Feeling Trapped

Feeling_Trapped

I feel that I am trapped in a situation and can’t see a way out.

I want to leave my bf. We have a 16 month old daughter together. He is a stay at home dad and I work full time.

I hate the fact that I don’t see a lot of my daughter and bf doesn’t tell me what she gets up to all day, or what she eats etc. But that’s not why I want to leave him.

We have a mortgage to pay and all bills. Now I could just move out and pay maintenance to bf (as I guess this is what would happen if it was the normal situation and the mother stayed at home), but I can’t leave my daughter, which is where I come to the trapped bit.

I have been on here before saying that I would just take my daughter and stay with my parents and have been shot down in flames, everyone going on about my bf’s rights to her. Even though he managed to just go away for two weeks last month. I figured it would give him time to think about our relationship, but he said, “No, I just got drunk.”

I don’t want to give up my job as although I hate it... it’s a job! And there aren’t many out there at the moment. If I had to though, I would give it up and what? Live off benefits. I guess so. What else could I do? Not a great upbringing for daughter though.

I feel like I am so stuck and don’t know what to do. I work all day for a man that doesn’t seem to appreciate it and I’m missing seeing my daughter grow up.

Ivrytwr3

ha ha!! welcome to the real world!! Unfortunately women want to work (and good on them!), but you're only resenting what men have been doing for many, many years.

Going out to work and missing their children growing up.

But respect for you for actually wanting to work and not sponging on benefits!

shellsuit

Why do you want to leave him??

I remember your other thread, and it still seems that you resent him for being at home with your daughter while you're out working.

What about sharing the work and both of you going part time so one of you will be with your daughter when the other works.

Or what about him getting a full time job and you staying at home with your daughter?

tabskitten

what is your job?
why doesn't he work?
if you are unhappy in work too as said before- find a pt solution where you both share your dd and the work........

Mini_Bear

also although you are the working parent i still think you would get custody of the child over your partner. The law always sides with the mother in my experience. Is the child benefit and CTC and WTC all paid to you or your partner?
Why not tell your partner you would like him to contribute to the household, get a job at weekd or whatever. That way you will get some time with your child, and he will get some confidence and cash.
if you suspect his drinking is putting your child in danger you know what you have to do. a partner who goes AWOL for two weeks can't be trusted in my opinion. Good luck OP it seems that you know u have to leave him. I would speak to shelter and see what your rights are.

Poodlecrazy

Hi

Thought I'd pitch in from a different point of view! I am a single mum to my now 6 year old daughter. I split up with her dad when she was 6 months and have always been the main 'worker'. My parents have been invaluable in terms of support and I don't really think it would have been half as rewarding without their support.

I was slightly different from you ( I think at least) in that I really wanted to be in work full time and have no real desire to be a stay at home parent, even on a part time basis. I did however resent the fact that her dad didn't seem even slightly inclined to work even on a part time basis. It was this that drove my annoyance rather than the feeling of missing out, it was more as if I was responsible for absolutely everything.

Anyhow, enough rambling from me lol! I would just advise that you get it very clear in your head what it is you don't like about your current set up is it the fact that you don't see your daughter as much as you'd like or is it actually him as the approach you take will depend on this. I see my daughter no more now than I did when we were together, but I don't feel annoyed with anyone as it is all on my terms if that makes sense!

Px

Feeling_Trapped

I don't think the reasons why I want to leave are important, but we have drifted apart and he doesn't seem to want anything to do with me. He has this little life that he has during the day which is great for my daughter, but he keeps me out of it to the extent that even when I do get in from work, he wants nothing to do with me.

I would like a balance of the two of us working, but he refuses to get one. Keeps saying there is nothing out there and won't even go and get JSA as the 5mins he has to spend there every other week is too much like hard work.

Poodlecrazy hits it on the head. I feel responsible for everything which annoys me. I do all the "difficult" parts of looking after our daughter. I get her up and dressed (which she hates cos she'd rather be playing) and I give her her dinner when I get in from work, and bath her and put her to bed. Bf does the daily interactio while I'm out. She is a very easy child, so no lectures about how hard toddlesr are please. She is a delight to be with.

I also do all the cooking in the house as bf says that when our daughter was first born and he did have a job, he used to have to come home and hoover and mop. The fact that I had a newborn and didn't get to sleep much doesn't seem to enter his head.

I also put washing on and hang it out. I also fill and empty the dishwasher if it needs doing. I just get on with it.

I do all the financial sides of things. Like insurance and budgeting. I used to do most of the shopping as I used to do a big online shop, but I've stopped doing this so much and we just buy as and when we need to.

Despite all this, he says he does "everything" for me. Even though he doesn't bother ironing my clothes, only his own.

I do resent him, I will admit that. I just feel that our relationship has gone down this path for so long. I have begged for him to open up to me, be with me, want me, etc. but he just isn't interested. He moved out of our bedroom last month and now it's just us living in a house together while I go out and work and he stays at home and looks after our child. There's no togetherness, nothing.

So yes I do resent the fact that I go out and work and pay for everything. Okay, he looks after our daughter 8-5 and I wouldn't mind that and would carry on doing it if we were a couple, but we're not. So I'm paying way over the odds for a childcarer (his share of mortgage/bills, his car, petrol, mobile phone, spending money etc).

shellsuit

Well in that case, tell him to shape up, or ship out!

If he's not pulling his weight in the home and not bringing home any bacon, I can see why you want to leave him.

But why would you have to leave with your daughter? I'd tell him that if he doesn't stop taking everything you do for granted, that you want him out.

OK you may not be able to still work full time if he leaves, but you could still do something as you may get help with childcare.

Poodlecrazy

I could have written a large proportion of that myself Feeling_Trapped. I can safely say from my perspective it was the best thing I did to call time on the relationship (not saying that it's always the case for everyone but for me it was).

Over 5 years on and me and her dad have a pretty good relationship and I am very happy with life. I don't feel resentment although I don't see DD anymore either. Everything I work for goes to her and me, I am not carrying anyone and that feels so much better. Her dad sees her once a week and I get time to do my own thing.

There seems to be this obligation placed on us by society to stay together when we have children unless things are really bad and I don't agree with it. I'm so glad I got out before the resentment built up to such an extent that we couldn't now work together to raise our daughter.

Good luck
x

jinky67

Sounds to me like he is taking the pish out of you.

You go out to work, you pay the bills, you do the housework, you get DD dressed, you cook the dinner when you come home

What EXACTLY does he do?:cool:

I would be, like Shell said, telling him to shape up or ship out

foxy-roxy

Your'e obviously very unhappy as i remember the other thread too, i really think you should leave him / or tell him to leave, whichever, as this won't get any better, it will only get worse.

I hope you can work something out for you and your daughters sake.

Good Luck & be strong, you only get one shot at life so enjoy it.