Just found out my 12 year relationship been a lie

flossyblog

No you don't tell others what wrong, you tell the person concerned.

We have 3 different 3 email accounts, mine, his, ours. We have access to each others account if we need it. My OH has a facebook account because it's easier to keep in touch when travelling. I use his facebook account to send messages to my friends. There are no secret or private areas.

It's not just that he has been disloyal, he was also not willing to make a committment.

And now he wants to grow old with you, but what if you had not seen what he did.

I could not stay, the trust would be gone for me.

I've been with my OH for 15 years. We always travelled together, but in the last few years I've started to hate long haul travel. He wanted to go to Australia last year and I have already been and have no desire to go again. I didn't want to go, so he went on his own. He had a fantastic time spending three months scuba diving. I had a brilliant time in England, catching up with my friends. He's going to Indonesia at the end of the month and I''m going to England again (arranged last year). We didn't really miss each other because we're having a good time. At some point this year we will have a holiday together.

neneromanova

See I asked my OH about this last night over dinner and said why would he be saying that to the woman. His response was that men find it easier to talk with female friends than male as men don't really do hearty hearty conversations. He could be a two faced lying rat (your OH not mine), or he could have been asking her opinion. I remember when I worked with 4 other guys in the tech department I was like a fricking agony aunt to them all the time. At one point one did try to get into my pants, but I told him a firm no and I was still his agony aunt. *rolls eyes*

isitenough

Been in this situation as well. OH was using his Yahoo account to email an old (female) school friend and while it seemed 'innocent' he did say things that hurt when I read them and even his mum knew he was emailing her as she said to say hello! Not sure I've got past it as it still haunts me and I don't trust him that way. He saw nothing wrong with it. Doesn't understand why it bothers me now. Can it ever fully work again and how do you build up the trust?

Errata

neneromanova wrote: »

See I asked my OH about this last night over dinner and said why would he be saying that to the woman. His response was that men find it easier to talk with female friends than male as men don't really do hearty hearty conversations. He could be a two faced lying rat (your OH not mine), or he could have been asking her opinion. I remember when I worked with 4 other guys in the tech department I was like a fricking agony aunt to them all the time. At one point one did try to get into my pants, but I told him a firm no and I was still his agony aunt. *rolls eyes*

An office Agony Aunt isn't an unusual situation. I've occasionally been on the listening end of 'oh dear, this that and the other blah blah' and my response has always been 'so what are you going to do about it, then?'

neneromanova

Errata wrote: »

An office Agony Aunt isn't an unusual situation. I've occasionally been on the listening end of 'oh dear, this that and the other blah blah' and my response has always been 'so what are you going to do about it, then?'

Precicely(?sp). I'm sure if she'd have waited, the reply to that email might have been agony auntish.

Lotus-eater

Mrs_Imp wrote: »

Maybe she's going throug a difficult patch in her relationship too, and he thought she might understand how he feels and be able to talk things through with her and get a woman's perspective on things.

Exactly, which means he meant it, which is what I said.

I don't think there is anything wrong with talking to a female friend about your relationship, I know Errata seems to think that means a loss of respect for the relationship, but I don't.
However, if the words get back to your OH, you'd better be ready to stand by them.

And he obviously doesn't want to stand by them, which means he's lying to his wife or lying to the female friend.

Errata

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Exactly, which means he meant it, which is what I said.

I don't think there is anything wrong with talking to a female friend about your relationship, I know Errata seems to think that means a loss of respect for the relationship, but I don't.
However, if the words get back to your OH, you'd better be ready to stand by them.

And he obviously doesn't want to stand by them, which means he's lying to his wife or lying to the female friend.

You've misunderstood what I wrote. My view was that is disrespectful to a partner to expect her to discuss with a female colleague a bloke knows but she doesn't, the intimate ins and outs and deep feelings of her relationship with him. Which he has disccussed with the colleague when he should have discussed this with his partner.

Mister_aaa

IMO, give it some time. At the moment he is saying he has made a mistake and he is sorry etc etc.

Give it a month or two to see if he backs up his words with actions.

Use this time to decide what you want.

and btw - i disagree with "the men would cheat if the situation arose to not get caught", i know for sure that i would not under any circumstances, and have refused offers point blank.

Some would, but definitely not all, there are some honest men left. The same applies to women also.

KSB235

Hi OP, i was just wondering, putting this incident aside, what you felt about your relationship before all of this? You've said that he's not been willing to show you any commitment or discuss marriage, children etc. Whilst what he's done is very wrong, it can't have just come out of the blue, were you experienceing problems before this? If so it seems this has just brought underlying problems to a head, in which case this situation is a lot more complex.

Sometimes people really don't realise what they have got until they face losing it, maybe he's just figuring this out now. That doesn't excuse what he did but it equally doesn't mean that he's lying when he says he didn't realise what he had until now. 12 years is a long time to be together without any 'events' (marriage, children etc) to mix things up along the way. He might have got complacent and a bit bored and chatting to his friends like this is an outlet for what he thinks he's feeling (emphasis on the word 'thinks'). The internet is like a different world, where, unless you get caught out like this, there are few consequences to what you say to people, it almost doesn't seem like what people write to each other is real because its all held up in 'cyberspace' instead of real life. The fact that what he has said and done has now impacted on him in the real world has probably been a big shock to him.

Whilst I'm really not trying to make excuses for him (I've been in the same position with a partner who has used the internet to talk to women I had never even heard of in a similar way and it is heartbreaking), it could also be the making of your relationship. If he truely realises what he is missing he needs to proove this but if he does it could mean a new start for the two of you, just trying to look at the positives that could come out of this....

Anyway, thinking of you and hope it all works out hun x

Gemsgalore

Remember your first post when you said he ''accidently??'' left this open and you read it. Do you think maybe he did want you to read it as he felt things were a bit stale? I wonder if he did, as surely he would have been a lot more careful than to leave this open on a PC that you both use?

I wouldn't rush to end this, I would use it as a chance to take stock of where you both stand, exactly how you both feel, and whether or not he wants marriage and kids.....not just with you, but with anyone??

You sound like you want the ring and the baby, if thats the case then you need to know if thats what he wants too, as you are now in your 30's and your fertility is reducing fast now. 12 years is long enough for him to know if he wants this or prefers his freedom and no ties relationships (ie: no ring). .....and long enough for you to have wasted if he doesn't!

We all feel a bit fed up with our OH sometimes but if he has never really loved you, then he needs to tell you this and let you go. I would give it 6 months and see what happens over this time, this should be long enough for you both to gauge if it's make or break. Sometimes it's not the thought of losing someone that makes us stay, it's the thought of starting again and being alone etc and you need time to find out which applies to him.

You haven't really said much about how you feel about him, is he the 'one' and the daddy to your babies or are you both just plodding along in a habit thats too hard to break (as the song goes).....we've all done that I think.

Only you know all this, good luck and a big (((((HUG))))) x