Just found out my 12 year relationship been a lie

spuddy1

Perhaps he was just feeling a bit low and confided in someone as everyone needs to do sometimes. If he has never lied to you before and didn't end the relationship when you gave him the oppurtunity then I have a feeling you can believe that he wants to stick it out!

I am sorry that you have had to go thorugh this but I don't personally feel it is worth ending a relationship over, you do need to make him pay though and make him feel very guilty for talking about your relationship with someone else.

Everyone needs someone to talk to sometimes and after 12 years feelings can get confusing. Maybe you both need to put a bit more effort to keep the relationship 'alive'!

Hope this helps.

xxx

Lotus-eater

Errata wrote: »

You've misunderstood what I wrote. My view was that is disrespectful to a partner to expect her to discuss with a female colleague a bloke knows but she doesn't, the intimate ins and outs and deep feelings of her relationship with him. Which he has disccussed with the colleague when he should have discussed this with his partner.

Your post still isn't clear.

Are you saying it's wrong for a bloke to talk about the intimate side of his relationship with a female friend?

Something that women do all the time, with female and male friends.

Or are you saying it's disrespectful of him to offer the phone number of his friend to her, so she can talk to the friend and hopefully find out nothing is going on? He hasn't said what they must discuss. He was just showing her he had nothing to hide.

Errata

Or are you saying it's disrespectful of him to offer the phone number of his friend to her, so she can talk to the friend and hopefully find out nothing is going on? He hasn't said what they must discuss. He was just showing her he had nothing to hide.

Yes - and it also puts the colleague in a very awkward position, which will impact on his working relationship with her. She may have nothing to hide and discuss it all with another colleague and that's how gossip flies round a workplace.

Lotus-eater

Errata wrote: »

Yes - and it also puts the colleague in a very awkward position, which will impact on his working relationship with her. She may have nothing to hide and discuss it all with another colleague and that's how gossip flies round a workplace.

What was he supposed to do then, say " No I won't tell you who she is and you can't have her number"?
He trying to save his relationship with his OH supposedly, not his workmate.

If she discusses it with her workmates, then hard luck on him for telling her in the first place, find a better friend!

You said it was disrespectful, I'm still not sure who you mean it is disrespectful to! If you mean to the OP, then I disagree and I can't see how, if you now mean to the colleague, I'm sure the OP's OH has got other things to worry about.

seven-day-weekend

reallydontknowwhattodo wrote: »

He knows my feelings on weddings and babies, but has always said that we will think about that next year etc etc.

But imho it is always going to be next year. That's the thing about next year, it is always in the future.

Only you know whether you want to carry on waiting.

grey_lady

I can't imagine how shocking reading that must have been. I wonder if he paniced, and just isnt brave enough to tell you to your face (so far) that what he wrote in the email is how he feels.

I also think you deserve better than this. As others have said, marriage/kids period isnt finite and if you do end up splitting up over this then there could be a great relationship with a future around the corner.

Duffas27

I am truely sorry that you are going thro this....it is very tough...especially since you have shared 12 years... i can't give any advice other that my pals have been through similar experiences and i am now 31... 1 one them was with their partner since they were 13 and he hurt her, she is now onto baby 2 and is extremly happy ( married too) as he has given her everything she needed.....although it was tough to help her get through it...as its not always the relationship you leave, but the family and friends surrounded by it...

i have to say that i have been in a similar situaution also, not being the girlfriend but being the friend from work....and i think its very important to say that " the guy" said all of those things, he made out that his life was terrible living with her, tried to spend as much time with me as possible, texted me, emailed my work, facebook, email home....i eventually told him it was never going to happen...especially because he was in a relaitionship, a year later and he has tried it on with the rest of the girls in the office,, " the same...i don't love her, she doesn't undestand me crap"...some girls feel sorry for him...i think he is a joke....but the thing is, he seems like such a nice bloke...if you met him first hand, he seems like a gentle man, i bet his wife doesn't know how much of a layer he really is...

as a woman, id never hurt another woman...and maybe this girl is giving the same stance...and he has been trying harder??....i don't know....i am devestated for you, and i hope am 100% wrong....

Lifesaver

Duffas27 wrote: »

i have to say that i have been in a similar situaution also, not being the girlfriend but being the friend from work....and i think its very important to say that " the guy" said all of those things, he made out that his life was terrible living with her, tried to spend as much time with me as possible, texted me, emailed my work, facebook, email home....i eventually told him it was never going to happen...especially because he was in a relaitionship.

as a woman, id never hurt another woman...and maybe this girl is giving the same stance...and he has been trying harder??....i don't know....i am devestated for you, and i hope am 100% wrong....

I was in a similar situation, but he ended the relationship with his partner and started seeing me, he is a user and took me for a complete mug, ended it after leaving me in dire straits financially and really putting me through the mill emotionally........and then went back to the ex.

He's done this before, so his sister says - and he'll do it again. The stupid ex puts up with all this to-ing and fro-ing, I'm sure she doesn't know the half of the lies he tells - or she's too insecure and actually believes the crock he tells her.

We had a lot of mutual friends and I have lost a lot of them, he's lied about me to them, such an accomplished liar and some friends huh?

All I was doing was trying to make his life better after all the awful **** and disrespect he received..........that was a load of lies too.

That's what you get for trying to be a decent person.

Lilacblue

reallydontknowwhattodo...Are you ok? How are you doing today? :grouphug:

reallydontknowwhattodo

Hi everyone, sorry i havent kept you all up to date

Came down with a really bad cold and adding to that all the stress of last few days didnt even get out of bed yesterday!

Hes still trying to convince me that he does love me, but i keep asking him how i know he means it now. At the moment we seem to be going around in circles not actually getting anywhere. But guess its still very early days.

I dont mind too much that he was discussing our problems with another women (provided she is just a friend) although obviously i would rather that he had just talked to me. As i do appreciate that he could well have been doing it in an 'agony aunt' kind of way. Its what he was saying that i have the BIG problem with.

For those who asked how i feel about him, i love him, i cant imagine my life without him and i always thought we would eventually get married and have babies etc. But im not prepared to be a mug and to stay in a relationship that is one sided and i told him yesterday that i only want to be with him, if he is sure that he loves me and isnt just staying with me as he is scared to be alone/im better than no -one etc etc. To which he replyed that he now knows how much i mean to him and he wants us to stay together.