Anyone Child Free By Choice?

Souk08

Just do a Marie Helvin and David Bailey. Sure I once read that they were married for years but on her insistence never lived together! I love living alone and am not lonely as I have made the effort to get out and make friends!

poorandindenial

That's my plan! I just have to persuade him it is his too.

Just remembered that I hacen't sent my niece and nephew anything for Easter - oh dear. Oh well, a bit late now, I am sure they will get enought sugary crap and naff cuddly things from other people.

BubblyMumbles

poorandindenial wrote: »

Hi all

I just popped in to tell you about (another) crazy conversation with someone and I saw all the NY travel tips - loving them as I am heading there in 4 weeks with a friend, I can't wait. I was thinking I might try and get us tickets for Wicked on Broadway.

And now the dull bit, I have just come back from Aus where I had a bit of an odd conversation with my OH's friend's fiance (stay with me people)

She is really lovely and basically just started speaking without thinking, but she asked me when we were going to get married, I explained that we weren't so...

Her: but what about when you have kids?
Me: well I am not having kids
Her: does X (my OH) know?
Me: Yes, we do talk and I haven't been telling him one thing and you another
Her: of course, sorry, so what about his mum
Me: Am I going out with his mum, I am confused why she has a say in my relationship
Her: [laughs] good point, I am really sorry, I am just stunned, I am not sure that it is what X wants
Me: well X and I do talk and have been together for 4 years, I haven't hidden any of this from him and he is a big lad and makes his own decisions
Her: but you could lose him
Me: Only if we want different things, in which case maybe we need to have a long hard think about our relationship (at this point I welled up - I blame jetlag)
Her: Does Y (her OH, my OH's best mate) know about this
Me: I am going to the loo

I have done her a bit of a diservice by cutting out the apologies and she really is a lovely woman, it is just that my world is so different to what she and presumably the people she knows live that it completely wrong footed her.

Anyhow - NY here I come..... (in 4 weeks)

OMG, people don't even try to hide their utter shock when you tell them you don't want kids. It never ceases to amaze me. We're expected to feign interest in other people's kids but a lot of people just don't get the CFBC thing at all.

Have a brilliant time in NY!!! Am sooo jealous!!!

Souk08 wrote: »

bubbymumbles I'm a Scot too but a TOTAL city chick. X

Oh, which city? I'm a Weegie and love the place.

Little_Maya

Can I join the club? I'm in my late 30s and have never ever wanted kids. Luckily for me, most of my friends (and that's the guys as well as the girls) have said "no thanks" to kids as well . To be precise only 2 of my friends have children, one of which lives at the other end of the country anyway .

Souk08

I'm from Ayrshire but have adopted Glasgow as my city of choice!

BubblyMumbles

Souk08 wrote: »

I'm from Ayrshire but have adopted Glasgow as my city of choice!

That's a good choice! :T :beer:

Steel_2

poorandindenial wrote: »

If I am completely honest with myself my wish to live solo may be what drives me and OH apart in the end as I know that he would like us to live together, and the thought of that does upset me, but equally living together would probably be the end. Rock and hard place, same outcome.

I was really torn when I met hubby - I knew he was for me but equally I felt trapped. I have lots of hobbies and interests and like my own space. I need several hours of peace and quiet every day or I go nuts. Then I discovered so did he!

We now each have a hobby room in the house plus one other room where we can go for quiet, and we each have a shed in the back garden, me for gardening stuff and him for his cars.

As long as you have someone who respects your space and doesn't need to be attached to you all the time you'll be ok. If they always trail around after you though because they don't like being alone you will have problems.

I've always found having the space means we always have things to talk about when we get together during the day. We always have stories to relate and things to share with one another. In fact it's rare when we get together that we ever stop talking. People have commented at parties how lovely it is to see us nose deep in discussion about something - apparently we should be fed up with each others company and looking to get away from one another!

Oh and I'll add my child-free voice to this thread - we have no children and no plans to have them either. Never had a maternal urge in my life and hubby at nearly 50 does not want to be a father. We are very, very careful.

My mother has remarked how bad this is because: 'we have so many skills and so much knowledge we should be passing on to some offspring". Her and my father moved to be near us after we married so "they could help out with any kids" and are now getting angry we aren't producing them, despite me making it clear for many many years beforehand that I would not be having children and both hubby and I telling them before they moved their presence nearby would not make us change our minds. My sister has two kids but it appears they have not been brought up they way my parents wanted so they've switched tack in the hope they can pressure me into having some so they can have a direct hand in their upbringing. Sick puppet game really.

My MIL has told me what we do with our lives is our business and nothing to do with her or FIL - that she just wants us to be happy.

Most of our friends say things like "we have to suffer why shouldn't you!" in a jokey way but they have accepted our decision. We like their kids - we play with them and take them out. The only friend who hasn't accepted our decision not to have children we longer speak to. I'd known her for 12 years when she had her first child, but after the second child she decided that we didn't have anything in common and wanted to mix only with other mums.

ceridwen

becksterb wrote: »

Wow, I'm amazed there are others out there!! Why is it that people make you feel wierd cause you dont want kids?! I had to visit my GP this week, and he tried to tell me that I'm depressed and in denial that I don't want kids!! No - I like my house to stay clean, tidy and vomit free - nowt wrong in that!!!:rotfl:

Have you changed GP's yet to a more sensible one then?:rotfl:

Treacly

Steel wrote: »

I was really torn when I met hubby - I knew he was for me but equally I felt trapped. I have lots of hobbies and interests and like my own space. I need several hours of peace and quiet every day or I go nuts. Then I discovered so did he!

We now each have a hobby room in the house plus one other room where we can go for quiet, and we each have a shed in the back garden, me for gardening stuff and him for his cars.

As long as you have someone who respects your space and doesn't need to be attached to you all the time you'll be ok. If they always trail around after you though because they don't like being alone you will have problems.

This is so resonant for me...I think not wanting children and liking time alone are two sides of the same coin. One of the major reasons I've never wanted kids is because to have offspring means you will never be alone again. Most people seem to see that as a bonus, but it horrifies me. I couldn't bear the thought of putting my happiness in someone else's hands - witness some of the heartbreaking threads on these boards from parents whose children make their lives an absolute misery.

I can recommend 'Party of one: The Loners Manifesto' by Anneli S. Rufus. Reading it at the age of forty-something helped me make sense of how I'd felt my whole life. I have lived very happily with my OH for nearly 16 years, but I still think of myself as a loner, if that makes any sense at all!

mrcow

Treacly wrote: »

This is so resonant for me...I think not wanting children and liking time alone are two sides of the same coin. One of the major reasons I've never wanted kids is because to have offspring means you will never be alone again. Most people seem to see that as a bonus, but it horrifies me.

As a parent, you don't get any time to yourself. I can't remember the last time I even had a bath without someone coming in to ask me something or to go to the loo etc. When I go to the loo myself, there's about a 70% chance that someone will come in - I don't even bother to close the door anymore. It doesn't sound like a massive deal and on many levels I'd say it was a positive thing - obviously I love my family.

But that whole having the time and space to think about things, to work out where your head is, to be at peace with your feelings.......I just don't have that anymore. I go to work for peace and quiet as the time in the car is the only time I get to sit in relative quiet (and even then I'm performing a task so can't actually concentrate on what feeling etc.).

I don't even notice half the time. I think you become hardened to it. But I do envy my child-free best friends who are able to swank about as they please (without having to perform a small miitary operation in terms of babysitters/dinners/bedtime routines first) and seem to have as much peace and quiet as they need.

Even whilst I'm typing this, I've got loads of activity going on in the background (all of which I'm having to monitor which happens like second nature to me now). I wouldn't change my life for the world, but sometimes I wish I could just turn the volume knob off for a couple of hours a week.