Anyone Child Free By Choice?

Mayflower10cat

Husband and I are by choice child-free and very happy. We lived together for 8 years before marrying and post wedding, I couldn't even count how many times, friends and family said 'Oh, now you're going to start a family???' We've been together for 25 years and I can honestly say I've never felt a drive or urge to hold our baby (or anyone's baby!!!) in my arms. Husband, equally, isn't driven by any overwhelming urge to become a father, he's perfectly happy with just the two of us. I've had friends (parents) who've asked, in low and concerned voices 'were you not able to have children?' (Argh!!) I've had friends say, 'you'd be great parents!' (Really??!!)

I contrast my feelings toward parenthood with those of my younger sister and her husband, who tried and failed to become pregnant for too many emotionally draining years. Until she finally conceived and was on the brink of making her wonderful news official, when she miscarried. The telephone conversation we had when she rang to tell me she'd come back from hospital was utterly heartbreaking for both of us. I felt so dreadful for her, for her terrible loss and her devastating sadness. We wept over the phone and I went to see her a few days later (we lived 200 miles apart then) and we wept some more. I was crying for her and her bewildered husband and I felt her pain, yet I still couldn't really comprehend why they wanted a child so badly. I probably still can't. Happily, a year later, she became pregnant and gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby girl. Then barely 20 months later, a little boy. (They didn't want to waste any time!!!) She adores her children more than her own life, I would say. She would do anything for them. I almost envy her for feeling this way.

Within our circle of friends, aged late 30's through to early 60's, we are the only childless couple. We babysit, we enjoy their childrens/teenagers company yet I still have no urge to 'have one' myself! We both have 2 nieces and 2 nephews and spoil them like mad, it's great fun.

Significantly, my Mum had a mental breakdown when I was 9 years old. My sister is three years younger and she doesn't recall any of this time period. I recall a Mum who was always tired, shouty, unpredictable and often crying. I remember being scared of her and not feeling able to cuddle her. Maybe these early memories have clouded my view of motherhood, who knows. Our relationship has improved over the last few years as we now live close together and I know she recalls almost nothing of her time pre and immediately post-breakdown. I'm sure most other deliberately child-free people have had perfectly happy childhoods, so this particular lack of maternal feelling might be unique to me.

Anyhow sorry for the long and boring story!!!!

Person_one

goodgirl80 wrote: »

People think its 'strange' because they are unable to overcome their innate biological imperatives.

Sigh, there's a whole thread full of people overcoming the 'innate imperative' to reproduce if you care to read it.

mobilefan

Im child free by choice and so are my sisters my mother cant get over the fact that she had three girls and none of us like kids. One of my work collegues has become a granddad for the first time and is currently boring me to death with tales of his grandson Im just not interested in kids especially the ones that cry a lot

Abbafan1972

I do have kids (2 Girls) and I have read through some of this thread because I am a nosey cow! :rotfl:

Somebody in an earlier post touched on something that really annoys me, what I call "baby bores". Don't get me wrong, I love kids, that's why I had them, but people who constantly talk about their little ones or their pregnancy and don't seem to have any adult conversation at all, I don't have any time for! :mad: Also people who think I am still interested in hearing a blow by blow account of their labour or c-section repeatedly, even when their beloved child is now 6. I am not in the slightest bit interested.

My Mom was thrilled when I told her I was pg with my 1st, I waited until I had been for the 12 week scan and from that moment on she was a nightmare, her new grandchild was all she talked about. In the end I had to tell her to talk about something else as she was boring the pants off me! When I found out I was pg with my 2nd I didn't tell her till was 16 weeks, as she was so unbearable the last time, although I did make a point of telling to back off. :rotfl:

goodgirl80

Person_one wrote: »

Sigh, there's a whole thread full of people overcoming the 'innate imperative' to reproduce if you care to read it.

Sorry I don't think that came across as I meant it

Littlemadam83

I am another one here that never wants children. My brother was born seven years after me and not once did I hold him or have any mothering or sisterly instincts towards him.

This has followed through into adulthood and yes I think some babies are sweet, but the bads to me out way the good. Plus I had a horrendous relationship with my mother, which I do not want repeating.

I am very happy without, and will find other things that are more mentally stimulating to keep me going through life. Giving up my career for staying at home is a definite no no.

bargainbetty

I have a brilliant relationship with my mum, I adored my late father and my brother was no more of a torment than the average big brother is to his baby sister. He is now the proud father of my two nieces who I would walk through fire for and will happily rip the arms off anyone who harms them. I have three god-children, am 'Auntie' to many others and will invest much time in entertaining other people's kids. You know why? I can give them back.

I have absolutely no urge to have a child of my own. People tell me 'It'll be different' when it's my own. That I'd be a great mother, that the pros outweigh the cons, that it's the most rewarding experience you can have etc etc.

Bit risky to chance it, I think. It'll be different? What if it's not, and I get bored or resentful? Being a great mum? I don't even have a pet. I can barely remember to water a plant, much less take care of another life. And for those who say 'oh, a baby will tell you when it needs things'.... well, isn't that just dandy? I work for lawyers so the last thing I need when i get home is another whining, crying, demanding little tyrant to care for. I have 50 at work, but at least they pay me a wage for wiping their !!!!!!.

I can pick up my passport on Friday after work, and be in another country by midnight. I can fly back in on Monday morning, as long as I get to the desk by 9 a.m. I can eat cereal for tea sitting on the sofa in my pants three days straight without feeling guilty that I am failing to provide for someone else because I haven't gone shopping or done laundry. I can spend my time and money as I see fit. I happily pay taxes to ensure that other people's kids are educated and given healthcare - not a problem. Just don't ask me for a kid too.

If I change my mind, I will adopt, foster, or do something to take care of the multitude of kids already here that need loving homes. Until every one of those is warm, fed and loved, I personally think I have no business dropping a genetic copy of myself onto the world. I just wish that people would stop asking me what is wrong with me when I say I don't want to be a parent!

jtr2803

bargainbetty wrote: »

I have a brilliant relationship with my mum, I adored my late father and my brother was no more of a torment than the average big brother is to his baby sister. He is now the proud father of my two nieces who I would walk through fire for and will happily rip the arms off anyone who harms them. I have three god-children, am 'Auntie' to many others and will invest much time in entertaining other people's kids. You know why? I can give them back.

I have absolutely no urge to have a child of my own. People tell me 'It'll be different' when it's my own. That I'd be a great mother, that the pros outweigh the cons, that it's the most rewarding experience you can have etc etc.

Bit risky to chance it, I think. It'll be different? What if it's not, and I get bored or resentful? Being a great mum? I don't even have a pet. I can barely remember to water a plant, much less take care of another life. And for those who say 'oh, a baby will tell you when it needs things'.... well, isn't that just dandy? I work for lawyers so the last thing I need when i get home is another whining, crying, demanding little tyrant to care for. I have 50 at work, but at least they pay me a wage for wiping their !!!!!!.

I can pick up my passport on Friday after work, and be in another country by midnight. I can fly back in on Monday morning, as long as I get to the desk by 9 a.m. I can eat cereal for tea sitting on the sofa in my pants three days straight without feeling guilty that I am failing to provide for someone else because I haven't gone shopping or done laundry. I can spend my time and money as I see fit. I happily pay taxes to ensure that other people's kids are educated and given healthcare - not a problem. Just don't ask me for a kid too.

If I change my mind, I will adopt, foster, or do something to take care of the multitude of kids already here that need loving homes. Until every one of those is warm, fed and loved, I personally think I have no business dropping a genetic copy of myself onto the world. I just wish that people would stop asking me what is wrong with me when I say I don't want to be a parent!

Such an awesome statement!!! I do have a child who is 11 this summer but we have an 'awkward' relationship which I am attempting to build bridges on. Without question I love her to death and would do anything for her but I am just not a maternal person, I can't relate to small children in any way, shape or form and I dread people trying to get me to hold small babies.

My OH doesn't particularly want any (DD is not his) and I really don't think I do either, I am only 29 and still want to travel the worls etc. The only think that causes any doubt in my mind is that OH and I could (hopefully will) be together forever and love each other until the day we die but when we are gone, there will be nothing left of our relationship..........does that make any sense, don't think I can word it any other way! :rotfl:

marmiterulesok

I've only managed to read a few posts,but hopefully will make my way through all the other pages.

It's a very interesting/thought-provoking topic.I'm child-free by choice (and quite happy to admit it).

My main concern about having a child is the fact that this planet is woefully overcrowded as it is,and it is only going to get worse.I see my not having a child as a positive step as it is one less mouth to feed,one less person using up precious resources and so on.

I would even go as far as to say that the number of children a couple has should be limited,.

I'd be interested to see what other readers think of this.

song_of_calliope

I agree with you marmiterulesok but it's a very controversial statement and in real life I would never admit to feeling like that to any but my very closest friends. People seem to get really angry when you say anything against their "right" to have as many children as they feel like having.

I'm child-free by choice and so's my sister I do think in our case it may be influenced by having a mother who really should never have had children - she hated being a mum and wasn't cut out for it at all. I do worry about being lonely when I'm old but I know there's no guarantee I wouldn't be even if I did have kids.