Just found out my 12 year relationship been a lie

reallydontknowwhattodo

oh yes the other women, is apparently just a friend from work. Hes given me a name and i do recall hearing of her before (not in a suspicious way) and the reason i didnt recognize her from the email address is that she had used a nickname. He actually suggested giving me her phone number so i can call and talk to her, but am undecided on that option at mo.

Any

reallydontknowwhattodo wrote: »

but would an engagement ring even REALLY proof anything at moment, or just that he was doing it in a panic as hes scared etc

You don't ask for it, don't mention it at all in fact and you don't have to accept it!! If he comes up with that all by himself then it might mean something.

Any better ideas?

Unless you ask him to deliver some proof what are you going to do (apart for getting rid... )? If he does come up with something else that will be meaningfull then the ring that is fair enough. I was just saying that there will be way for him to prove it.

Errata

reallydontknowwhattodo wrote: »

oh yes the other women, is apparently just a friend from work. Hes given me a name and i do recall hearing of her before (not in a suspicious way) and the reason i didnt recognize her from the email address is that she had used a nickname. He actually suggested giving me her phone number so i can call and talk to her, but am undecided on that option at mo.

He thinks it's a good idea for you to share what goes on in your relationship with a third party that he knows and you don't ? He shows no respect for you or for his female work colleague.

Lotus-eater

reallydontknowwhattodo wrote: »

oh yes the other women, is apparently just a friend from work. Hes given me a name and i do recall hearing of her before (not in a suspicious way) and the reason i didnt recognize her from the email address is that she had used a nickname. He actually suggested giving me her phone number so i can call and talk to her, but am undecided on that option at mo.

I can think of two reasons why he would have told his female friend what he did.

1. He meant it.

2. He wanted his friend to believe it so he might have a chance with her.

I can't think of another reason. Was he drunk maybe when he wrote them?

Mupette

reallydontknowwhattodo wrote: »

oh yes the other women, is apparently just a friend from work. Hes given me a name and i do recall hearing of her before (not in a suspicious way) and the reason i didnt recognize her from the email address is that she had used a nickname. He actually suggested giving me her phone number so i can call and talk to her, but am undecided on that option at mo.

Don't they all say that... here is the other persons phone number go on ring them....
it's a bluff double bluff... go ahead ring her, he doesn't expect you to, tell her how you feel


He expects you to say ohh its ok no i beleive you, your not from your posts going to beileive him so go on ring her... ask her whats going on, and tell her how you feel, thats a good way to get over this.

Lotus-eater

Errata wrote: »

He thinks it's a good idea for you to share what goes on in your relationship with a third party that he knows and you don't ? He shows no respect for you or for his female work colleague.

Oh bull, women do that all the time with their friends who may or may not know the husband.
Men don't do it with men friends (often), but they certainly do it with female friends.

Mrs_Imp

Any wrote: »

Engagement ring???

an ex of mine produced of of these because he'd been found out and didn't know how to get out of the mess he was in. Been seeing some girl while I was working away for 4 weeks and telling her that everything was 'up in the air' between us. I then found a text from her to him saying "Are you a man or a mouse". Turns out he was a rat. I e-mailed her to find out who she was, and she told me straight.

That's not to say that your OH will be the same. I just think that a ring at this time would be innappropriate. You should start getting to know each other again - go on dates, sit in a pub having a drink and talking about stuff, a bit like when you first started seeing each other.

pinkshoes

Last year, after 4.5 years with my (now ex)OH, he declared suddenly that he didn't know how he felt about me any more, and that he wasn't sure he'd ever been in love with me.

It hurt.

We spent a couple of weeks apart, took some time out to think.

When we talked it through, and decided that 4.5 years was long enough to know if you wanted to be with someone for the rest of your life. He (we? mainly he...) decided that he didn't.

We were both very upset. He loved me (as you do with someone you spend that long with), but wasn't IN love with me. That wasn't enough. He had also shown very little affection over 4.5 years. I can count the times he said the "L" word on two hands.

We're still mates now, but I've moved on, and have been lucky enough to meet someone who is right for me, and it has made me realise even more how wrong my last relationship was. I believe he has moved on too, and I hope he is also happy.

Mrs_Imp

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I can think of two reasons why he would have told his female friend what he did.

1. He meant it.

2. He wanted his friend to believe it so he might have a chance with her.

I can't think of another reason. Was he drunk maybe when he wrote them?

Maybe she's going throug a difficult patch in her relationship too, and he thought she might understand how he feels and be able to talk things through with her and get a woman's perspective on things.

mishkanorman

sadly, like many, ive been in this situation.(and still am really)

Im now coming up to 13 years with my OH and this time last year found out he had been writing letters to a 'friend' and making suggestive comments that he claims were 'throw away comments made to a friend who would see the funny side', which i translate to " i tried my luck with a fit girl and if she had said 'come on then' i wouldnt have got my pants down fast enough" Its happened way back in the past and im pretty sure its never actually got physical but thats more bad luck than lack of trying.

we stayed together as the things that i always felt were a commitment and sign of respect and love actually ended up being the things that chained me to a bad situation. i now feel i cant just easily walk away, theres marriage kids and a mortgage that i have to selflessly put first, im no longer top of my own list. (my choosing here so im not after sympathy, as bitter as it all may sound I have a damn good life, just not what i had planned !)

so my rather miserable point of view would be to take a step back and really see him for who he is now,(not the vision of him you have in your head) could that be a man you live with forever ? if it happened again or details emerged that made it appear it was more than ranting could you forgive again ?

if i could go back and give myself one piece of wisdom it would be to see my OH as who he actually was/is and not who i wanted him to be, i always felt on some level it didnt matter what happened as we would always have each other, when in fact i never did 'have' him only the parts of himself he decided to share.

good luck op, listen to your head and ignore your heart,xx big hug xx