Feeling Trapped

Feeling_Trapped

Um.. thanks everyone (I think).

He point blank refuses to go counselling. He says there is nothing wrong with him, so why go. We don't talk about our relationship any more as we don't seen capable of it. Which is why I wanted to go counselling so we could avoid the mudslinging.

I have tried everything I can think of to make the relationship work, but he isn't interested. Putting aside who is the man and woman in the relationship, I still find it unfair that the only reason I am feeling trapped is because he don't want it to work.

The only reason he is the stay at home parent is because he has spent the last 10 years flitting from job to job and I have always been the one to keep it all together.

Pathetically, even though I feel he has mentally abused me and played mind games, I would stay with him as I do believe that the "best" option (financially and for daughter) is for us to stay together.

I don't want to leave, or kick him out. I want... I don't know what I want. But I still feel like I'm am going out to work for someone who doesn't appreciate what I'm doing, what I'm sacrificing.

I have tried to talk to him, but he is not interested, to the point where I feel that I am stupid and pathetic for even trying to have a conversation about it as he just point blank refuses to talk about it. As if I the weak one for wanting to make a go of it, when he doesn't seem to give a s*&^ about what happens.

I know there is the "well, look at how men feel" side of it. But I believe (yes, shoot me down here) that it is more natural for women to look after children. When you spend your whole life growing up, as a female, or at least I did, you grow up, meet a man, move in together, have children, look after them, etc. and when that is all messed up, it's hard to take take. I know that men have feelings, but I'm just saying how I feel. Boys/men spend their lives growing up to be the provider etc. As that is the norm. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying that what you expect when you grow up... isn't it? I'm not saying that women should spend their lives in the kitchen and men making the millions, but...

As for DigitalJedi, I don't "want" to work, but I know I have to, otherwise what example would I be setting for my daughter. But just for the record, even if I was a sahm, I definitely would have found a part time job by now!

As for the housework bit... he does do most of it... like you would expect a sahm to do. However I do all the cooking, budgeting, shopping (mainly), iron my own clothes, help with laundry and dishwashing.

There is no way I could have contemplated just leaving for two weeks like he did. No way, I just couldn't have left her, so how did he manage it?

Bit rambly I know, but I guess that is where my head is at at the moment.

Feeling_Trapped

Sunshine12 wrote: »

My automatic response if a man had written the original post would have totally been different than a woman posting the very same thing. Thats totally wrong but true. If Im being honest I also dont think a man would have posted it in the first place as he would have been completely slated from the word go for even remarking on some of the things included in the OP's posts.

Just curious as to what I said in my posts that would get slated. Might give me an insight as to why bf does seem to have such a problem with me.

keys_2

I feel for you Feeling Trapped
Just a suggestion , But you could give him an ultimatum of getting a part time job within the next 2 weeks : if he does so great .
But by the sounds of things he wont .
So basically you have 2 weeks that you can arrange childcare at a nursery / childminder with your WTC . There is two ways you could play it :
1. Book some time off work {holiday pay } or just work part time for a few weeks . In this time you can spend some time with your partner , with positive thoughts so you dont fall out . You may then be able to spend some time together and explain how you feel and maybe get some feelings back for each other .
2. Get the confidence with this time off that you can manage on your own and still work if he doesnt live there .And show him that he has to pull his weight and get a part time job because you feel your relationship is going down the pan and you want to spend more time with your daughter

You can also show him and your daughter that quailty time with him on your own is essential and the same for time on your own with dd and family together is also important . As he sounds like he adores your daughter aswell as you and explain you both have her intrest at heart .

Good luck whichever decision you make , but you surely cant carry on unhappy forever .

Feeling_Trapped

keys wrote: »

I feel for you Feeling Trapped
Just a suggestion , But you could give him an ultimatum of getting a part time job within the next 2 weeks : if he does so great .
But by the sounds of things he wont .
So basically you have 2 weeks that you can arrange childcare at a nursery / childminder with your WTC . There is two ways you could play it :
1. Book some time off work {holiday pay } or just work part time for a few weeks . In this time you can spend some time with your partner , with positive thoughts so you dont fall out . You may then be able to spend some time together and explain how you feel and maybe get some feelings back for each other .
2. Get the confidence with this time off that you can manage on your own and still work if he doesnt live there .And show him that he has to pull his weight and get a part time job because you feel your relationship is going down the pan and you want to spend more time with your daughter

You can also show him and your daughter that quailty time with him on your own is essential and the same for time on your own with dd and family together is also important . As he sounds like he adores your daughter aswell as you and explain you both have her intrest at heart .

Good luck whichever decision you make , but you surely cant carry on unhappy forever .

Thanks for the above.

I have already used up 2 weeks of this year's holidays when he went away for two weeks. I thought he'd used it to "think about our relationship," but obv not. It showed me that I can cope without him, I managed quite well in fact. Yes, I had help from family and friends.

I have spoken before about going down to a four day week, but he just said, "We can't afford it." Not quite sure how he would know as he doesn't have a clue what is in the bank account, as long as he gets his "pin" money.

I am trying so hard to be positive, and we are actually talking to each other. It's not constant bitterness. But then something will happen and we seem to take a couple of steps backwards all the time.

I just don't know what to do. Feeling that I'm constantly stalling for time, hoping that things will get better, but it's been going on for months now. We've been together since 1999, so in the grand scheme of things, maybe months isn't that long. Maybe we just weren't ready for the responsibility of having a child together, we were teenagers when we got together. I think we need counselling to help us see each other points of view and it infuriates me that he won't even consider it.

lostinrates

Feeling_Trapped wrote: »

Thanks for the above.

I have already used up 2 weeks of this year's holidays when he went away for two weeks. I thought he'd used it to "think about our relationship," but obv not. It showed me that I can cope without him, I managed quite well in fact. Yes, I had help from family and friends.

I have spoken before about going down to a four day week, but he just said, "We can't afford it." Not quite sure how he would know as he doesn't have a clue what is in the bank account, as long as he gets his "pin" money.

I am trying so hard to be positive, and we are actually talking to each other. It's not constant bitterness. But then something will happen and we seem to take a couple of steps backwards all the time.

I just don't know what to do. Feeling that I'm constantly stalling for time, hoping that things will get better, but it's been going on for months now. We've been together since 1999, so in the grand scheme of things, maybe months isn't that long. Maybe we just weren't ready for the responsibility of having a child together, we were teenagers when we got together. I think we need counselling to help us see each other points of view and it infuriates me that he won't even consider it.

OK, these posts are , more insightful, thank you.

I think with or with out him you need to get some clarity for you. This might be counseling for you alone. Its not something I usually advocate, certainly not lightly, but it seems you can't see the wood for the trees.

I don't think its necessarily best for your daughter you stay together unhappy. (the best would be if you can all be happy, if not then...you need to make other plans.) Your daughter needs a role model of a funcional relationship or strong independant people, not a disfunctional relationship.

I think the ultimatum with time limit is a poor idea. In times when jobs are plentiful then maybe. However, finding out what his entitlements are seems reasonable request.

I think an ultimatum of doing ''something'' whether its income generating, pulling more weight in the house etc is reasonable.

How could he afford to go on holiday with no income? Did you pay for it? I simply wouldn't have done.

peachyprice

foxy-roxy wrote: »

Do what makes you happy OP, because if your happy then your child will be too.

Hmm, not so sure about that, taking a child away from her Daddy who she's spent the majority of her life with.

You wouldn't say the same to a dad who was thinking taking a child away from her mother.

keys_2

I know it sounds a bit harsh but why dont you book a weekend away { cheap one } with you and your baby and do not tell OH about it or contact him [ maybe tell members of family - to keep quiet }
Then when he gets up one morning he will realise you have gone . Him going away on his own would have been quite easy for him I imagine { a bit like a mini holiday }.
Whereas if he is left in the house without either of you he will miss the simple things and the routine of both of you being there . It might just give him the wake up call he needs to realise he will loose everything if he doesnt shape up and fast !??

Feeling_Trapped

He paid for the flights with joint account money. He stayed with family.

I don't want to take her away from her daddy. I know it's unreasonable, but I find it upsetting when people mention that he is the one she knows etc., she knows me too . I have her in the evenings and weekends. She knows I'm mummy.

Feeling_Trapped

keys wrote: »

I know it sounds a bit harsh but why dont you book a weekend away { cheap one } with you and your baby and do not tell OH about it or contact him [ maybe tell members of family - to keep quiet }
Then when he gets up one morning he will realise you have gone . Him going away on his own would have been quite easy for him I imagine { a bit like a mini holiday }.
Whereas if he is left in the house without either of you he will miss the simple things and the routine of both of you being there . It might just give him the wake up call he needs to realise he will loose everything if he doesnt shape up and fast !??

The main reason I will not do this is because I would be devastated if he did it to me.

And if I do it to me, it gives him free rein to do it back to me without me being able to complain about it!

lostinrates

Feeling_Trapped wrote: »

He paid for the flights with joint account money. He stayed with family.

I don't want to take her away from her daddy. I know it's unreasonable, but I find it upsetting when people mention that he is the one she knows etc., she knows me too . I have her in the evenings and weekends. She knows I'm mummy.

OK, I can see how you are reading it and understand.

of course she knows, and loves and adores you. But its daddy who she is used to during the day. Her little life consists of loving you in the mornings and then in the evenings and weekends, and having Daddy all day long. Its a considerable shift to do otherwise. It might yet be the best thing, but putting aside how YOU feel, its how SHE feels, her norm ...

IMO this thing about how YOU feel, while important, is why you feel people are...impatient. Because while everybody wants to offer advise, from the outside, with no emotion its clear the primary issue in any decision is how you can keep you daughter feeling secure and happy, and how YOU feel, or what her daddy thinks/does/feels is a shame, but...not primary.

You two have some choice, she is dependant on you thinking want she wants/feels now and what she will want or feel in the future.

Could you see counsellor and then tell bf that you are not saying anything is worng with him, but there is something wrong with the realtionship and he needs to try and help fix it, or face that you will be making changes whcih might include leaving or asking him to leave?

I also think that a rethink of finances might be in order. do you have your own account as well as joint?