Anyone Child Free By Choice?

Souk08

Treacly wrote: »

This is so resonant for me...I think not wanting children and liking time alone are two sides of the same coin. One of the major reasons I've never wanted kids is because to have offspring means you will never be alone again. Most people seem to see that as a bonus, but it horrifies me.!

I totally agree. I love and need my own time and space and couldn't have ANYONE stopping me from having that. I just love doing my own thing and need the freedom to do that. X

Steel_2

Treacly wrote: »

This is so resonant for me...I think not wanting children and liking time alone are two sides of the same coin. One of the major reasons I've never wanted kids is because to have offspring means you will never be alone again

I think you're right on the money. Sometimes I think about what it might be like to have kids, but then the thought I could never escape them to peace and quiet, to be alone with my thoughts every day, stops me in my tracks. I know there comes a point with other's kids when I have just had enough and I need to leave. I reach an overload point with noise and activity.

You just can't do that with your own kids. They need you there 24/7 and they have to come first.

Treacly wrote: »

I have lived very happily with my OH for nearly 16 years, but I still think of myself as a loner, if that makes any sense at all!

Absolutely. I feel the same way.

tabskitten

I don't feel lonely at all.
In fact it is most of the young mothers that i know who stay at home with children all day that moan they are lonely!!

don't believe me?

Take a click on the mumsnet forum........

ceridwen

tabskitten wrote: »

I don't feel lonely at all.
In fact it is most of the young mothers that i know who stay at home with children all day that moan they are lonely!!

don't believe me?

Take a click on the mumsnet forum........

The thing is too about being childfree (single or otherwise) is one can always go out and find some company if you want to.

I write two types of things down in my diary:
- those that I am definitely going to go to no matter what
and
- those I could go to if I wanted to

Whether I go to the second type of things depends entirely on how I'm feeling at the time.

I sympathise with the poster with children who says she can never have any peace and quiet to think/just to be and feels she must have got hardened to it by now. I couldnt live like that myself - if I've had a particularly noisy/buzzy type of evening out for instance - I feel the need to have some hours of quiet on my own and I just couldnt live at a noisy/buzzy pace all the time now. I would find it far too stressful.

The downside (if there is one:cool:) of having the time/peace and quiet to think is that it gets frustrating at times when other people (who havent had the same facility) havent thought through issues half as deeply as you have and are wandering through life apparently oblivious of the possible "fallout" of their personal actions - a fact that I do think may be related to some extent to the fact that they never seem to allow themselves "thinking time".

One little technique I do myself (and have the time for because of being child-free) is that I take myself off for long walks when there is anything major that I have to think out. By the time I come back I have usually got at least some sort of basic idea of what to think/what to do formulated in my mind. I wouldnt be able to do that if I had children.

One other thing I notice about having children is that the "demands" dont seem to stop even once they are well into adulthood. I'm gawping in astonishment right now at just how much money/time is expected from a friend of mine by their adult children - and they are just "eating their way" through virtually every bit of spare time and money she has. Even though she earns more money than me - I am actually able to spend more money than she can (because she still subsidises them every time they ask/demand) and they continually make demands on her time. She knows they are being unreasonable - but cant bring herself to refuse them.

ninky_2

mrcow wrote: »

But that whole having the time and space to think about things, to work out where your head is, to be at peace with your feelings.......I just don't have that anymore. I go to work for peace and quiet as the time in the car is the only time I get to sit in relative quiet (and even then I'm performing a task so can't actually concentrate on what feeling etc.).

i don't think it's just coincidence that the most famous philosophical thinkers have either been childfree or not had responsibility for childcare.

unfortunately i also think there is still a big difference on average between male and female people who decide to have children. it's that whole virginia woolf 'room of one's own' thing. men still seem able to have kids and because they assumption is the woman will be the primary care provider they still find space for themselves. unless women are rich enough to have nannies it's rare to find a female who enjoys such space.

i'm looking to go travelling and maybe move around overseas in the next few years and i don't think it would be fair to do that with children. children seem to need stability and routine - two things that spell boredom to me.

Vikkii

Hi everyone

Just thought I would pass on my own experiences in this matter. When I met my husband we both said we didn't want children. We were together about 20 months before we got married - once we got married all our friends kept saying "so when are you going to start a family?" etc blah blah. We kept trying to explain we were happy as we were and didn't want children but everyone thought we were mad. Several of my husband's friends and relatives started calling him 'Jaffa' (as in seedless! :eek:) and simply couldn't grasp the fact that we didn't want children. This used to really annoy me as it was our choice :mad: Oh, and we were constantly being called 'selfish' :huh:

Anyway, after having been together for 6 years and married for over 4 - I changed my mind and decided actually, I would quite like a child. I discussed this with my husband and we decided to go for it. We now have 3 children (well one of 15 and the other 2 are adults) and have been married over 26 years.

We have several friends who are CFBC - they are all happy and know they made the right decision for them. When I was CFBC I was happy, now I have children I am happy. I certainly don't think my friends who don't want children are 'strange', 'weird' or 'odd' in any way whatsoever. And hopefully they don't thinkI am any of those things by changing my mind after a few years and deciding to have children

You should do what you want, regardless of what other people think of say They can live their lives how they choose, and you should live your life how you choose.

gull5426

interesting topic here.

i am child free !!! never ever wanted one and glad not to have one.
my wife is the same... so thats good for both of us.

despite most people thinking its odd or there must be a problem.. its up to us to live how we like.

Coveredinbees!!!!

I was but now I'm not, I wouldn't be without her now she's here.

Ilovecubbage

gull5426 - It is not odd at all.
You choose what is right for you no one else can do it for you. Ignore the peeps telling you otherwise, they are eather yellous or have nothing to talk to you about. (in that case change your friends)
I was in a late teaneger stage and hated my mother, so told her I will never marry and have kids. My mother told me that I was selfish and horrible if I didn`t have kids. I coudn`t care less. It is my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Even if she bothered to give it to me, I am sure I didn`t want to come to this "lovely" world, but she wanted me to.
I always wanted to have children though, don`t know why, it`s just that maternal feeling. I would have more , husband permitting.

Not everyone is destined to have them. There are some parents , which should never have any, even if they want them.
Hey, just think of the money you are saving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have three and they are eating us alive!
Just kidding , of course, I could not be with out them. So much fun. But if I didn`t have them I am sure that I would have a great time too in a different way. Travel is my way.

Don`t feel bad, ignore those people and enjoy your life to full, with kids or without. You don`t need to fill other peoples boxes!

BubblyMumbles

ninky wrote: »

i don't think it's just coincidence that the most famous philosophical thinkers have either been childfree or not had responsibility for childcare.

unfortunately i also think there is still a big difference on average between male and female people who decide to have children. it's that whole virginia woolf 'room of one's own' thing. men still seem able to have kids and because they assumption is the woman will be the primary care provider they still find space for themselves. unless women are rich enough to have nannies it's rare to find a female who enjoys such space.

i'm looking to go travelling and maybe move around overseas in the next few years and i don't think it would be fair to do that with children. children seem to need stability and routine - two things that spell boredom to me.

I couldn't agree with you more.