Feeling Trapped

DigitalJedi

Hmmm, if the sexes were reversed, I know what the majority would be saying.

The important facts are as follows:

- He is primary carer.
- He is named on the deeds so you can't simply kick him out.

What he is doing is no different to what SAHM's have done for a millenia. Us men have had to suck it up and often expected to pay maintenance, not see the kids reguarly. What's "fair" doesn't really come into it. This is the status quo.

So in my view, the same applies here. What you want is to have your cake and to eat it. You want to work, look after your daughter and push your ex out of her life because he is not doing what you believe he should do.

What about what he wants? What about what is best for DD? How can it be better for her to be taken away from her stay at home dad and put into a nursery/au-pair/whatever just because you decided it was all over.

If you were a bloke people would be telling you to leave DD with mum, man up and leave. So given its the age of equality now, if you wanna go, go. Leave them and stump up maintenance every month and see DD every other weekend and possibly once during the week like a lot of single dad's have to make do with. Why should it be any different just because you have a uterus?

You may want to look at if part of the issue is yourself. If a bloke dared to suggest his partner was lazy for staying at home looking after the child and expecting him to do some of the housework then he'd be flamed in no time. In fact, I'd love to see the reaction a bloke would get if he suggested his wife registered for JSA too!!!!

As for him moving into the spare room. Frankly I don't blame him. I don't think I'd want to live with someone so selfish either and am guessing he feels pretty damn trapped too!

Sunshine12

I think its awful you feel like this but if a man posted this saying same about his wife I do agree there would be some very different reponses.

sazzybum

Sunshine12 wrote: »

I think its awful you feel like this but if a man posted this saying same about his wife I do agree there would be some very different reponses.

They just did- on the Moneysavers Arms, and were rumbled pretty quickly! Only it was written as if the wife was being told by her husband to get a job...was very strange:)

sazzybum

giclabia wrote: »

I am not strange!

Did I say YOU were strange? I said IT was strange as in a sense of deja vu

Lotus-eater

sazzybum wrote: »

They just did- on the Moneysavers Arms, and were rumbled pretty quickly! Only it was written as if the wife was being told by her husband to get a job...was very strange:)

Tee hee, someone with a SOH, proves a point though

ninky_2

an interesting experiment. does it change the way you respond?

Feeling_Trapped wrote: »

I feel that I am trapped in a situation and can’t see a way out.

I want to leave my gf. We have a 16 month old daughter together. Shee is a stay at home mum and I work full time.

I hate the fact that I don’t see a lot of my daughter and gf doesn’t tell me what she gets up to all day, or what she eats etc. But that’s not why I want to leave her.

We have a mortgage to pay and all bills. Now I could just move out and pay maintenance to gf, but I can’t leave my daughter, which is where I come to the trapped bit.

I have been on here before saying that I would just take my daughter and stay with my parents and have been shot down in flames, everyone going on about my gf’s rights to her. Even though she managed to just go away for two weeks last month. I figured it would give her time to think about our relationship, but she said, “No, I just got drunk.”

I don’t want to give up my job as although I hate it... it’s a job! And there aren’t many out there at the moment. If I had to though, I would give it up and what? Live off benefits. I guess so. What else could I do? Not a great upbringing for daughter though.

I feel like I am so stuck and don’t know what to do. I work all day for a woman that doesn’t seem to appreciate it and I’m missing seeing my daughter grow up.

well does it?

sazzybum

ninky wrote: »

an interesting experiment. does it change the way you respond?



well does it?

I don't think it changed the way I responded, or thought about it ninky...all I could think about was 'what are you up to? posting the same situation on two different boards-as two different people? Unfortunately-no matter who the sex of whomever is the money-earner (sometimes both) It's a sad fact that they will miss out on some aspects of their childrens lives, but I think it makes the children more independent, more adaptable-but before I'm shot down in flames-that's only my personal opinion. I worked throughout my sons lives-as did my ex husband, and they've both turned out to be wonderful young men, both in the Army (I'm sure I've mentioned that 100 times before) Sometimes we have to make choices...can't please 'em all-all the time.:o

Welshwoofs

"that doesn’t seem to appreciate it"
"and he doesn't seem to want anything to do with me"
"He seems to think he does "everything.""

Op - do you notice anything in the quotes I've picked out of your postings above?

A lot of 'seems' there and that says to me that you and your bloke aren't talking about your problems. If you aren't talking about the problems then a lot of misunderstandings and assumptions can happen that can make it worse.

Consider....you say you resent him. No doubt, knowing you intimately, your bloke can sense when you are resentful towards him. He thinks you don't want anything more to do with him so he moves out of your bedroom.

You see where I'm going with this?

Personally before throwing away your relationship, as he seems to be a good father on the face of it, I'd get you both off to couples counselling and see if the problems can't be sorted out once they're out in the open.

lostinrates

ninky wrote: »

an interesting experiment. does it change the way you respond?



well does it?

I feel equally sad about the situation. I feel equally concerned for the child, and sad that their is lack of communication and a lot of talk about what one feels and both do, but not what child might feel ...

I can't honestly tell if I feel different about the sex...I'm trying...but I know..and so can't recognise whether I'm really impacted or not. Its a good change though.

I don't think its helpful if someone is ''experiementing'' with this in the Arms though, although its interesting. I think OP feels misunderstood and, she admits she feels ''trapped''. I don't think she can see right now the PoV from other angles as anything other than unsupportive, which is a shame.

I just find it sad that this little family of three it seems all three must be sad.

Sunshine12

My automatic response if a man had written the original post would have totally been different than a woman posting the very same thing. Thats totally wrong but true. If Im being honest I also dont think a man would have posted it in the first place as he would have been completely slated from the word go for even remarking on some of the things included in the OP's posts.