Just found out my 12 year relationship been a lie

wannabedebtfree_2

I don't really know what else to say to you, at the end of the day you hae to make the decision, you know him, we don't!

We can give our opinions, but you have to live with it.

See what happens when he comes home, maybe its all got stale, I know how I feel in my relationship sometimes (18 years in May and I'm only 33), and you finding out might have scared him into realising what he could lose, but make sure its you he doesn't want to lose and not the 'one who does a lot around the house' for him.

I imagine it must be turmoil for you right now, so I do think some time apart would be good, can either of you move out with family/friends?

ninky_2

reallydontknowwhattodo wrote: »

we keep crossing messages!

i feel exactly the same as that at the moment. A drunken one night stand is the kind of thing that can mean nothing (for both men and women) but to say hes never loved me is something different altogether. I know it could be all talk, but why say that at all. But then why is he now so adamant that he didnt mean it?

Just had a text from him saying "i was stupid and didnt realide how much i loved you, until i now face losing you" was only yesterday hed emailed the girl saying he didnt love me-confused me . . . . very :mad:

so basically he's the sort of guy who will say whatever is necessary to get the response he wants. he told the woman he didn't love you because (presumably) he was trying to get into her knickers. and now he is saying he does love (because he doesn't want you to leave). selfish self-serving !!!!!!. you can't trust what he says because you will never know if it is the truth or what he wants you to believe in order to make the situation suit him.

springclean

from my viewpoint of the opening post and my own experience many years ago, i hope this doesn't sound cruel, but i think he does feel what he wrote. a man might try and charm a woman with the 'i love her but i'm not in love with her line' when he is actually talking to her, and trying to chat her up, but when people actually write down the words, and then send them and continue a conversation, it's almost like therapy - saying out loud what they are trying to repress.

in my own case, my XH didn't want us to split up. why? because it was the easy option.

splitting involves moving out, selling places, starting again on only one wage (bet you need both your wages for your mortgage if you have one...?), dividing your stuff, packing boxes, effort, meeting new people...

now all of that might make you feel like you don;t want the hassle either, so you have to work out what you want. there is a lovely saying that we teach people how to treat us. perhaps you should do some real talking and say exactly what you want and don't want in your life and your relationship. if he really loves you, he will use the fear he felt today to get his backside into gear and start being a proper half of your relationship.

btw, hi lilacblue. glad to see you back and sounding fab! well done you!

*Louise*

OP - I can barely begin to imagine how you felt when you read that. My own relationship has been 12 years long and it would break my heart to find that OH had written something like that to another woman.

I agree with the people who said have a bag waiting for him in the hall when he gets home, that will shake him up. After saying that he needs to prove to you that he DOES love you - which means fighting for you.

This is also your opportunity to find out what his plans for the future are - he can't keep stringing you along if you want marriage and kids and he doesn't.

If you want my HONEST opinion...it sounds like his 'relationship' with this other woman is in the VERY early stages...he is laying the groundwork so to speak (I don't think I love her, she doesn't understand me, we never have sex anymore is the one after that ....etc etc) and I would belive that nothing sexual has happened.

You have the chance now to put a stop to it and decide whether you choose fight or flight. Only you know if you will be able to get over this emotional betrayal

I wish you all the best, let us know how you get on xxxxx

C_Mababejive

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

Also I'd google her and see what I could find out too...though it might be painful. People sometimes put more on their facebook pages than you'd expect.
.

Hmm..maybe another case for our "fashionz" research team..!

misgrace

jamespir wrote: »

im sure that goes the same with women
if they were scantily clad men

Eerrrm, that does nothing for me ,



Reallydontknowhatodo, I didnt want to read and run, but I hope you can get this mess sorted out, and he tells you the truth, not what he thinks you want to hear.

He was probabaly bigging himself up to the other girl, how many partners say to the people they are having affairs with.... 'my wife/husband doesnt understand me' 'I only stay cause of the kids' 'we havent slept together for X amount of years'

If he really means he really didnt mean it, then he has some serious grovelling to do.

larmy16

This would be a deal breaker for me. I could neither forgive nor forget. Even if his winky had not strayed into the girl's nether regions, I would imagine they had every time we lay down together. Each time I held a knife in my hands, a strange feeling would come over me. In short, I would have to leave.......even if I was scared to be alone.

Why of why can't people be honest and finish one relationship before they start another? Sorry you are going through this OP. It makes me so blooming angry.
I hope you can sort it out. Whatever you do, don't start blaming yourself and talking yourself into understanding him......................make him sweat and be so angry that he will never chance this again.......at least not if he really wants you.

Good luck.XXXX and hugs.

notakid

Thats one hell of a good post sarymclary!:T:T:T:T:T:T

Lilacblue

Yay Sarymclary that really IS a good post!

OP, I can only assume you are away right now having a good discussion about things. I really hope that you get some answers and that they make you feel more able to trust your partner. Don't just accept them because you are scared to be on your own or because you are frightened of being rejected by him. With luck he has been able to explain his behaviour to you clearly and honestly.

There's been some great advice on here, from all sides of the argument. When this all happened to me I was very grateful of the support in this forum; in counselling it's called the 'third eye'...that ability that others have to shed a different perspective on what's been going on.

From what I've read I know what I think personally, but as someone else has pointed out, only YOU know your partner and only YOU know whether in your heart of hearts he is the fella you want to be with in the future. Do remember that you are still very young (yes, you are, babies and pensions can still wait a bit longer my lovely!). It's a big mistake to settle for something that's second best when you deserve something more (and believe me, having little children and then discovering infidelity is a whole different ball game). And equally, if you love and want him, you ruddy well fight for him.

I'll be thinking of you. Keep posting and remember that we're here for you x

paddy's_mum

The thing I've never been able to work out is where are the brains of a woman who will believe self seeking guff like this and not ask herself how two-faced is it for a man to openly admit that he'd rather have all the hassle and costs of an unsatisfactory housekeeper than pick up his own dirty socks!

To say "I'd rather have Miss X than nobody" is such a clear statement of moral laziness and unfeeling contempt. Would you want to take up with a man who had already made it plain to you that he is prepared to live a lie so long as he doesn't have to get off his backside?