that in my next job, my colleagues aren't quite as intrusive as yours appear to be!

catkins

Gavin83 wrote: »

Can I ask how you went about this? I'd actually quite like to do this but I've always thought that doctors would refuse to do it on someone my age who doesn't already have kids, would this not be the case?

My husband had a vasectomy when he was 27 and I was 30and had been married 4 years. I had had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy whilst on the pill and apart from the fact I almost died, it scared both of us that I may get pregnant again. It was unlikely as one of my tubes had to be removed and the other was badly damaged but not impossible.

We first saw a female doctor who told me that I would change my mind as every woman wanted children!! We then saw a male doctor who listened to us and referred us to hospital. We were both spoken to and asked why we did not want children etc but then the op was agreed. My husband was in hospital for about 2 hours and then came home. He took the next day off work although he said he did not feel he needed to and had no problems whatsoever.

This was nearly 30 years ago and I think we were lucky that the male doctor was understanding and sympathetic to us

[Deleted User]

catkins wrote: »

My husband had a vasectomy when he was 27 and I was 30and had been married 4 years. I had had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy whilst on the pill and apart from the fact I almost died, it scared both of us that I may get pregnant again. It was unlikely as one of my tubes had to be removed and the other was badly damaged but not impossible.

We first saw a female doctor who told me that I would change my mind as every woman wanted children!! We then saw a male doctor who listened to us and referred us to hospital. We were both spoken to and asked why we did not want children etc but then the op was agreed. My husband was in hospital for about 2 hours and then came home. He took the next day off work although he said he did not feel he needed to and had no problems whatsoever.

This was nearly 30 years ago and I think we were lucky that the male doctor was understanding and sympathetic to us

The narrow-mindedness of some people, particularly those in the medical profession astonishes me sometimes! Despite the ignorance of the female doctor, your story turned out to be a very positive one and I'm glad you were ok and safe after your horrific experience. xx

catkins

Deleted_User wrote: »

The narrow-mindedness of some people, particularly those in the medical profession astonishes me sometimes! Despite the ignorance of the female doctor, your story turned out to be a very positive one and I'm glad you were ok and safe after your horrific experience. xx

Thank you. The female doctor was very rude to me and was adamant I would change my mind. Funnily enough all these years later I have not!

Mind you she was a pretty useless Dr. I went to her with bad pains in my abdomen and she told me there was nothing wrong with me and it was all in my mind (I rarely visited a Dr so quite why she said this I don't know). A week or so later I collapsed with the ruptured ectopic pregnancy. The hospital told me I was lucky I did not die

[Deleted User]

catkins wrote: »

Thank you. The female doctor was very rude to me and was adamant I would change my mind. Funnily enough all these years later I have not!

Mind you she was a pretty useless Dr. I went to her with bad pains in my abdomen and she told me there was nothing wrong with me and it was all in my mind (I rarely visited a Dr so quite why she said this I don't know). A week or so later I collapsed with the ruptured ectopic pregnancy. The hospital told me I was lucky I did not die

That's astonishing :mad: I have no words. I've encountered pretty awful doctors in the past too. As a teenager, I was anorexic and my weight dropped to 5 stone. My mum took me to the Dr who told her to take me to McDonalds every day for a fortnight, that'd sort me out. We put our trust in these so-called professionals and they often let us down. I wish CF people weren't questionned or patronised so much by doctors.

Pete3278

mrcow wrote: »

I'm sure you probably would. After all, even Nick Griffin has a wife and family.....and he's an odious !!!!!!.

I'm not the one resorting to ridiculous comparisons and school yard insults now, am I?

Grow up.