Anyone Child Free By Choice?

Person_one

Pete3278 wrote: »

Well, someone who hasn't made up their mind can be popularly described as 'sitting on the fence' so I do. If I haven't made my mind up I sometimes say "I'm sitting on the fence"...

Methinks that people are looking at things to take offence at here.

To be honest, I rarely spend much time talking or thinking about people who haven't decided whether to have children or not.

I'm not offended, don't be so daft!

Pete3278

Gavin83 wrote: »

Can I ask how you went about this? I'd actually quite like to do this but I've always thought that doctors would refuse to do it on someone my age who doesn't already have kids, would this not be the case?

Hi Gavin,

It really was quite simple for me, I'm 33. I went to my GP and explained that I wanted a vasectomy, of course, she assumed that I'd had children but when I corrected her she didn't suggest that having a vasectomy would be a problem or was in any way a mistake. She asked me why I didn't want any children and I gave my reasons which she accepted without further question.

I was booked in for the procedure approximately two months later at a local surgery which was in a GPs surgical practice and not a hospital. The doctor had to 'counsel' me first to ensure that I was serious and had thought it through, he quickly established that I was serious and I'd thought about it, he performed the operation. It didn't hurt very much and I only missed one shift from work, I will admit that I was relatively lucky though, I've known a few guys who've had complications that made the procedure more painful and the recovery slower than mine was.

Good luck if you decide to go ahead with it!

My only regret is that I didn't have it done a decade ago.

Pete3278

Person_one wrote: »

To be honest, I rarely spend much time talking or thinking about people who haven't decided whether to have children or not.

I'm not offended, don't be so daft!

Then you must consider yourself fortunate that you haven't at any point found yourself in a serious romantic relationship with someone who'd not thought the decision through enough BEFORE they embarked on a relationship with a CF person. As a CF person who's beloved partner suddenly changes their mind and wants kids it's a very difficult and painful situation. A situation not helped by all of those who think it's OK to spout to your partner "It's OK, he'll change his mind, my husband was EXACTLY the same until we had our first!"

I didn't change my mind, the relationship ended and it was very painful for us both.

If the term "Childfree" wasn't repeatedly sabotaged and misused it might be taken a little more seriously and the assumption that minds would be changed would become rarer - As it is, it seems that it's EXPECTED that an individual will change their mind when they say "I'm Childfree". Is it so hard for people who haven't made their minds up yet to say "I'm undecided" or "I'm still childless"?

SandC

I don't think it's that simple.

I am 41 now and people finally believe that I don't want children. I never did. However, although deep down I knew I really didn't want kids, I also was aware that I might change my mind. Until something becomes a certainty (ie you get past the age where childbearing can happen) you can never say that your feelings won't change.

That doesn't mean I was undecided - just realistic!

It's probably different for men because you don't get a 'cut off point' and have to make that decision quite clear and bold.

It's actually quite an interesting time in my life now because most men who come along there won't be the question of whether or not to have children as they probably already do and will be more than happy not to add any more!

[Deleted User]

SandC wrote: »

I don't think it's that simple.

I am 41 now and people finally believe that I don't want children. I never did. However, although deep down I knew I really didn't want kids, I also was aware that I might change my mind. Until something becomes a certainty (ie you get past the age where childbearing can happen) you can never say that your feelings won't change.

That doesn't mean I was undecided - just realistic!

It's probably different for men because you don't get a 'cut off point' and have to make that decision quite clear and bold.

It's actually quite an interesting time in my life now because most men who come along there won't be the question of whether or not to have children as they probably already do and will be more than happy not to add any more!

I think it's a real shame that only now you're 41 people are believing you don't want children. It just shows that, among people who want/ have children, the alternative is still not considered an immediately valid option and is most often subject to question. It is a particularly sensitive topic for me because my partner is a 'fence-sitter' whereas I feel strongly that, even though I am 27, my mind won't change. I think I'd have to have a lobotomy before that happens. It would be oh so nice for people to take me seriously when I say I don't want children. I once had an argument with a hairdresser I went to because she would not accept that my mind might not change. She was extremely patronising, saying 'trust me, you'll change your mind' as if she was Mystic bloody Meg. I don't suppose that is something that is likely to change anytime soon but I know in future to assert myself a bit more if I am faced with such attitudes.

Gavin83

Pete3278 wrote: »

Hi Gavin,

It really was quite simple for me, I'm 33. I went to my GP and explained that I wanted a vasectomy, of course, she assumed that I'd had children but when I corrected her she didn't suggest that having a vasectomy would be a problem or was in any way a mistake. She asked me why I didn't want any children and I gave my reasons which she accepted without further question.

I was booked in for the procedure approximately two months later at a local surgery which was in a GPs surgical practice and not a hospital. The doctor had to 'counsel' me first to ensure that I was serious and had thought it through, he quickly established that I was serious and I'd thought about it, he performed the operation. It didn't hurt very much and I only missed one shift from work, I will admit that I was relatively lucky though, I've known a few guys who've had complications that made the procedure more painful and the recovery slower than mine was.

Good luck if you decide to go ahead with it!

My only regret is that I didn't have it done a decade ago.

I'm only 26 though, I really don't think they'd do it on someone of my age which is why I haven't been already. I guess there is only one way to find out though!

Pete3278

SandC wrote: »

I don't think it's that simple.

I am 41 now and people finally believe that I don't want children. I never did. However, although deep down I knew I really didn't want kids, I also was aware that I might change my mind. Until something becomes a certainty (ie you get past the age where childbearing can happen) you can never say that your feelings won't change.

That doesn't mean I was undecided - just realistic!

It's probably different for men because you don't get a 'cut off point' and have to make that decision quite clear and bold.

It's actually quite an interesting time in my life now because most men who come along there won't be the question of whether or not to have children as they probably already do and will be more than happy not to add any more!

I always knew I didn't want to parent either and I also knew that I wouldn't change my mind. For me, it was that simple. Had it not been I'd have said I was undecided. As it was, I was totally realistic about my feelings, I know I don't have the patience to bring up children and neither do I have the desire to bring them up so it wouldn't have been a realistic notion that I'd change my mind. A long term relationship that failed because my ex suddenly decided that she wanted kids and I, as I had maintained from the first date, didn't was a more than adequate test to know that I was realistic in my desires to remain CF because I lost the woman I loved over it.

As a man who's had surgery to ensure that it'll never happen, I can assure you, a positively CFBC man can quite literally have a cut-off point if he so desires! I'd urge caution about becoming romantically involved with parents whose children are still living at home though. Of course, it all depends on how much you like spending time around children and what you envisage the relationship becoming. In my personal experience (and totally personal opinion) though there are many pitfalls in dating single parents best left to people who already have kids of their own.

Pete3278

Gavin83 wrote: »

I'm only 26 though, I really don't think they'd do it on someone of my age which is why I haven't been already. I guess there is only one way to find out though!

You may be happily surprised! My surgeon told me of a man your age who'd come to him for a vasectomy. He asked the patient if he'd had children, to which he replied not. The Doctor, having at that point never operated on a CF man before, asked him to go away for a week and think about it and if he still wanted it a week later he'd do it. A week later the doctor arrived at work to find the young man waiting for him. Needless to say, the doctor operated! The surgeon told me that he'd performed 667 vasectomies and I was only the 4th CF man he'd operated on in all the time he'd been doing it.

Had I had a vasectomy at 26 I would have been saved an awful lot of heartache in the subsequent years.

SandC

Pete we are not all the same, even amongst those of us cfbc. I don't need anyone to urge caution to me about my choice of men and their status with regards to having kids or not! I am capable of doing so myself. I am most certainly not going to disregard someone I am attracted to because he's got kids!

By cut off point, I did mean one that will occur for females but which won't for men. Both sexes have options, of course.

Pete3278

SandC wrote: »

Pete we are not all the same, even amongst those of us cfbc. I don't need anyone to urge caution to me about my choice of men and their status with regards to having kids or not! I am capable of doing so myself. I am most certainly not going to disregard someone I am attracted to because he's got kids!

By cut off point, I did mean one that will occur for females but which won't for men. Both sexes have options, of course.

I know we're not all the same and I didn't in any way wish for you to feel patronised. I was merely telling you about my experiences when dating single mothers - Hence the qualifier where I said that it all depends on your personal choices - How much time you want to spend around children and where you want the relationshp to go. Or did you not notice that part where I said I was expressing a personal opinion and that any 'urging' was based on a PERSONAL opinion?

Had I actually listened to a few people who'd urged caution in the past I would have had a far more successful and happy life but that's a different story.

Good luck with your man-hunt.