Feeling Trapped

lostinrates

I remember the other thread too, and a frustration that what you perceived from me as your boyfriend's rights to access to your daughter was actually an attempt to say I felt your daughter's consistency might be to stay with her current full time parent. I felt the otherswho you felt were shooting you down were saying similar. It was not anything in the way of siding with your partner or against you, but your daughter.

I really hope you find the right answer for you all soon. Remaining as things are now is clearly not helpful to anyone. Good luck.

ninky_2

is there a way that you could end the relationship but still have him heavily involved in your daughters life? it sounds like he has a good relationship with your daughter. why consider having to pay a foreign au pair when he does this free and i'm sure has far more emotionally invested in his daughter than an au pair would?

do you think it would be better for your daughter if you split up? i'm not saying stay together just for her sake necessarily but don't throw the baby out with the bathwater so to speak. although he isn't making an effort with you he does make an effort with his daughter and this is surely worth keeping?

shared parenting / custody could be an option.

paddy's_mum

You need professional help, such as Relate or some form of Family Counselling.

There are too many pointers here of a relationship that is being strained to breaking point and it will explode if some of the pressure isn't released.

For all your sakes, seek outside input before irreparable damage is done. That sleeping in the spare room ought to be a massive red alert to both of you.

*Jellie*

Have you been to CAB or got a free consult with a solicitor to find out what is likely to happen if you ask him to leave?
At least then you will know what you will have to deal with.

misgrace

Couldnt he get an evening job in a pub or shelf filling for example, that way he would be doing some sort of work.
There are loads of sahp and some posters on here that do this.

I can understand how you feel resentful, it probabaly did start off with you missing out on your daughter, but as weeks go by you are seeing and noticing other things, like he doesnt pull his weight, makes no effort to find a job, is now sleeping in different rooms.

If you feel there is no way back from this, then you need to as they say in the states.. 'chit or get off the pot'.

I think you need to gather as much info as you can with regards to where you stand with your daughter.
I dont want to give you false hope and say he wouldnt get custody of her, personally I dont he will, but you need to start doing your homework, as you cannot possibly carry on like this for years and years, its not fair on you, or BF, and definately not fair on your daughter.

Let us know how things go.:)

Lotus-eater

Feeling_Trapped wrote: »

Poodlecrazy hits it on the head. I feel responsible for everything which annoys me. I do all the "difficult" parts of looking after our daughter. I get her up and dressed (which she hates cos she'd rather be playing) and I give her her dinner when I get in from work, and bath her and put her to bed.

See I'm a SAHD, my OH does miss seeing her DS and she positively would be very upset if she couldn't give him his first bottle in the morning, feed him when she gets home, bath him and put him to bed.
Far from being difficult parts of looking after a child, these are key bonding moments
How much do you really miss your DD and how much is jealousy because of the relationship breakdown?

bestpud

I'm astounded people are saying he must account for the time he spends with his dd and the money he spends! If a husband made their wife fill in a daily log, it would be bordering on domestic violence and I can imagine the strength of feeling it would arouse on here!

As far as housework goes, I'm afraid we will be treated like a doormat for as long as we lie down and allow people to walk over us.

Your dd sounds like a pawn and that is sad imo.

It's all very well talking of moving out, or chucking him out, and getting an au pair, but he is her main carer. She would not only have to deal with the separation but the loss of her attachment figure - that could be pretty distressing for a young child!

The pair of you need to grow up and start thinking about your dd - at present you are both too wrapped up in your own 'troubles' to see how it may be for her. You seem more worried about getting one over on him by keeping all the benefits than doing the best for your child.

But, that said, something needs to change.

What about the two of you going to relate?

How about you sit him down and tell him straight you feel the relationship is over, and see what he says?

It seems to me shared custody may be the way to go, and I'd be very concerned (and hopefully a judge would too) if you were thinking it ok to take your child from her main caregiver and just hand her back every other weekend, or whatever.

How about he has her during the day, along with the benefits, and you have her in the evenings/weekends?

That way you lose the benefits but you are not paying for childcare, your dd keeps her main carer, and you can use your wages for the things you want?

But really, just talk to him about it as he may be thinking the same as you - you never know!

Lotus-eater

bestpud wrote: »

I'm astounded people are saying he must account for the time he spends with his dd and the money he spends! If a husband made their wife fill in a daily log, it would be bordering on domestic violence and I can imagine the strength of feeling it would arouse on here!

Yeah, I'm not going to even bother commenting on that.

:rotfl::rotfl:






Men are pigs etc etc

southoftheriver

I think this is a very complex issue that can't be easily solved, let alone by internet strangers. I agree with those who have suggested counselling as a way forward, even if it ends up just being you on your own.

I'm not sure how you would be able to argue that you should be the primary carer if your partner has always been, and your OH is good at this role.

If a SAHM wrote a post saying that she had been the primary carer and that her OH had asked her to keep a daily log, and then had told her to leave without the child there would be outrage.

I don't doubt your frustrating and angst OP, I just think there needs to be some careful thought with input from a professional before action is taken.

jdturk

mummy_Jay wrote: »

Think more he's like a au-pair or child care. Give him a set amount a week (for a CM is about £3 per hr, he's doing 45 hours, so thats £135 per week), take off his share of the mortagage & bills, then leave him to use the remainder of his money to pay for HIS car, HIS petrol & HIS mobile. Also buy him a cheap exercise book and tell him as your paying for him to be childcare you expect the same service, which includes a detailed written account of what your DD has been doing each day.

A SAHM would also be doing the housework too, he is not so he only qualifies for the childcare allowance equal to that of a childminder. If he doesn't like it he needs to go out and get a job, himself.

It's obvious from what you have said there is not relationship left between you, so maybe its time to move it on to a more effective arrangement for the time being whilst you work out what you want to do.

The OP has stated that he does do the housework in one of her posts....