Feeling Trapped

jamespir

perhaps theres a reason why hes acting like he is maybe hes not feeling respected by you feeling trapped perhaps you could talk things through and see an amicable way you cna sort this out

jamespir

keys wrote: »

I know it sounds a bit harsh but why dont you book a weekend away { cheap one } with you and your baby and do not tell OH about it or contact him [ maybe tell members of family - to keep quiet }
Then when he gets up one morning he will realise you have gone . Him going away on his own would have been quite easy for him I imagine { a bit like a mini holiday }.
Whereas if he is left in the house without either of you he will miss the simple things and the routine of both of you being there . It might just give him the wake up call he needs to realise he will loose everything if he doesnt shape up and fast !??

why when hes the one whose brought this child up youre punishing him for being a stay at home dad he's probably grumpy beacasue he probably isnt getting the respect he deserves

they are both at fault here not just the father

ninky_2

Poodlecrazy wrote: »

If you really feel that there is no way to redress the balance within your relationship and feel that it is definitely over I see you have no option but to leave. As the mother you arguably have the first right to take your daughter with you, whether this is fair or not I don't know but I certainly didn't contemplate doing anything else and we're all doing fine now.

Good luck

would this actually be legal without the father's permission or some sort of decision from the courts? i'm genuinely shocked if so. it's like the reverse version of 'not without my daughter', with the woman who married the iranian guy who took her daughter back to iran (where men are automatically given custody). gender equality should work both ways.

chesky369

Your boyfriend is exhibiting all the signs of lack of confidence and slight depression - classic signs that women who have been at home with children show after being out of the job market for a few years.

In fact, your initial postings could have reflected those my daughter would have sent a few years ago - a lightbulb moment, when she came home from work and found herself mowing the lawn, after having hung out the childrens' clothes, made her think 'what am I doing here?'

BUT and it's a big but - you will find it very, very tough on your own with a child, since you have been used to having childcare on tap. Your b/f willl have to shape up and get a job, so he won't be around to help. It's not easy, so you will have to be prepared for a few really hardyears. Not cheap either.

When my daughter was going through this I accused her of colluding in the situation - I was right, it was easier for her to moan about it and have everyone sympathising with how she 'did everything' - work, cooking, gardening, etc. and she had the moral high ground. But she had ALLOWE him to get away with it - on e-bay all day, then playing computer games all night. When they split up, he had to actually WORK. And she had to find someone to look after the children.

Tough all round.

But sometimes it has to be done.

Feeling_Trapped

jamespir wrote: »

why when hes the one whose brought this child up youre punishing him for being a stay at home dad he's probably grumpy beacasue he probably isnt getting the respect he deserves

they are both at fault here not just the father

How exactly am I at fault? I want the relationship to work, have repeatedly (yes some may say nagged) him to find out what is wrong, what can I do, we need to talk etc.

I thank him for every small blooming thing he does, partly because I don't want to take him for granted (and partly, I will admit, so that he can't say I do!).

I do wish people would ignore the fact that it is the father at home and me out at work. Yes I think I find it harder than a man would as I don't think a man would "miss" going to toddler group etc. with all the screaming children.

But that's not the issue. He is making the relationship break down. I may have started it with my pnd issues, but I am trying to get over that. Relationships aren't easy or perfect, but at least I can see that.

ninky_2

did you discuss how the childcare was going to work before you had children feeling_trapped? did you assume it would be you at home and him at work or did you not think about it?

i'm just interested because i would have thought this was one of the first things people discuss when they are thinking of having children.

it doesn't sound like he's about to swap the roles around so either you are going to have to be a single mum who goes out to work or a single mum on benefits. i can't see either of those being preferable.

jamespir

Feeling_Trapped wrote: »

How exactly am I at fault? I want the relationship to work, have repeatedly (yes some may say nagged) him to find out what is wrong, what can I do, we need to talk etc.

I thank him for every small blooming thing he does, partly because I don't want to take him for granted (and partly, I will admit, so that he can't say I do!).

I do wish people would ignore the fact that it is the father at home and me out at work. Yes I think I find it harder than a man would as I don't think a man would "miss" going to toddler group etc. with all the screaming children.

But that's not the issue. He is making the relationship break down. I may have started it with my pnd issues, but I am trying to get over that. Relationships aren't easy or perfect, but at least I can see that.

what i meant was you both have issues that need to be addressed it annoyed me that everyone jumped on the father caliming he was the problem when deep down he proabbly isnt

honeypop

Feeling_Trapped wrote: »

I think I find it harder than a man would as I don't think a man would "miss" going to toddler group etc. with all the screaming children.

My DH currently has one day off work in the week - while I work myself - which he spends taking DS (8 months) to baby/toddler groups. As things are very tight at the moment, we are having to look at him working this extra day each week, even though putting DS in childcare for the day means we will only be a small amount up each month, it is that amount we need. DH (and I support him on this) is very reluctant to give up this day together as he will really miss taking DS to these groups, as seeing him interacting with other babies and toddlers is an amazing thing. Screaming children or not, he will miss it.

Making generalisations about what mothers and fathers 'should' do is what is kind of getting posters back up on this thread, your comment is making the same generalisations.

paddy's_mum

Fault really doesn't come into it. The relationship has collapsed. Who said what to who is now almost irrelevent. The boyfriend's 'can't/won't discuss it' is all the proof that is needed to see that the end is nigh.

If he really, really will not agree to counselling and go into it wholeheartedly, there are no options other than to do what thousands of other couples have to - 'divorce', disentangle and move on.

That's the bottom line, OP, and all the agonising in the world won't alter it, hard and painful though that is to realise.

Have you sought counselling in your own right to help you come to terms with the unhappy place that you're now in and maybe give you guidance into where you both go from here?

It's sad but as others have said, you both need to bluddy well communicate, sort it out and together, as parents, do your best by your child. I wish you well at what must be an incredibly difficult time for you all.

lostinrates

Feeling_Trapped wrote: »

I do wish people would ignore the fact that it is the father at home and me out at work. Yes I think I find it harder than a man would as I don't think a man would "miss" going to toddler group etc. with all the screaming children.
.

OK, this is back to the original reason there is an ''unease'' in the communication and you feel a lack of support from posters. I, for example, feel confident in saying my issue with your roles is not about you or him in the least: frankly...what you or him like or dislike, find easy or tough about your roles is nothing I'm commenting on ....the relevance for me is in how it has felt to your child....and in that respect it is impossible to ignore.