Anyone Child Free By Choice?

jamespir

tabskitten wrote: »

I persoanally have always thought it slightly hypocritical to be anti abortion if you use contraception.........

No doubt i'll be slated for that one..........

no becasue youre preventing the sperm reaching the egg to stop it concieving with contraception once its concieved it becomes an embryo which is living and thats why people are against abortion

Rosie75

I do think you can know if you don't like something without trying it - and that it's patronising to suggest to child-free people that they somehow don't know their own minds. There are plenty of things we regularly decide not to do on the basis that, although we haven't actually tried it, we have a fairly good idea of what it entails and decide it's not for us. If someone doesn't have maternal or paternal feelings - why do others feel the need to be condescending and say "ah, but once you have your own...", etc? I'm child-free by choice, too. I don't doubt that if an accident happened and I ended up pregnant I would have the child, love it and do my very best to be a good parent. But parenthood is not a choice I would actively make. I know three women who admitted to me that they wished they hadn't had children. These were all women who I would consider to be good mothers and I'm sure their children would never know that they felt like this. Of course, I know many more women that don't regret their choices to become mothers, but the crucial difference between the two is that the latter were generally desperate to have children, whereas the former felt under pressure or became mothers accidentally. I just don't understand why child-free couples can't be left alone to make their own choices about their own lives, bodies and finances without being interrogated and patronised at every turn. The minute my husband and I got married, it seemed like every busybody who barely knows us felt it appropriate to comment upon us starting a family, ie. when, whether our house is big enough, who should give up work, etc. I'm getting so fed up with it that I'm seriously considering telling people we can't have children just to shut them up.

catkins

DevilsAdvocate1 wrote: »

But that's the thing - I've done both. I was childless for a long time.

How can you know unless you've done both?

D.

I spent a lot of time with babies and children. I looked after my niece from when she was 4 weeks old so I think I do know what it would be like to have a child and I am happy that I have not got any.

Over the years I have met so many mums and dads who say if they could go back in time they would have not have children. They do love their child(ren) but if given a second chance would chose not to have any. I think that is sad because I honestly have never once regretted my choice not to have children and if I could go back in time I would back the same choice.

catkins

DevilsAdvocate1 wrote: »

I agree it should be talked about, but I don't think it means the end of your marriage or an unhappy marriage if you end up having to compromise. I wanted children - my husband did not. I also wanted children (plural) rather than having one compromise child.
D.

I am pleased for you that it worked out but for many couples it does not which is what I was saying in my other post.

Did you get married knowing your husband did not want children? If so, why? Did you intend changing his mind?

mumps

catkins wrote: »

I spent a lot of time with babies and children. I looked after my niece from when she was 4 weeks old so I think I do know what it would be like to have a child and I am happy that I have not got any.

Over the years I have met so many mums and dads who say if they could go back in time they would have not have children. They do love their child(ren) but if given a second chance would chose not to have any. I think that is sad because I honestly have never once regretted my choice not to have children and if I could go back in time I would back the same choice.

It is a gamble either way, I worked with a man who was CF as his wife never wanted children. She became ill (I dont know the details but assumed it was cancer) and needed an urgent hysterectomy. She had a breakdown, spent time in hospital and he basically went through hell for a couple of years. Eventually he bought her a puppy who became her reason for living. I also worked with someone my own age who needed a hysterectomy, she had never wanted kids but became a complete pain to work with after the op. You couldn't mention children, if anyone became pregnant the offices had to be reorganised to minimise the chances of her seeing their "bump" We all have to live with our choices. Sometimes it is hard. When I am tired and stressed I sometimes think what a breeze life would have been without four kids.

DevilsAdvocate1

catkins wrote: »

I am pleased for you that it worked out but for many couples it does not which is what I was saying in my other post.

Did you get married knowing your husband did not want children? If so, why? Did you intend changing his mind?

No, we discussed it before and split up for a while as he didn't want to get married or have children. I ended it as I knew that both of these things were important to me. When he rang me, I hung up. It was hard, as I loved him, but I knew that I couldn't continue a relationship when I knew that marriage and children were never going to be on the cards.

Eventually, he insisted that we met. He proposed and we got married 2 years later, starting a family 2 years after that. And we've never looked back. He has since said it was the best thing he ever did. He has also admitted that if I hadn't ended it he would never have proposed.

On another note, I had (notice the past tense!) 1 very good friend who always maintained that her and her husband didn't want children. When my first baby was born, she started to blank me. He was just becoming a toddler when she started talking to me again and I fell pregnant for the second time. Again, once the baby was born, if she saw me with him she would blank me. I suspect that she wanted children but her DH didn't - why else would she blank me when I had a baby with me? She is in her 50s now, so its not going to happen.

D.

Lunar_Eclipse

ceridwen wrote: »

.Someone could have 10 children - and I would still ask them "What have you DONE with your life?" and expect to hear something that they personally had done in response.

I suspect that a lot of women are looking at the World of Work these days (and - no I dont mean just chavs!..) and deciding "That doesnt look very attractive to me - I'll have a career at Mummyhood and leave my husband and/or the State (ie the rest of us) to pay my 'wages' " ....:cool::think::silenced::silenced::silenced:

I have done a few things with my life so far; I'm 38. These include gaining a 1st class honours degree, two olympic medals, being the youngest person (let alone woman) to get an international manager's job at a blue chip multi-national company and running my own successful online company. I am also married with two children (but am intrigued by the CFBC concept hence reading this thread )

I am currently a SAHM, entirely by choice. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Being a good parent is virtually impossible; it is incredibly mentally challenging and physically exhausting even for fit and healthy parents and with straightforward easy children.

I find this comment extremely insulting. A career at Mummyhood is the hard option and far from feeling that my husband is paying my wages (:mad::rotfl:), I/we have chosen huge financial sacrifices to do what we feel is best for our children.

Do you sub-consciously feel that you haven't done much with your own life, hence your supposed belief that raising children doesn't count?

My very hard working husband says being a dad is the best thing he has ever done in his life, so it's not necessarily a 'Mum thing'. I think he surprised himself the most by feeling this.

Lunar_Eclipse

DevilsAdvocate1 wrote: »

Those who are child free seem to think having lies in, take aways and going to fabulous places for holidays is far more exciting that having children. I always get the impression that they feel sorry for me because I no longer do these things, or don't do them as much.

Understandably, I don't think most people realise this until they have children. I agree that family life is much richer; I also found it significantly more meaningful.

I can remember having periods of being bored before DH & I had children; oh how I long for a bit of boredom now!

On a positive, we still have lie-ins, take aways and now, fabulous holidays. It can happen and is different for everyone; I think it takes a while for families to figure out the shape they want their lives to take and how to prioritise and allocate money to expenditures.

tabskitten

jamespir wrote: »

no becasue youre preventing the sperm reaching the egg to stop it concieving with contraception once its concieved it becomes an embryo which is living and thats why people are against abortion

The sperm is living - as is the egg. The action of intercause is designed to introduce the two in order to fertilize the egg. Using contraceptive to intervene with the course of nature is the same as removing it once the two have met surely?

Almo

Why on earth do people think it is acceptable to come on a child free thread and tell others that they are not fulfilling their purpose, or that their lives aren't meaningful?

I have NEVER criticised people for having children, and wouldn't dream of doing so and I take offence at you guys making these comments.