Anyone Child Free By Choice?

SandC

I think it's just the way you come across.

I'm not on a manhunt either! ;-)

Pete3278

Well, isn't it great that we can express our opinions and get our knickers in a twist with one another, all without actually meeting, knowing each other or anything about each other or hearing subtle inflections of voice? Technology eh, wonderful! Until the internet came along I don't know how I got by without total strangers seemingly taking offence at what I thought were innocuous comments!

Good for you, there's no need to be on a man-hunt, but whatever you are on, good luck with it! (And I mean that in a friendly, smiley, cheery, non-aggressive, non-sarcastic way).

mrcow

Pete3278 wrote: »

Technology eh, wonderful! Until the internet came along I don't know how I got by without total strangers seemingly taking offence at what I thought were innocuous comments!

Perhaps they did, but you were just too thick skinned to notice?

Gavin83

I'm with you Pete, I wouldn't date a single parent. It's a dealbreaker for me. I don't understand why someone would want to date a single parent when they don't wish to have kids themselves.

Pete3278

mrcow wrote: »

Perhaps they did, but you were just too thick skinned to notice?

Maybe you're right.

Funnily enough though, I seem to get on pretty well with most people I meet and have never struggled to make and keep friends or establish long-term romantic relationships. If I was so thick-skinned and offensive, I wonder if that would be the case?

Who knows, maybe, just maybe, some people are a bit too "thin-skinned" and are always looking for ways to take umbridge...

As has been pointed out though, we're all different!

Isn't idle postulation fun? Feels like a waste of time postulating about people we don't know but hey, it's still fun!

poet123

Is Umbridge near Ambridge? (sorry, couldn't resist!)

Pete3278

Gavin83 wrote: »

I'm with you Pete, I wouldn't date a single parent. It's a dealbreaker for me. I don't understand why someone would want to date a single parent when they don't wish to have kids themselves.

Well, when I met the women I dated who had kids, I found them attractive before I knew that they had kids. I found them attractive enough to try to have a relationship with them despite their (small) children being on the scene but when the kids were around I just had to accept that I would be expected to play with the kids, look after them and entertain them, for days on end if necessary. There was no time at all to actually talk or communicate properly with my girlfriends until the end of the day but by then it was simply a glass of wine and then bed to sleep. It was exhausting and one hell of a reminder as to why I don't want to have children of my own. Some people love the company of small children, I can tolerate it for a while. It all depends on the individual. It took me a few tries to work out that single mums were not good dating material for me, Gavin. You're a sharper man than I!

fixx

This thread has been fantastic for me to read, as I'm CFBC, and it's great to get reassurance from others that not everyone sees me as a freak And also laugh at so many familiar situations - I've been through the "oh, don't worry, you'll change your mind" (Um, I'm not worried about that, I'd worry more about having kids in my life when I don't want them…), as well as the "What… why? What's wrong with you?!" and "But, but, but, you're a woman, you should have kids…!". Urgh.

What I've found interesting though is that a year ago I moved abroad, and I now realise how accepting the UK was in general towards my choice. Most people I spoke to before were maybe surprised, but accepted it (though obviously not all ). In this past year, working amongst many different cultures, I've had so much more resistance if it came up. I've now seen so many cultures where it really is completely unheard of, and almost impossible to comprehend. It's quite fascinating Fortunately no major disagreements as yet, just quite stimulating discussions about different peoples views, and usually ending in a rather begrudging acknowledgement to leave me to it (though I suspect for most people it's only been because they ran out of ideas to make my change my mind!).
　

Pete3278 wrote: »

Then you must consider yourself fortunate that you haven't at any point found yourself in a serious romantic relationship with someone who'd not thought the decision through enough BEFORE they embarked on a relationship with a CF person. As a CF person who's beloved partner suddenly changes their mind and wants kids it's a very difficult and painful situation. A situation not helped by all of those who think it's OK to spout to your partner "It's OK, he'll change his mind, my husband was EXACTLY the same until we had our first!"
I didn't change my mind, the relationship ended and it was very painful for us both.
If the term "Childfree" wasn't repeatedly sabotaged and misused it might be taken a little more seriously and the assumption that minds would be changed would become rarer - As it is, it seems that it's EXPECTED that an individual will change their mind when they say "I'm Childfree". Is it so hard for people who haven't made their minds up yet to say "I'm undecided" or "I'm still childless"?

^ This - an excellent point that many people often don't consider. Being CFBC isn't necessarily an easy choice, when it comes down to having to end an amazing relationship because of different personal goals. It can be agonising. I'm lucky in that my last serious boyfriend didn't want kids either. But when considering potential partners now, it's always in the back of my mind that the next one might. And as I'm at the age where people would expect that I'd have kids soon if I got into a serious relationship, it makes life interesting. At what stage to you tell someone you don't want kids?! Too early, and you might scare them off if they think you're immediately seeing marriage (sans babies) , but leave it too long and could hurt and disappoint people. I don't want to be with someone who wants kids, and know that I'm depriving them of that.

SandC wrote: »

Pete we are not all the same, even amongst those of us cfbc. I don't need anyone to urge caution to me about my choice of men and their status with regards to having kids or not! I am capable of doing so myself. I am most certainly not going to disregard someone I am attracted to because he's got kids!

Thanks for this post SandC - it's really interesting to see different peoples views and approaches. I actually wish I could be so open minded about single parents, as I wonder what relationships I might miss out on.

Gavin83 wrote: »

I'm with you Pete, I wouldn't date a single parent. It's a dealbreaker for me. I don't understand why someone would want to date a single parent when they don't wish to have kids themselves.

This is also my view though - don't get me wrong, I do like kids. I want my sister and friends to have kids and I'll dote on them, and want to be a great auntie. I just don't want to be a mother. In a relationship, I'd want that other person to be the most important thing in my life, and me in theirs. If they have kids, their kids will (and should!) always come above me. So that's not the relationship for me. And if someone was willing to put me above their kids, well, I'm afraid I would have no respect for them. They're a parent, their children come first now. So parents are in a no-win situation with me, through no fault of their own :rotfl:

Person_one

poet123 wrote: »

Is Umbridge near Ambridge? (sorry, couldn't resist!)

I blame JK Rowling for that one.

Pete3278

Person_one wrote: »

I blame JK Rowling for that one.

Umbrage... Note to self: Must look stuff up I only know phonetically!