Just found out my 12 year relationship been a lie

sarymclary

Thank you for giving us an update Reallydont.

I'm not surprised you've gone down with a cold. I always get the latest virus, or my back muscles go into spasm when I get highly stressed. It's a physical reaction to the way you're feeling.

Take good care of yourself, and don't expect this kind of upset to just go away overnight. This has clearly all come as a complete shock to you, and it will take time for you to digest what was said/written, the manner in which it was done, and how you decide you feel about everything as a result.

It is very easy to become complacent in long-term relationships. Other than infidelity, I believe it is one of the main contributors to the breakdown of many. About 18 months ago, I started to feel that my BF was taking me very much for granted. It wasn't that his behaviour towards me had changed, but it was more that my expectation of how he should behave had altered. We'd been together for nearly 6 years, but he was still happy to stay over 2 nights a week, and see me in the evenings. He wasn't making any mention of that changing in the future, and in fact, I think it rather suited him to have things that way. However, whilst that arrangement had been fine for me originally, especially in the first couple of years of the relationship, not wanting to 'settle' down too early, wanting to be sure it was right for both of us (we each have children from previous relationships), just enjoying being together, etc. As time had gone by, I was being the perfect, convenient, loyal girlfriend, and he wasn't abusing that, but... The fact there was a 'but' became a huge issue to me. I wanted more. I made different conversations about how he saw our future, but all he'd say is that he expected us to grow old together. Well, I wasn't exactly reassured to put it mildly.

In the end, I laid my cards on the table, and told him 100% how I felt about things. I told him I was feeling taken for granted, but I was partly to blame for that arrangment, however, it no longer suited me. I wanted to move our relationship forward, I wanted it to be committed, I didn't want to be hanging around waiting for it to be the right time for him. I loved him, and wanted to live with him, and when you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start ASAP! If he didn't want what I wanted, then I was prepared to accept that, I wasn't going to force him to do anything he wasn't happy with, and we'd go our separate ways, grateful for the love we'd shared, but that it wasn't meant to be. I didn't demand an answer straight away, I let him digest it for a few days, and then waited for him to come back to me to say what he wanted. He understood what I'd said, and was scared to lose me, but it wasn't simply fear, he knew he loved me more than anyone he'd ever loved, and hadn't realised how things were affecting me, because as he knew, it was working very nicely as it was for him! We had a trial 'living together' of 1 month, and I never really went back home properly after that. We've lived together for a year now, and it's made our relationship better than ever, I'm pleased to say. In fact, he said only this week how much better life was now we were a proper family unit, and that it has worked out brilliantly, and he feels he loves me even more (probably because I do all the housework)!

I wonder, if you are uncomfortable with your OH discussing matters with his colleague, whether you can both come to lay some new ground rules to abide by in your relationship from now on? Commit to each other, that if you have a worry, or are feeling unsure about anything, you will be able to discuss matters honestly, without being judged. I made this agreement from the start of my relationship with my BF, because my ex had never been able to deal with hearing anything negative, so I built up more and more resentment towards him, unable to talk to anyone about it, as he wasn't keen on discussing 'family' business outside the home (very controlling person I now realise). Rather than breed resentment, I now get the issue out of the way. If my BF does something I don't like, I tell him, and vice versa. We have to be brave enough to say it, and hear it. It doesn't cause arguments, and we have a level of honesty that I find refreshing.

I would ask yourself some key questions now:
What do you REALLY want for your future?
How can that be achieved?
What makes you truly happy?
How can you get that happiness?
What is it that you are unwilling to do without? (eg. honesty, trust, etc.)
What are your core values, and are you living up to them?

pippitypip_2

A few weeks on, just wondered how you're doing OP?

pippitypip