Feeling Trapped

euronorris

Feeling_Trapped wrote: »

In the beginning my problem was resentment over the time my bf spends with our daughter that I feel I miss out on.

Now, it is more that he doesn't want to be with me, like I have said, he has moved into the spare room and doesn't want anything to do with me.

I don't care about doing all the stuff at home, what I care about is the fact that we appear to have got to a point in our relationship where it is completely broken and can't be fixed, and I feel like I am stuck with him due to the fact that I work and he is the carer and I don't want to leave her.

Should I stick it out and just live there carrying on paying for everything just because he looks after her from 8-5?

I don't want to go down the road of sahm against sahd. I pay all the bills and mortgage because he would if I was the stay at home parent. That's not the issue!

Sorry if this has already been asked, I'm skipping ahead of the posts here a bit, but....Have you two tried going to Relate or couple's therapy?

I get a very strong impression that a lot of the issues you two are experiencing are due to a breakdown in communication.

Or, have you tried and he refuses to go?

I only ask because you have a child together and I believe (unless abuse is happening) that all couples with kids should at least try therapy before going their separate ways.

Again, sorry if this has already been asked and answered.

DigitalJedi

Feeling_Trapped wrote: »

I know there is the "well, look at how men feel" side of it. But I believe (yes, shoot me down here) that it is more natural for women to look after children. When you spend your whole life growing up, as a female, or at least I did, you grow up, meet a man, move in together, have children, look after them, etc. and when that is all messed up, it's hard to take take. I know that men have feelings, but I'm just saying how I feel. Boys/men spend their lives growing up to be the provider etc. As that is the norm. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying that what you expect when you grow up... isn't it? I'm not saying that women should spend their lives in the kitchen and men making the millions, but...secretly I wish it was like that

I'm a single dad. I am the main carer and the sole breadwinner (excluding token payment from the ex). I've done this for 7 years and you know what? I agree with you. You are right. Convention dictates that the woman stays at home whilst the man works. And here's the rub. Your situation is not conventional. The why and how is rather missing the point. This is the situation you are in NOW!

So let me play this back to you. You are projecting a lot of blame for this relationship onto him. Its HIS fault your situation is not conventional and you resent the fact you are the one who has to work whilst he stays at home. He is clearly happy being a kept man and so I can see why he thinks the problem is with you.

I note with interest that you have never once portrayed him to be a bad father. Thats good. There's a world of difference between being a bad partner and a bad dad. My ex would say I was a crap BF but I am a devoted dad.

So what do you do? Well if I am blunt, your relationship is doomed. It's just a matter of when and how you split. I suspect the only thing keeping you there really is the fact that if you left DD with him, you couldn't deal with the shame/guilt of being that mother who left their child. Something us men have to deal with everyday.

The problem is quite simple. You are unhappy and want to split. However, since your partner is the main carer this means you either have to somehow change that? (Hard given he won't work and you dont want to give up work) or you leave without DD. You can try to leave and take DD but legally he has every right to go to court and argue that as main carer, DD should be with you.

Frankly you need to stop looking for answers where you get 100% of what you want and start looking at compromising. Perhaps you could have DD 3 days a week or every weekend with one night during the week? A hard lesson I learned as a single dad is that you do what you can with the resources you have. What you WANT doesn't really come into it at all.

Feeling_Trapped

Thanks for the above. And I get the fact that we are not "conventional."

So... he decided (as he pretty much has done) that the relationship is over.

I have to accept that I can't have my daughter live with me due to the fact that I was the responsible one who managed to hold down a job?

And you're right. I never said he was a bad dad. Cos he isn't. He is the best with her and I would never say otherwise. But I like to think that I am also the best mum.

Thanks everyone. I'm trying to get everything in perspective.

ninky_2

i think what we as women have to accept is that as the world changes and allows us more choices - earning as much or more than men being one option, we will have to realise that the roles men have conventionally taken for so long are not all a bed of roses. both sides have their good and bad points.

one thing i would say is that whilst it is not up to you to dictate your partners role (i mean, you can't force someone else to be a provider or to not be a main caregiver to their children), you can have power over your own role. you can stop doing so much housework. if it just doesn't get done, so what? and you can stop going out to work - you might have to live with being poorer / on benefits.

you can decide to become a stay at home mum.

Rockporkchop

OP I am sorry that you seem to be getting some awful responses (as well as decent ones) to your posts - I don't understand why people are taking your posts the wrong way. I really feel for you and wish I could do something to help.

For the people who are saying that the OP will be taking her DD away from the person she's spent the majority of her life with - well I assume that after the OP gave birth to her DD she took her maternity leave so it the OP's OH has actually only cared for her for the last six(?) months of her 16 months. And the OP still cares for her daughter at both ends of the day.

OP - have you considered changing jobs but still doing your same type of job in the evenings? If I remember correctly what you do, there are literally dozens of agencies advertising evening work (I can PM you some if you can't find any) and you wouldn't have a drop in salary. It will be a bit tiring and you might have to pay a babysitter for the evenings but this will be peanuts compared to day care, and you will get to spend the whole day with your DD.

Also, you need to get some legal advice straight away - you might be surprised at what rights you have. You might be able to stay in the house after all, you might be entitled to credits or benefits to help you manage, you just never know until you find out.

And all of you banging on about the father's rights - it is pretty clear that the OP's OH is insisting on staying at home with their DD because it is the easiest and most enjoyable thing to do. He won't look for work, he can't be bothered to even claim JSA. This is all well and good now while DD is still little but what happens when she starts pre-school or school? What job prospects will he have then? Is the OP still supposed to continue supporting him?

If he was any sort of father or partner he would at least want to provide for his family (especially when he knows how miserable the situation is making the OP), even if it was part time work.

ninky_2

Rockporkchop wrote: »

And all of you banging on about the father's rights - it is pretty clear that the OP's OH is insisting on staying at home with their DD because it is the easiest and most enjoyable thing to do. He won't look for work, he can't be bothered to even claim JSA.

he can't look for work because there is no alternative care for the daughter. how do you suggest he attends job interviews? and he is not eligible for JSA as he is classed as a carer, therefore not available for work.

ninky_2

OP, I really think shared custody could be an option for you. I know of one couple who split and she had the kids for two weeks and then he had for one week. It seemed to work pretty well. They lived fairly close to each other.

http://www.separateddads.co.uk/SharedCustodyOfYourChildren.html

Feeling_Trapped

ninky wrote: »

he can't look for work because there is no alternative care for the daughter. how do you suggest he attends job interviews? and he is not eligible for JSA as he is classed as a carer, therefore not available for work.

I was told differently I must admit.

That he can work around my hours and is therefore available for weekend/evening work.

peachyprice

Rockporkchop wrote: »

And all of you banging on about the father's rights - it is pretty clear that the OP's OH is insisting on staying at home with their DD because it is the easiest and most enjoyable thing to do. He won't look for work, he can't be bothered to even claim JSA. This is all well and good now while DD is still little but what happens when she starts pre-school or school? What job prospects will he have then? Is the OP still supposed to continue supporting him?

But this is what some SAHM's do and have done since Noah was a lad, if this were a husband posting that he's wants his wife to go out to work or claim JSA but she doesn't want to there would be uproar, you're missing this point completely. He is a SAHF, and should be expected to be treated no differently from a SAHM.

Feeling_Trapped

peachyprice wrote: »

But this is what some SAHM's do and have done since Noah was a lad, if this were a husband posting that he's wants his wife to go out to work or claim JSA but she doesn't want to there would be uproar, you're missing this point completely. He is a SAHF, and should be expected to be treated no differently from a SAHM.

Granted. But not really helping my situation.

My bf is acting like he wants nothing to do with me. I am willing to make it work.

He doesn't want to get a job. He probably couldn't get one if he tried as he has no qualifications.

He is primary carer, but as someone else mentioned above, I went back to work when she was 8 months old, so I had 8 months caring for her, and him 8 months caring for her.

The way he makes me feel is that the only reason he hasn't walked is cos he has nowhere to go and no prospects of making any money.

The easy option for him is for me to go out to work while he stays at home and for us to live completely separate lives. He doesn't want to be with me, but he is not doing anything about it.

If we were a couple and doing all the things couples do, I would just suck it up and live with it. As it is life. And life is hard. But I'm doing all this for someone who doesn't want to be with me. And I don't see why I should have to give up my daughter becuase of it.